sing this corrosion to me

keep art alive; art by 2h

sometimes it takes the simple action of stepping away from a situation to find the perspective that you felt you were lacking. that whirlwind of overwhelm and convoluted emotion can take you over, drag you down, and steal from you all that passion and inspiration you once were full of. i feel as if this past week was the eruption and implosion of the past three years. that i had held so many things inside, swallowing sharp pieces and decaying lies, still painting on the illusion of strength and survival.

i have it still, all that strong arms and that shooting sense of i can get through anything, and will. but, it has been damaged, there are places that need to heal, scars that have been re-opened and sting with disappointment, and disillusionment. there are these dents and cracks in the ground that i keep tripping over, twisting my ankle and scraping my knees; you would think by now i would know how to avoid them, how to step around, or just jump across. but, i am ever naive, stupidly romantic, and trusting of people that i should keep at a safe distance.

and i can hear the discord and rhyme from people as i stumble on by, the echo and refrain of will she never learn?

i have learned things, and i have made repeated mistakes, especially in regards to trusting others with my heart, my feelings, my words. but, these were my mistakes to make, my misguided angels to fall for, my misaligned strung up hallelujahs to sing. part of it has been allowing myself to be too many things to too many people, and invariably never enough for anyone. i know this, i preach this, i take it to be part of my personal tenant; and yet, somehow i got hooked into being on all the current places to be, i fell into the lure of the internet communities.

they have that hazy image of family to them, that inferred feeling of being understood and belonging. seems so ridiculous, doesn't it? to be in my late thirties and still longing for that sense of fitting in. it truly is rubbish, and so blatently adolescent. but, when you never had a functional family, when you lacked the rebellion and playfulness of youth, when you never truly got to be a child, a teenager, or a young woman - well, something somewhere has to give. eventually you will make these mistakes that those around you, even those younger than you, will shake their heads at and think why would you even need this at all?

for what it's worth i do not think it wrong to need connection, and to cling to where you find it. and, i do believe that you can make real friendships with people even if you have never shared the same breathing space with them. no matter that i have been hurt in these sorts of situations, and communities, does not mean that i do not believe in their positive existance or how they can be something truly incredible. hurt and disappointment happens, no matter where you meet someone, and no matter how long you have known them. i refuse to feel less than for opening up to people. i may be stupid, but i do not regret the way i love or give, to anyone.

all that said, though, i have found myself in a state of exhaustion and realization that i have spread myself too thin. that in this moment i need to pull back, re-adjust the life-lens, shake myself free from the drama and expectations, and stop being part of the machinations of entertainment and the you're so cool indie requirements. i need to heal from some of this, i need to find myself in some of this, and i need to keep writing because my soul aches when i do not let the words out. this is where i need to be now, in my own space, without other people's definitions or expectations to live up to. i need to get back to being okay with just being me. and, no, this had nothing to do with any one person's words, actions, or deeds; even though there are those who have hurt me lately - some with intent to wound, and others without meaning to. that is all part of life, though, isn't it?

like my blog says, in the ever-resonate words of clementine, i am just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind.

and now, if you don't mind, i need to dance.

"i got nothing to say i ain't said before

i bled all i can,

i wont bleed no more

i don't need no one to understand."

this corrosion ~ sisters of mercy

'cause it's all going on without you

keep art alive; art is 2h

fate is a tricky thing, transient and confusing. do we create our own versions of fate to comply with our desires, or do we finally reach a point in our lives where we wake up and recognize where are path is clearly drawn? how do we fit the people and things that we collect, and hold close to us, if our enlightenment does not include them? is there really one truth to all of it, one way to go, one choice that will define the steps we take? if we decide that the direction that we see painted on the inside of each eyelid, when we close our eyes and really listen to our soul, is going to include loss or pain - is it still worth it? and what do we make of our lives when we realize the future we held as part of our own has nothing to do with us anymore?

i choose to believe that things happen for a reason, even when that truth is hard to take in, and ever tiresome to hear. that said, i also cling to the belief that we have choices to make, and that fate is like an outline that we can trace, but the colors we choose to decorate it with are still up to us. i choose to believe that the family i have, and the family i have made, is worth everything to me; and in that, i know that i would fight any battle, and traverse any obstacle, if it meant that we all go on another day breathing and learning, singing and listening, and living. the older you get the more you realize that it is rare to meet people who get you, who love you regardless of the mess you may be, and who let you grow and be whoever you truly are.

so, what of fate? i have not sorted out what mine is just yet. i thought i knew what it was, or at least a blurry outline of it. perhaps i was allowing the writer in me to create a future that i wanted to exist in, with people who i trusted my heart with. maybe i have not had that quiet moment of self-revelation, where it all becomes clear. or, the scenario i tend to believe the most in: perhaps there are multiple paths in front of me, some known and some yet to be discovered, and that it is alright not to know just yet. what i do know is that i would never give up on the people i love, nor the family i have, and have made, or been included within; because i know how rare they are, and how fragile and beautiful love is.

let go ~ frou frou