A million hours left to think of you and think of that

"I brokedown and wrote you back,
before you had a chance to.
Forget, forgotten, I am moving past this,
giving notice.
I have to go.
Yes, I know the feeling know you're leaving."

'The Con' ~ Tegan and Sara

Tonight I am mulling it over, meandering around memory and reality, and where we are now. I knew the risks, I knew the chances, and I knew that part of me was lying to myself that I could handle it, that I would be alright, that I would end up on this side of it, unscathed.

But, I am scathed and bruised, broken inside, and tonight I am very sad.

Some days, recent days, I feel the wall building up around me. My skin thickened and my heart protected. I know that it will be ages before it thaws again, before I let anyone have me in that way again. But, in those days, those moments, I am held together and I feel like I'm moving on. This is only just another lie I tell myself to get by, though, isn't it?

Certain songs rip me open and knock the wall down, brick by brick. I know I have to get on with it, I know I have to go on without this thing, whatever it was. I just really do not know how.

(song of the day)