as we pass over on the arc of time

arc of time (time code) ~ bright eyes

"so you nurse your love,
like a wounded dove,
in the covered cage of night.
every star is crossed,
by frenetic thoughts,
that separate and then collide.
and they twist like sheets,
till you fall asleep,
and they finally unwind.
it's a black balloon,
it's a dream you'll soon deny."

trying for some hope tonight, in things, in life, in my own beliefs and desires. it is hard not to feel an overwhelming sense of one step forward and sixteen steps back lately, especially when you are struggling with a lingering depression that nothing seems to shake. so, part of me disappears, and part of me recoils. i try not to build up the predictable walls i've always been so good at constructing. instead, i seek solace in music, and in silence (unusual for me), and in giving myself the time i need to sort my soul out.

i was remembering this afternoon a friend i once was close with, and this technique she used when dealing with dark times and her own struggles. she would try to list at least five things she was thankful for, or things that made her happy. i borrowed it, well more than "borrowed", i shaped it into something i've used on occasion - and into something i've suggested to others to try. to list the things that you are thankful for, things that make you happy, or help you breathe, and also to make a bit of a wish list of things you want to do. looking too far forward can bring on the overwhelm, but sometimes having a few twinkling plans is a good thing.

strange that this song brings out this in me, though conor has always connected to me, lyrically speaking. sometimes hope comes in oddly shaped packages, or in the twist and turn of an unexpected song. so, i sit here and write a small list, and struggle over some of it, while other bits and bobs come pouring out.

five thankfuls:
* my children
* music that makes me feel
* lasting friendship
* bathtubs
* coffee

five wishes:
* vacation (someday)
* healing (for others and my own)
* that i can find the balloon pump for veronica's birthday for balloon animals (hey, wishes do not have to be enormous)
* that my writer's block will end
* the ocean (soon)

promise

the episode was called 'the constant', and was about time shifting and travel, losing yourself, and how there is one thing that is each person's constant. there is more to it, more to the plot and construct of the series, but even if taken out of context it is moving, and meaningful.

one must remember the constants in our lives, and when we find that, we should never give it up.

if you never try, you'll never know

"i believe in music the way some people believe in fairy tales. but i hear it came from my mother and father. once upon a time, they fell in love." ~ august

this is one of the most beautiful films i've ever seen, and one of the most personal. i cried through the entire film, not a moment where i was not so emotionally moved that i did not feel as if my soul was opening up. and it left me changed, hopeful, more alive. i am not sure how to explain it without it seeming ridiculous. it just mattered to me, in ways that i have no words.

and i am trying not to break

the glass parade ~ cary brothers

"just a voice inside your head,

whispering all the hope is dead;

all the time you had to prove,

that no one really loves you.

i found you in a reflection,

you didn't want me to see;

i will give you all i have,

just look up, break down,

and believe.

this is a glass parade,

a fragile state,

and i am trying,

not to break.

and the stars are shining,

the moon is right,

and i would kill to be with you,

tonight.

wish you told me all the truth,

so afraid to face an absolute.

all the fights you had to lose,

all the fear was put upon you.

i found you when you were broken,

too many cracks of deceit,

i will give you all i have,

just look up, break down,

and believe.

this is the feeling, falling,

so much i want to say;

show me the same emotion,

show me what's at stake.

how much can you take,

when you realize your fate?

hold me now as the car lights fade,

and we are dancing in the glass parade."

& i won't waste a minute without you

"all this feels strange and untrue,

and i won't waste a minute without you.

my bones ache,

my skin feels cold,

and I'm getting so tired,

and so old.

the anger swells in my guts,

and i won't feel these slices and cuts;

i want so much to open your eyes,

'cause i need you to look into mine.

tell me that you'll open your eyes,

tell me that you'll open your eyes,

tell me that you'll open your eyes,

tell me that you'll open your eyes.

get up, get out, get away from these liars,

'cause they don't get your soul,

or your fire;

take my hand,

knot your fingers through mine,

and we'll walk from this dark room for the last time.

every minute from this minute now,

we can do what we like anywhere;

i want so much to open your eyes,

'cause i need you to look into mine.

tell me that you'll open your eyes,
tell me that you'll open your eyes,
tell me that you'll open your eyes,
tell me that you'll open your eyes.

tell me that you'll open your eyes,
tell me that you'll open your eyes,
tell me that you'll open your eyes,
tell me that you'll open your eyes.

all this feels strange and untrue,

and I won't waste a minute without you.

open your eyes ~ snow patrol

& the video

please remember me

"please, remember me,
as in the dream,

we had as rug-burned babies;

among the fallen trees,

and fast asleep,

aside the lions and the ladies;

that called you what you like,

and even might,

give a gift for your behavior.

a fleeting chance to see,

a trapeze,

swing as high as any savior."

and as you go on to save your everything, know that there is a girl who still stands in a field of daisies, and believes in you.

the trapeze swinger ~ iron & wine