Monday, June 30, 2008

before we forgot the songs

keep art alive; art by amy sol

"underneath this city, there is another city, one more modern, more recent in its origin. here, in these dark tunnels where pomegranates fall, all these thoughts fly around like moths, lured by light, by sweet smell of decay, trapping themselves by their own free choice in the confined space of their making: it can’t already be june, it can’t already be monday, that’s what they say, that’s what people keep muttering to themselves this morning as they cradle the last of the sleep in their coffee cups, for the precious moments in which they huddle in themselves before they must sign off their lives to something they don’t believe in, to something they think they cannot escape from. as they rock in the rhythm of the train, someone thinks, a moth in spider’s nest, though she does not see the intricate weaving of the thin threads, ready to untangle between our fingers, snapping the threads. but it’s like this: it’s already june, i’m already 28 and i haven’t done anything, many are talking, comforting us in these minutes of our lives when we descend down to darkness, to darkness so dark that we are helpless, our bodies swaying left to right, left to right as if we’re rocking in prayer, but we are not praying. we’re boxed in the freight, we’re boxed in a subway car, this is the death train, but unlike them, forced away from their homes because of blood, we chose this train, we chose to be on it, we are boxed in, we’re as helpless, we tell ourselves, positioning ourselves to the gravity, the pull of the train. our highest dreams thrown out like our last night’s dinner, a woman’s dream flies past, landing silently on the subway floor like the last note of an aria, i wish someone loved me, i wish he loved me, a thought so light it floats quietly down, hovers an inch or two above the floor, then lands, landing as someone steps on it. i wish somebody loved me, but i'm not pretty enough, i’m not smart enough, she closes her thoughts from us, she looks down to the book on her lap, the thick one, heavy like her sadness, but she doesn’t stop her reading, the thick book stays where it is, the woman, though, reads so little, doesn’t really read, just daydreams, her hopes going where we are going, she stays where she is, on the seat across. we are all going somewhere we have to each day, pulled by the invisible strings, and we say, i can go no other place, this is where i belong. no, we go to places only if we must, but must is a habit, after all, we can go anywhere as long as we let ourselves, anywhere we want to, only if we want to, she can stretch her arms as if in flight, and leave, leave this train, this city…only if she wants to. we think there’s no way out, our lives guided by some invisible lines only fate has right to hold, right to control. but we are closer to grace, we are closer to where we were before we were born, before we forgot the songs, before we forgot the promises, we are closer to grace in the darkness of our own making, we are not of time—only if we let it, only if we let the watch unshackle us, but we forget, as we have forgotten, as soon as we open our eyes. many are called and many do not hear."

many are called ~ mariko nagai

Sunday, June 29, 2008

we got california drowning out the window side

"got no place to go,
but there's a girl waiting for me down in mexico.
she's got a bottle of tequila,
a bottle of gin,
and if i bring a little music i can fit right in."

there are wishes, and there are dreams, and there are songs that make things seem possible even when deep down you know they are probably never going to come to be. there are beaches and laughter, discarded straw hats and bare feet, and music; always music. it is a celebration, someone has just gotten married, and we have wandered off down the beach where there are less crowds, less camera flashes, less family that we do not even remember inviting. a circle of friends, so to speak, but we are more of a family then any we've been born into. the sun goes down and the music keeps playing.

i have had the same dream, with slight variations, for so many years that it has become as a bedtime story to my subconscious.

my pins are none too strong

peter doherty, live at glastonbury, 2008

most probably the main reason i wished i'd been there. well, the second most reason. leonard cohen definitely was the first.

let's make some music make some money find some models for wives

"we were fated to pretend."

mgmt, live at glastonbury, 2008

one of my favorite recently discovered bands of the year, and one of many reasons that i so wish i had been there at glasto. one of these years i swear i will be there, it just has to happen someday.

i keep trying to remember not to forget this

"the more you know who you are,
and what you want,
the less you let things upset you."

bob harris ~ lost in translation

Saturday, June 28, 2008


the girl with the artist's touch, the strong sense of self, emotional and so beautiful, my veronica turned six today. she shares her birthday with my best friend of 27 years, and is the only one of my children born outside of california. she is so different from me, from how i was at her age, and for that i am so grateful. she teaches me so many things. she shows me a way of seeing the world that i do not always see, keeps me in-touch with the way nature plays a part in the human condition, and is ever challenging me with her questions and queries on how the world works, and why.

these last few weeks i have noticed the changes that are transpiring in her, the leaps of maturity, the molding of self and personality that are forming. her love of classical and hip-hop music, her imagination, her creative expression, her sense of humor, and her interest in asian culture and memory/logic solving games. she is so bright and amazing to know, and i am quite lucky to know her.

happy sixth year in your life, princess froggy v-rock veronica. i love you.

they call me 'quiet girl', but i'm a riot

that's not my name ~ the ting ting's

"are you calling me darling?
are you calling me bird?
are you calling me darling?
are you calling me bird?"

jules played this song for me a few times over the last two days, and i have to say it is completely addictive. we have both been singing it all day long.

new music review: vanilla swingers

take a listen to the vanilla swingers

"if you fall for this,
you'll fall for anything."

danger in the past
& a live video

"souvenirs that you can feel,
won't give up what they reveal;
they never will."

the town

"the town was where we met,
but it could all have been so different."

remiscent of a wandering the city streets in the rain, a bit lost, three streets down from where you are meant to be. the pulse of your slightly nervous heart flows and pours out into the vibrations of each passing car, the rain drops drip dripping a back-up beat; everything is music. lost, yet not alone, as the accompanying voice chimes in, takes your hand, lets you share their battered yellow umbrella.

i am not good with comparisons when talking on music. i tend to take anything new in as just that - new. i am not keen on categorization and labels. but, if i had to choose the similar bucket to stream these songs - and their fantastic album vs into - it would be with bands such as belle and sebastian, azure ray, and stephen merritt's magnetic fields.

the album is said to be a story of love and alternate lives. described as a concept affair about two people who meet, run away together, go back in time, lose each other, and meet again in 2015.

as it feels, it is an album of songs to be lost and found within.

hear more here.

polka dots fill my eyes

"what you gonna do katie?
you're a sweet, sweet girl,
but it's a cruel, cruel world,
a cruel, cruel world."

happy birthday, kate. and a very happy first day in the next new year of your life. paint brushes and magic wands, pixie dust and healing potions, and all the hope in the universe i wish to you. i hope this is your best year yet. you can make this year anything you want it to be. i believe in you, always always always.

i love you always.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

she looked in his eyes to lose herself

"what do you feel
when you're with me?
i look in your eyes and see myself."

early this morning i was sitting at my desk at work with coffee in hand and my itunes loading up to start my day's random soundtrack. the office manager walked by and had this look on her face that i've seen so often lately on so many people i know: defeated and sad. i see this in the mirror when i look at myself, too. we spoke on this year, the hurt that seems to be everywhere we turn, and the overall mood it seems to paint on everything, and how we see ourselves in each other, and how we reflect back what we see. where does it start, and how do you change a feeling that has grown so heavy and hope-deficient that it feels as if we are all sinking into the depths of some dark sea.

is it love? is it hope? is it change? is it allowing someone else to actually see us, flaws and all, and trust that they will not let go? and how do we not lose ourselves in any of that? in the sorrow, and in the love?

just something i've been contemplating, and some lush (who i have re-fallen in love with this week), to go along with it.

i sent a bottle of whiskey

"and i was waiting over here for life to begin,
i was looking for the new thing,
and you were the sunshine heading my front line;
i was alone,
you were just around the corner from me."

i had one of those moments this morning, one of my favorite kinds of moments, where the music flowed and connected so perfectly with everything around me. i am quite keen on playing music loudly while driving, singing along, and taking in the scenery with the musical accompaniment going along with me - a car concert, a friend once called it. i've been struggling so much with my mood and the whole state of my emotions that sometimes, just a small moment when music and morning meet, helps me breathe a little better.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


"but one kiss levitates above all the others. the intersection of function and desire. the i do kiss. the i'll love you through a brick wall kiss. even when i'm dead, i'll swim through the earth, like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your bones."

the archipelago of kisses ~ jeffrey mcdaniel

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

the records that we used to share

"i've got your memory,
or has it got me?
i really don't know,
but i know it won't let me be."

Monday, June 23, 2008

pick a star on the dark horizon

"let your memories grow stronger and stronger,
'til they're before your eyes;
you'll come back,
when it's over,
no need to say good bye."

stumbled onto this song quite by accident and was overwhelmed with emotion. regina is a favorite of mine, and this song, from the film prince caspian, is just amazing.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

watch out for those foreign girls

all you need is love: the final a mix

anything but love ~ the libertines

"watch out for those foreign girls,
mistake my plastic beads for pearls."

answering bell (live)
~ ryan adams and adam duritz

"all's i want is your fortress of tears to crumble,
and oh girl, i'd tear 'em down myself,
and oh girl, the story's they could tell,

but i'm just sayin' hi to your answering bell."

acting like a fool
~ matt costa

"you know i try,
and still i play the fool."

the air near my fingers
~ the white stripes

"don't you remember you told me in december that a boy is not a man until he makes a stand,
well i'm not a genius but maybe you'll remember this:
i never said i wanted to be a man."

~ css

"ah la la, ah la la,
gimme three wishes."

"close your eyes and see,
when there ain't no light,
all you'll ever be.
come and save the night,
coz i don't leave,
when the morning comes it doesn't,
seem to say an awful lot to me...
all alone."

advisory committee (shok remix) ~ mirah

"the mist came down the ground was wet,
i talked with you inside my head,
the way i have forgotten back,
quickly prepare it's an attack."

anarchy in the u.k. ~ the sex pistols

"how many ways to get what you want?"

all in my mind ~ love and rockets

"if you give me an hour,i'll show you how you feel."

age of consent ~ new order

"won't you please let me go?
these words lie inside they hurt me so."

ashes to ashes ~ david bowie

"i'm happy, hope youre happy, too."

~ sisters of mercy

"to promise her a definition,
tell her where the rain will fall,
tell her where the sun shines bright,
and tell her she can have it all."

"you can make a plan,
carve it into stone,
like a feather falling,
it is still unknown;
until the clock speaks up,
says it's time to go,
you could choose the high,
or the lower road.
you might clench your fist,
you might fork your tongue,
as you curse or praise,
all the things you've done.
and the faders move,
and the music dies,
as we pass over,
on the arc of time."

"half of the ring lies here with me,
but the other half’s at the bottom of the sea."

absolutely nothing
~ lily allen

"my heart is aching and i've never felt this bad,
i pinch myself to check that all of this is real.
keep thinking i'm not letting on, i feel this sad,
and then you've got the cheek to ask me how i feel."

airport taxi reception
~ sondre lerche

"i called you because i love you so."

all i want ~ the lightning seeds

"it makes me want to give you everything,
pick you up and take you home again,
hold you tight and think that now is then,
all i want to do,
all i want to do,
is make you listen from now on."

across the universe
~ the beatles

"words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup,
they slither while they pass across the universe."

"it's easy,
all you need is love."

the night could last forever

keep art alive; art by joshua petker

atomic nights and lucid dreaming: an a mix

atomic ~ blondie

make it magnificent."

all night long ~ empires

"they just howl,
all night long."

all at sea ~ the libertines

"where can i go,
just to hear the songs i need?"

alone, together ~ the strokes

"things they have changed in such a permanent way."

"if you close the door,
the night could last forever,
leave the sunshine out,
and say hello to never."

all i have to do is dream ~ everly brothers

"when i want you in my arms,
when i want you and all your charms,
whenever i want you,
all i have to do is dream."

as tall as cliffs ~ margot and the nuclear so and so's

"but i can't bear to hear the things about last year,
i've been up all night, up all night."

afraid, not scared ~ ryan adams

"put the guns in the water,
they're turning to vodka,
triggering nothing,
we're sinking the sea takes the ship."

ache for you
~ ben lee

"there's no rhyme and there's no reason,
you're the secret in the back of my skull,
there's no logic, so please believe me,
our love's confusing, but it never gets dull"

already dead ~ beck

"love looks away,
in the harsh light of the day,
on the edge of nothing more."

accidental babies ~ damien rice

"well i know i make you cry,
and i know sometimes you wanna die,
but do you really feel alive without me?"

"and some fight you gave when i pushed you away from me.
and in the morning when you're turning, i'll be far to sea.
you have broken me all the way down,
you'll be the last you see."

always the last to know (acoustic) ~ del amitri

"when your winter comes,
i’ll be the last to know."

against all odds ~ the postal service

"you're the only one who really knew me at all."

all you want ~ dido

"i'd like to watch you sleep at night,
to hear you breathe by my side;
and although sleep leaves me behind,
there's nowhere i'd rather be."

avalon ~ roxy music

"would you have me dancing,
out of nowhere."

altogether ~ slowdive

"and now seems just a dream,
it broke my heart,
but then i guess you didn't know."

atmosphere ~ joy division

"my illusion,
worn like a mask of self-hate."

asleep ~ the smiths

"sing me to sleep."

lingering in another girl's paradise

another day without wings: an a mix

at the bottom of everything ~ bright eyes

"we must hang up in the belfry where the bats in moonlight laugh,
we must stare into a crystal ball and only see the past,
and into the caverns of tomorrow with just our flashlights and our love,
we must plunge, we must plunge, we must plunge."

antichrist television blues ~ arcade fire

"now I'm overcome,
by the light of day,
my lips are near,
but my heart is far away."

anyway i can ~ the ting tings

"i've been good,
i've been bad,
i've been happy,
i've been sad,
i've been greedy,
i've been seedy,
i've been had."

almost sorry ~ scissor sisters

"a rainbow still looks pretty when it bleeds."

"and they're jealous cause you know so much,
they can't quite get a grip;
you're everything they wish they were."

and your bird can sing ~ the beatles

"you tell me that you've got everything you want,
and your bird can sing,
but you don't get me,
you don't get me."

the angels hung around ~ rilo kiley

"i been clubbed and i been snubbed,
by the dogs of l.a.,
and i been burned and i been learned,
in the same city."

the angel’s share ~ ted leo & the pharmacists

"because on and on, the tides are surely come,
as sure enough, they'll leave again as one,
as you and i, we will or won't be here."

advice for young mother’s to be ~ the veils

"so here it is your heart is out in the cold."

ask ~ the smiths

"shyness is nice and,
shyness can stop you,
from doing all the things in life,
you'd like to."

all at once ~ pete yorn

"and when the darkness comes, i lie awake,
playing lost and found."

angeles ~ elliott smith

"i could make you satisfied in everything you do,
all your 'secret wishes' could right now be coming true,
and be forever,
with my poison arms around you."

all the way to new york city ~ rosie thomas

"you could write for picture shows,
and i could get a job waiting tables,
at a restaurant where famous people like to go;
we could buy old overcoats and walk through the snow,
all the way around central park,
our cheeks as pink as wild roses."

all my days ~ alexi murdoch

"and i’ve been trying to find,
what’s been in my mind,
as the days keep turning into night."

another girl’s paradise ~ tori amos

"when it all is said,
said and done,
who can love you,
and still be standing"

amy hit the atmosphere ~ counting crows

"we've waited so long,
for someone to take us back home."

all i need
~ mat kearney

"and if all we've got,
is what no one can break,
i know i love you,
if that's all we can take."

angel mine
~ cowboy junkies

"i search all the time on the ground,
for our shadows cast side by side;
just to remind me that i haven't gone crazy,
that you exist and are mine."

albion ~ peter doherty

"down in albion,
they're black and blue,
but we don't talk about that."
"i'm empty,
and aching,
and i don't know why."

Saturday, June 21, 2008

most of the time

"most of the time,
i'm clear focused all around,
most of the time,
i can keep both feet on the ground,
i can follow the path,
i can read the signs,
stay right with it,
when the road unwinds,
i can handle whatever i stumble upon,
i don't even notice she's gone,
most of the time.

most of the time,
it's well understood,
most of the time,
i wouldn't change it if i could,
i can't make it all match up,
i can hold my own,
i can deal with the situation right down to the bone,
i can survive,
i can endure,
and i don't even think about her,
most of the time.

most of the time,
my head is on straight,
most of the time,
i'm strong enough not to hate.
i don't build up illusion,
'till it makes me sick,
i ain't afraid of confusion,
no matter how thick,
i can smile in the face of mankind.
don't even remember what her lips felt like on mine,
most of the time.

most of the time,
she ain't even in my mind,
i wouldn't know her if i saw her,
she's that far behind.
most of the time,
i can't even be sure,
if she was ever with me,
or if I was with her.

most of the time,
i'm halfway content,
most of the time,
i know exactly where i went,
i don't cheat on myself,
i don't run and hide,
hide from the feelings,
that are buried inside,
i don't compromise,
and i don't pretend,
i don't even care if i ever see her again,
most of the time."

do you always watch sunsets with your eyes shut?

one of my favorite guilty pleasure movies, even though i have issues with some of the storyline. i miss janeane garofalo, seems like she has been in nothing lately. the scene, through the canals and to the eyes-shut sunset, i always loved it. much to do today, as it is veronica's first "friends from school" party (and yes, i did find a pump to make balloon animals with), but this movie and a cherry coke zero (we are out of coffee, oh the humanity), are helping me wake up.

Friday, June 20, 2008

when i hear beautiful music its always from another time

"everything gets smaller now the further that i go,
towards the mouth,
and the reunion of the known and the unknown.
consider yourself lucky if you think of it as home,
you can move mountains with your misery if you don't,
if you don't."

there are memories too vulnerable to write. as if they are brittle and yellowing photographs, the ones shoved in the back of a box, or folded carefully in the pages of a near forgotten book. it was once your favorite, the pages worn and finger-printed. flower petals are stuck in the early chapters, the ones where you were just getting to know all of it - the plot, the characters, the hopes. the end comes eventually, and that bittersweet feeling that follows. never minded if it was a happily ever, or a tearful goodbye, just knew i'd miss all that i'd just loved.

you close the book, put it up on the shelf, and long for someone to talk with about it. but, you find no one. for the best, in reality, as no one takes a story, or a song, into them in the same way. just like memories - our varied perceptions shade and color in the blurs and the greys. we all remember everything differently, even love, and especially loss. and sometimes it is a song that rips the ticker-tape off the skin, stirs the heart, makes it all hurt again. and sometimes it is just the pages spilling open, without provocation, or permission. the daisy petals dissolve in my hand, and i take a sad gasp of breath.

sometimes sadness is all you have left to remember these things by. but, it is feeling, isn't it?


"people who have only good experiences aren't very interesting. they may be content, and happy after a fashion, but they aren't very deep. it may seem a misfortune now, and it makes things difficult, but well--it's easy to feel all the happy, simple stuff. not that happiness is necessarily simple. but i don't think you're going to have a life like that, and i think you'll be the better for it. the difficult thing is to not be overwhelmed by the bad patches. you must not let them defeat you. you must see them as a gift--a cruel gift, but a gift nonetheless."

someday this pain will be useful to you by peter cameron

and i'm tired of so much wanting

ache for you ~ ben lee

"there's no rhyme and there's no reason,
you're the secret in the back of my skull.
there's no logic, so please believe me.
our love's confusing,
but it never gets dull."

a week ago i was standing in the studio store at the WB, waiting for a friend to go and grab coffee from starbucks. on the right, as you first walk in, is a gilmore girls display. i often keep walking right by as i often get a big case of the "i wants" when i stand too close. they have this gigantic coffee cup that says "luke please please please" on it that i have wanted ever since i first spied it. a quote from the very first moments, of the very first episode - the first time you witness the chemistry between luke and lorelei.

over the years of watching, and loving, the show i went back and forth on my feelings for the pair. i always held a soft spot for christopher, and what they had from their youth that still seemed to carry so strongly into their implied present. but, there is something about the two of them, of luke and lorelei, that pulls at my fictional loving heartstrings.

and this song. well, i've always had quite the love for ben lee's songs, haven't i?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

but i'm just sayin' hi

answering bell (live on jay leno) ~ ryan adams & adam duritz

oh my stars, ryan and adam.

*heart flutters*

"did i slip?
I know i stumbled.
did i trip?
'cause i know i fell.
all's i know is i'll wake up here in my clothes tomorrow.
but oh, girl, i wish i knew you well.
but oh, girl, i wish i knew you well.
but i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell.

did i run?
i thought i was walkin',
through your inexhaustible gale.
the names are changed but the constellations,
are still fallin'.
oh girl, if you could only tell.
oh girl, if you could only tell.
but i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell.

let yoru tears fall and touch my skin.
then your thunderclouds could rage and wail.
i will collect them all for you in a butterfly jar.
and, oh girl, i'll build your wishing well.
oh girl, i'll build your wishing well.
buut, i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell.

did i sleep?
'cause i musta been dreamin'.
did i weep?
'cause i cried like hell.
all's i want is your fortress of tears to crumble.
and, oh girl, i'd tear 'em down myself.
and, oh girl, the stories i could tell.
but, i'm just sayin' hi,
to your answering bell."

i can't promise that i'll grow those wings, or keep this tarnished halo shined

"i search all the time on the ground
for our shadows
cast side by side
just to remind me that i haven't gone crazy
that you exist
and are mine
and i know that your skin is as warm
and as real
as that smile in your eyes
but i have to keep touching
and smelling
and tasting
for fear it's all lies

i can't promise that i'll grow those wings
or keep this tarnished halo shined
but i'll never betray your trust
angel mine."

don't let it take the fight outta you

"they'll look you in the eyes and stone you,
then turn and disown you
don't let it take the fight outta you
they'll walk all over your name
till they find someone else to blame
don't let it take the fight outta you
secrets hide their lies inside hidden alibis
don't let it take the fight outta you

they put the world on a hook
it's worse every time i look
i would rather take the punch
than not give you a shot
i'd rather find out who you are
than who you're not
shoulda known better
than to mistake business for love
shoulda known better
than to mistake a fist for a glove

it will be in your honor
til you're not needed any longer
don't let it take the fight outta you
don't believe the headlines
check it for yourself sometimes
don't let it take the fight outta you
the lies you live become you
the love you lose it numbs you
don't let it take the fight outta you
they say that you've arrived
that's just a high class bribe
don't let it take the fight outta you

i would rather take your punch
than not give you a shot
i'd rather find out who you are
than who you're not
shoulda known better
than to mistake business for love
shouda known better
than to mistake a fist for a glove
there’s always someone younger
someone with more hunger
they’ll say you’re one and only
then straight up leave you lonely
like a transplant patient waiting for a donor
like a half empty balloon after a party in the corner

don't let it take the fight outta you"

thank you, bree. for this song and for charlotte and wilbur. they say that hard times are what teach you the most about life, and about the people in it. i know i've been terribly self-absorbed as of late, struggling with myself and who i am, how i feel, and what i need to do to feel better. but, whether i've said it or not, it is the people who check in, who ask how i am, who send a few words, or a song, or a life update (because i do want to know how you are doing) - it just matters more than i have words to express.

thanks especially to kate, bree, jenn, amber, fawn, tania, and irene for checking in, for keeping connected, and for being my friend through this period of whatever the hell this is that i'm going thru.

i am a better fighter because of my friends, and my kids. thank you.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

to hear you breathe by my side

all you want ~ dido

"oh, if you'd come home ,
i'll let you know that all you want,
is right here in this room.
all you want,
and all you need,
is sitting here with you .
all you want."

this song just came on randomly, and i had yet another of those moments where i am reminded of an artist that i love, but often forget about. dido has one of those voices that sneaks up on you, sticks under the skin, and lingers for days. her songs, often disguised as love songs, are typically deeper than that. lyrically, the more you listen, and the deeper you dig, there are undercurrents of bitterness, betrayal, lost hope, regret, and loss. yet, interspersed - or perhaps the connection between it all - is love. loving regardless, loving despite disappointment, loving even though you have had to let go, and loving in some kind of realm of obsession.

suppose much of it is a glimpse into the darker shadows of our hearts. something that is often deeply relatable, even if we are tempted to shade our eyes from that level of self-examination. i've been trudging around in that kind of muck lately, though, as part of my so-called self-analysis (i.e. trying to sort out what has me so blue). some of what i'm finding reveals an often imbalanced expectation for hope and happiness, and the realization of the day-to-day, and of my own mistakes and mis-steps in love. as a child, i tended to expect the worst, to look at things with disappointed eyes. i know that has a lot to do with the life i led, with my examples of love, with the way i perceived things to be.

and yet, somehow i found myself in my thirties with this almost childish optimism. somehow hope found its meandering way to my door, at the least opportune time, when i really should be basking in the dark shadows of bitterness and disappointment. instead i found myself driven to realizing some ideal of bliss that i had constructed in my head. something to aspire to, as we all should try for the most happy we can wrap our arms around, but at the same time it has limited my enjoyment of right here, right now. it is all still cloudy, and full of mud, as i work my way through it, but something in it brings to light (so to speak) that we need to learn to play about in the shadows, in order to find what we have, what we want, and the precarious bridge that sways in-between.

and somehow this song illustrates a little part of that, or if nothing else, has set me out on a train-of-thought ramble. typical me, finding something in each and every lyrical refrain.

a year and a day

time for heroes (acostic) ~ carlos barât

"did you see the stylish kids in the riot,
we were shovelled up like muck,
then set the night on fire.
wombles bleed truncheons and shields,
you know i cherish you, my love
yeah i cherish you my love."

quick healing and a fast recovery, carl.

talk over gin and teacups

albion (live at brixton mass, june 17, 2008) ~ peter doherty

"there's a five-mile queue,
outside the disused power station.
now come away,
wont you come away."

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

as we pass over on the arc of time

arc of time (time code) ~ bright eyes

"so you nurse your love,
like a wounded dove,
in the covered cage of night.
every star is crossed,
by frenetic thoughts,
that separate and then collide.
and they twist like sheets,
till you fall asleep,
and they finally unwind.
it's a black balloon,
it's a dream you'll soon deny."

trying for some hope tonight, in things, in life, in my own beliefs and desires. it is hard not to feel an overwhelming sense of one step forward and sixteen steps back lately, especially when you are struggling with a lingering depression that nothing seems to shake. so, part of me disappears, and part of me recoils. i try not to build up the predictable walls i've always been so good at constructing. instead, i seek solace in music, and in silence (unusual for me), and in giving myself the time i need to sort my soul out.

i was remembering this afternoon a friend i once was close with, and this technique she used when dealing with dark times and her own struggles. she would try to list at least five things she was thankful for, or things that made her happy. i borrowed it, well more than "borrowed", i shaped it into something i've used on occasion - and into something i've suggested to others to try. to list the things that you are thankful for, things that make you happy, or help you breathe, and also to make a bit of a wish list of things you want to do. looking too far forward can bring on the overwhelm, but sometimes having a few twinkling plans is a good thing.

strange that this song brings out this in me, though conor has always connected to me, lyrically speaking. sometimes hope comes in oddly shaped packages, or in the twist and turn of an unexpected song. so, i sit here and write a small list, and struggle over some of it, while other bits and bobs come pouring out.

five thankfuls:
* my children
* music that makes me feel
* lasting friendship
* bathtubs
* coffee

five wishes:
* vacation (someday)
* healing (for others and my own)
* that i can find the balloon pump for veronica's birthday for balloon animals (hey, wishes do not have to be enormous)
* that my writer's block will end
* the ocean (soon)

i'm aware of what the rules are

"these tears i've cried,
i've cried 1,000 oceans.
and if it seems,
i'm floating in the darkness,
well, i can't believe that i would keep,
keep you from flying.

and i would cry 1,000 more,
if that's what it takes,
to sail you home,
sail you home,
sail you home.

i'm aware what the rules are,
but you know that i will run,
you konw that i will follow you.
over silbury hill,
through the solar field,
you know that i will follow you.

and if i find you,
will you still remember,
playing at trains?
or does this little blue ball,
just fade away?

over silbury hill
through the solar field,
you know that i will follow you.
i'm aware what the rules are,
but you know that i will run,
you know that i will follow you.

these tears i've cried,
i've cried 1,000 oceans,
and if it seems,
i'm floating in the darkness,
well i can't believe that i would keep,
keep you from flying.

so, i will cry 1,000 more,
if that's what it takes,
to sail you home,
sail you home,
sail you home."