but you are another mystery i am missing

half life ~ duncan sheik

& the video

"before the truth goes back into hiding,

i want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding,

to work on finding something more than this fear."

i've probably posted this song before, in fact i'm almost certain i have. i know this song has meant varying things to me at different times in my life, and that there are times when my heart takes in messages from everything i hear, speak, experience, and breathe in. suppose that is the core reason for my obsession with music, with art, and with the mystery of expression. i am forever moved by the human condition. we all tuck so many truths into the things we feel, write, sing, and dream.

i've had a moment with this song this morning, and it means enough for me to tack it up and say yes, thank you, i think i'm starting to understand me a little bit more.

the pictures changing every moment

keep art alive; art by kelly vivanco

as a young girl i used to see my future as this vibrant, colorful, ever-changing gypsy-adventure. i did not expect to stay in one place for very long. i knew there would be music, dreams, my best friend at my side (or somewhat close by), and i would be writing something. back then i thought it to be plays or movies, ones that we would act in together, all my friends and pets and boys i had crushes on. this was before my dreams of being in a girl group, or my older goals of teaching and writing novels. i saw tomorrow made of the stuff of possibilities, of the unknown, and of a sky full of stars that would sometimes rain down and turn into the sea. maybe we would catch them, those falling sparkly things, and we would leave our wishes on them. we would use their glow to paint with, to write with, to sing with; and we would leave behind a legacy of lyrics and magic.

sometimes, when i squint my eyes just right, i realize that i was not so off with my visions. sometimes i realize most of my life is all of that, and more.

avalon ~ roxy music

but you'll never see the end of the road while your traveling with me

keep art alive; art by tara mcpherson

it is strange how it happens, how confusion turns to clarity, as if the stars in the sky suddenly turn into beacons of something close to truth.

i wished for your return for years, it was always that secret longing that i tried to tuck away and scoff at as nonesense, and deny; but in actuality it was you i wished for on stars, and on the toss of coins into various bodies of water. and then one day i did tuck it away, or more honestly i let it go. i had to. you had let me go so long before, and i wanted to live; and, you cannot live an authentic life if your heart is floating out there in the ether, trying to re-attach itself to someone who is now far and away.

and live i have, maybe not happily all the time, but not unhappily all the time, either. i have amazing children and the keenest of friends, i have a career even though i loathe to admit it sometimes, and i have my writing and music. and, i have gone on and let myself really love again.

so, thank you for knocking on my door, and thank you for acknowledging what we meant to you, what i meant to you. and i honestly wish you the best of everything, and i am over here so proud of you for taking these rough steps at self-awareness and healing. but, i cannot be yours anymore.

even though there is a part of me that would love to try, i know that part of me is still wavering in that often alluring sense of nostalgia, and the rest of me - well she is quite happy to be living in the now. and, although it often feels impossible, and although i more than often feel that i falter and fail at it, i am in love.

and, i've given up on love before, it was my protection, and a control issue, and a defense that i learned from the pain of loving you. and no, i don't blame you for it, not at all; i am actually quite grateful for all that you did teach me about love. but, i am not willing to give up on love anymore, either.

love is not disposable, and it is not replaceable either - not even by someone who was once very incredible to me. so, i'm willing to take the tough roads, to not give up even when there are obstacles and doubts, because i still very much believe in love's possibility. i hope you find that for yourself, in this life, too.

thank you, my dear friend, for everything; but i think it is time to say goodbye to who we used to be, and hello to the friends we are meant to be now.

"now i'm walking again to the beat of a drum

and i'm counting the steps to the door of your heart

only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof

get to know the feeling of liberation and relief
hey now, hey now

don't dream it's over."

don't dream it's over (live) ~ neil finn

i know it must be killing time

keep art alive ~ art by vania zouravliov

i haven't been writing much here since i'm underwater and fighting the current of nanowrimo right now, though i'm almost to the halfway mark, word count wise, which means i am ahead for a change. i think my past failures to finish this has taught me many things, and by keeping those hard lessons in mind i have freed up my typical creative obstacles that i sometimes think are more based in fear, then anything else.

i suppose i can turn that insight on myself, and the rest of my life, as well. when i sit and really think on it i've made so many mistakes along the way, and there are times when it freezes me, floods me, makes me feel like hiding under the blankets and never be seen again. recently i had a close friend end our friendship because she had grown impatient at my progress in my life, and was tired of standing by and watching me make the same mistakes over and again. it hurt, and i think i took it far more personally then i should have, but again, i am still learning.

the only timeline that honestly matters is the one that occurs. i can no more rush my own healing and growth then i can rush love, inspirations or the future. we all work at our own pace, we all have different bottoms to hit, we all have our thresholds for pain and suffering; and, we all have our own versions of bliss.

i wish i could sew happiness into a giant quilt, like those ones you see the sewing circles making, everyone adding their own patch of it. actually, maybe that is what i would wish even more; that everyone i know would bring in their own fives squares and add it to the bliss blanket. in the end it would be such a beautiful thing, full of flaws and inconsistancies, of course; dropped stitches here and there, some repeated patterns, but it would be different than anything ever seen before. then, when any of us have a bad day we can borrow it, wrap ourselves up in it, stay there until we can breathe again. some days there would be a few of us under there together, clinging and leaning a little on each other, and maybe sometimes we'd all meet under it just to check-in; just to be there together.

today my five would be:

my kids laughter

connecting music and visual art

music that makes me want to dance

fangirl crushes

coffee

what would you add?

abba & the bunnymen ~ go home productions

thank you tom robbins

keep art alive; art by 2h

the november spawned a possible novel endeavor begins and this is the first words of advice to land in my lap, from one of my most favorite authors:

as the great nelson algren once said, “any writer who knows what he's doing isn't doing very much.” most really good fiction is compelled into being. it comes from a kind of uncalculated innocence. you need not have your ending in mind before you commence. indeed, you need not be certain of exactly what's going to transpire on page 2. if you know the whole story in advance, your novel is probably dead before you begin it. give it some room to breathe, to change direction, to surprise you. writing a novel is not so much a project as a journey, a voyage, an adventure.

a topic is necessary, of course; a theme, a general sense of the nexus of effects you'd like your narrative to ultimately produce. beyond that, you simply pack your imagination, your sense of humor, a character or two, and your personal world view into a little canoe, push it out onto the vast dark river, and see where the currents take you. and should you ever think you hear the sound of dangerous rapids around the next bend, hey, hang on, tighten your focus, and keep paddling---because now you're really writing, baby! this is the best part.

it's a bit like being out of control and totally in charge, simultaneously. if that seems tricky, well, it's a tricky business. try it. It'll drive you crazy. and you'll love it. ~ tom robbins

***

and what do i think of this? what comes to mind and brings tears to my eyes? my dear mr. robbins, you could have just described love. and, thank you, i needed to hear this today more than i have words to convey. and now, on to that possible novel.

love is nothing, nothing, nothing

like they say

you gotta pick up the little pieces everyday

love is nothing ~ liz phair

wait, don't let your dreams just pass away

keep art alive; art by trevor brown

the last few years have been more than a bit rough, and often i feel like i am more lost than found, and that i am still swimming around in this life trying to suss out just who i am. some days are clearer than others, some days i can breathe underwater and see everything as it swims by; i always have swam with my eyes wide open. other days i feel heart hurt and lead heavy, sinking beneath the surface, gasping for air. music helps, music always helps. as does the company of friends. ones who sit bottles of wine out and make you laugh so hard you ache the next day, who sing loudly along with you in the car, and who tease you because they know you so well. and, friends who know how to make me smile, who know how to speak to my heart in ways i thought were impossible, and who help me believe in the possibilities of life again. it is no wonder i have such a connection to water, and feel the nearest to peace by the standing on the ocean's shore, as my two dearest friends are water signs, and though they may douse out this aries' flames some days, most of the time it is a stirring of souls and the balance of heat and cool that gives the gift of balance, bliss and the kind of bonds that feel forever.

i have a lot of work to do, a lot of change that needs to happen, but some of it is finally coming into focus for me. i stayed home today due to not feeling quite right, and i think it was one of those rare occasions that i listened to that voice inside myself and took care of me for a change. i love immensely, and without borders or restrictions or walls. i know the price i've paid for giving so much in love, but i am realizing that i am willing to be wrong in love, but that i am not willing to give up who i am in it. there is joy in the giving, passion and desire fulfilled, bliss in that feeling that i would give the world to those i love - and i like that i am that person. so, if it means that i have been wrong, and that i sometimes find myself taken for granted, i just have to persist in love and trust that there are those who will love me back for who i am. i do not know what has changed in me, but something significant has. i feel like i remembered how to breathe again.

nothing is fixed exactly, and there are things ahead of me that i fear, and i still feel like quite a mess of a girl; but something inside has shifted. maybe it is my lightbulb going on, or the end of the year looming in the distance. or, perhaps all this digging and peeling back of my layers is finally shedding lights and shadows over some of my reasons why. i am still hurting an awful lot, i still have not managed a day without tears, but there is also laughter, smiles, song, and love. i have friends around me that i want to keep, i have children so amazing that i would want to know them even if they did not belong to me, and i still believe in love. i still struggle with trusting my heart, trusting others with my heart, and feeling secure in myself in any of it. i am still puzzled at how i ended up where i am right now, how i turned into someone who gave up so many of her dreams, and settled for an existance that is less than getting by.

i tell my children that it is not the failures and mistakes, but what you do with them, that matters. how you take responsibility, how you take on things that you know need to be changed, how you survive. and, i need to do that, too. i need to embrace my own words. and, there is more i could say, but i won't right now. there are things i have yet to understand myself, much less paint it all in words. thank you for those of you who inspire, who are open and honest with me, who make me laugh and cry, who reach out when they do not have to, and for those who know me well enough to just know. you know who you are, and how i feel. thank you.

water, so much water is under the bridge

so much water ~ m. ward

love is not a victory march

keep art alive; art by joshua petker

life is this way, you wake up one morning with your day planned out, and all those stresses and plans they all spin around in your head. you know what they are, how they look and feel, we all have them. all the problems in your life always weigh heavier than they may actually be if you only took some time to change your perspective; to take a step back. when you breathe for a moment, park your car on the side of the road and maybe write something down, turn the radio up, spend an extra few minutes on the phone with a friend - it changes it, doesn't it? it makes it all so much more bearable - this living a life.

through it all we have these interractions with people, whether in the flesh kind of meetings, or otherwise. i think sometimes we take for granted that the people who matter to us will always be there, and that those other ones, the ones we are either just getting to know, or only know in a seemingly small way - well, we think there will always be time to connect. we live our lives in a pattern, a routine, and sometimes a rut. we complain to each other about what we would change if we could, what we wish was different, what we really and truly want. and, the best of us - the truest of us - we listen to each other, we hold each other's hands, we believe in each other's capacity to be more than we are. and in that, well, sometimes it is the smallest of words that make all the difference.

chris (crash pryor) told me recently that i would be okay, to not let the bastards get me down, to not let someone else's issues cloud my own, and to never stop writing. when i told him i was in the midst of drama he laughed and said "drama? been there, done that, have the t-shirt and the soundtrack," and in those words i gained perspective. i took a deep breath and in his words, and the support and love of a few other important people in my life, i decided where i would leave, and where i would stay, and who i would refuse to give up. i am not sure that i ever thanked him for it, either, but i think in some way he knew. we had meant to meet-up and go out for drinks. we had crossed paths through work and home, in proximity, and in certain circles in both professinal and personal realms. we never did.

in this life we really do believe there will be another chance, another moment, another time.

even in his death i feel like he is teaching me about perspective, and i wish i had the opportunity to thank him, again. there are people in this world that mean the world to me, and i am grateful that i have never shied away from telling them that. if i love you, i will probably tell you often, and repeatedly; and, for me it does not cheapen the emotion. if i tell you i love you i mean it.

the perspective shift i feel right now, though, is an overwhelming feeling of not wanting to wait any longer to live, to change, to love, and to be in this life. i know it is a sentiment that most likely many people feel when hit with an unexpected death, but i do not think that cheapens the meaning of that, either. i suppose i just want to remember that there isn't always more time, that putting off being happy is a ridiculous thing, and if you want something to change in your life maybe you should do it, even if it is scary and difficult, and even if you might get hurt in the process. and, don't let anyone scare you off of what you want, or allow anyone else to tell you what it is you know to be true. trust yourself, and your heart, and don't let the bastards get you down.

thank you, crash. you will be missed.

hallelujah/i know it's over (live) ~ jeff buckley

when your heart was open wide and you love things just because

a more complete review will follow later, because the show has worked it's way up into my top five of all-time. jenny lewis gave me a shot of just about everything i needed last night. there is nothing quite like singing at the top of your lungs, dancing, being with good friends, and crying because a song just wraps you up and understands, and gets it. and gets you.

there were other songs that hit me hard, one other especially, but it was this song - and specifically this part of the song - that was clearly the truth i needed to hear right now. and i will, you know...someday...i will be happy.

thank you, miss lewis.

"and sometimes when you're on

you're really fucking on

and your friends they sing along

and they love you

but the lows are so extreme

that the good seems fucking cheap

and it teases you for weeks in its absence

but you'll fight and

you'll make it through

you'll fake it if you have to

and you'll show up for work with a smile

and you'll be better

you'll be smarter

more grown up

and a better daughter

or son

and a real good friend

and you'll be awake

you'll be alert

you'll be positive though it hurts

and you'll laugh and embrace all of your friends

and you'll be a real good listener

you'll be honest

you'll be brave

you'll be handsome

and you'll be beautiful

you'll be happy."

a better son/daughter ~ rilo kiley

sing this corrosion to me

keep art alive; art by 2h

sometimes it takes the simple action of stepping away from a situation to find the perspective that you felt you were lacking. that whirlwind of overwhelm and convoluted emotion can take you over, drag you down, and steal from you all that passion and inspiration you once were full of. i feel as if this past week was the eruption and implosion of the past three years. that i had held so many things inside, swallowing sharp pieces and decaying lies, still painting on the illusion of strength and survival.

i have it still, all that strong arms and that shooting sense of i can get through anything, and will. but, it has been damaged, there are places that need to heal, scars that have been re-opened and sting with disappointment, and disillusionment. there are these dents and cracks in the ground that i keep tripping over, twisting my ankle and scraping my knees; you would think by now i would know how to avoid them, how to step around, or just jump across. but, i am ever naive, stupidly romantic, and trusting of people that i should keep at a safe distance.

and i can hear the discord and rhyme from people as i stumble on by, the echo and refrain of will she never learn?

i have learned things, and i have made repeated mistakes, especially in regards to trusting others with my heart, my feelings, my words. but, these were my mistakes to make, my misguided angels to fall for, my misaligned strung up hallelujahs to sing. part of it has been allowing myself to be too many things to too many people, and invariably never enough for anyone. i know this, i preach this, i take it to be part of my personal tenant; and yet, somehow i got hooked into being on all the current places to be, i fell into the lure of the internet communities.

they have that hazy image of family to them, that inferred feeling of being understood and belonging. seems so ridiculous, doesn't it? to be in my late thirties and still longing for that sense of fitting in. it truly is rubbish, and so blatently adolescent. but, when you never had a functional family, when you lacked the rebellion and playfulness of youth, when you never truly got to be a child, a teenager, or a young woman - well, something somewhere has to give. eventually you will make these mistakes that those around you, even those younger than you, will shake their heads at and think why would you even need this at all?

for what it's worth i do not think it wrong to need connection, and to cling to where you find it. and, i do believe that you can make real friendships with people even if you have never shared the same breathing space with them. no matter that i have been hurt in these sorts of situations, and communities, does not mean that i do not believe in their positive existance or how they can be something truly incredible. hurt and disappointment happens, no matter where you meet someone, and no matter how long you have known them. i refuse to feel less than for opening up to people. i may be stupid, but i do not regret the way i love or give, to anyone.

all that said, though, i have found myself in a state of exhaustion and realization that i have spread myself too thin. that in this moment i need to pull back, re-adjust the life-lens, shake myself free from the drama and expectations, and stop being part of the machinations of entertainment and the you're so cool indie requirements. i need to heal from some of this, i need to find myself in some of this, and i need to keep writing because my soul aches when i do not let the words out. this is where i need to be now, in my own space, without other people's definitions or expectations to live up to. i need to get back to being okay with just being me. and, no, this had nothing to do with any one person's words, actions, or deeds; even though there are those who have hurt me lately - some with intent to wound, and others without meaning to. that is all part of life, though, isn't it?

like my blog says, in the ever-resonate words of clementine, i am just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind.

and now, if you don't mind, i need to dance.

"i got nothing to say i ain't said before

i bled all i can,

i wont bleed no more

i don't need no one to understand."

this corrosion ~ sisters of mercy

i want to start over

for as long as i can remember i have asked questions of everyone i cared about. somewhere in the back of my mind i see a frivolous magazine article in some nonesense-laden women's publication, the kind that give a girl tips on how to win the boy. how to be the perfect date. how to get a boy's attention. i'm quite sure i scoffed at it, at the time. i'm not one for rules and standards in regards to love, and to most i've never acted the girl to any boy. i don't wait around for phone calls, i don't wait to be asked out, and i have no qualms about saying i love you first.

that said, somewhere in that boy/girl propoganda i internalized something. thing is, i never limited it to boys, or on that ever-elusive way of winning them over. to be honest i've never had trouble with boys liking me, or falling for me, for that matter. i think my biggest obstacle was falling in love back, and trusting that any of that like and love was genuine at all. i seem to be quite skilled at being what everyone else needs - i took those fucked up lessons for love and turned it into an entire guide to life.

i asked questions of everyone to get them talking, to let them know they were listened to, to open them up. because, as that article said, everyone wants to talk about themselves, to share their feelings, to be inspired. but, in the whirlwind of inspiring others, i fell short of my own sense of inspiration. being a muse to others is exhausting, and eventually leaves a gaping hole inside. i did it to myself, and i do not blame anyone else in this. somewhere along the line i decided subconsciously that i was not worth love or friendship on my own merits, or for me as just me. instead, i felt i had to provide life, love, care, inspiration, and to some level, existance to someone else - and only then would i be needed, and worthy of being cared about.

pretty fucked up that is, and i suppose in the enlightenment and subsequent shedding off of this neverending race to please i decided that some level of separation was in order. so, i pull back and collect my thoughts, and realize i have a lot to say. to write. to feel. to express. i feel like the floodgates have been thrown open and i am just pouring out into everything. and, at the same time that all of this internal struggle to break free is going on, i find that i've encountered my own inspiration.

i'm beginning to realize that it is different when you trade inspirations with one another, when you let someone see you for who you are, and when you are asked just as thought-provoking questions that you are known to give over to other people. the girl who asks questions is in awe of the questions asked of her. and, if nothing else, this existance of whatever this is, it has changed the world in me. i feel lit up and inspired; thank you for that.

looking for somewhere to stand and stay

i leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away

slow show ~ the national