sing this corrosion to me

keep art alive; art by 2h

sometimes it takes the simple action of stepping away from a situation to find the perspective that you felt you were lacking. that whirlwind of overwhelm and convoluted emotion can take you over, drag you down, and steal from you all that passion and inspiration you once were full of. i feel as if this past week was the eruption and implosion of the past three years. that i had held so many things inside, swallowing sharp pieces and decaying lies, still painting on the illusion of strength and survival.

i have it still, all that strong arms and that shooting sense of i can get through anything, and will. but, it has been damaged, there are places that need to heal, scars that have been re-opened and sting with disappointment, and disillusionment. there are these dents and cracks in the ground that i keep tripping over, twisting my ankle and scraping my knees; you would think by now i would know how to avoid them, how to step around, or just jump across. but, i am ever naive, stupidly romantic, and trusting of people that i should keep at a safe distance.

and i can hear the discord and rhyme from people as i stumble on by, the echo and refrain of will she never learn?

i have learned things, and i have made repeated mistakes, especially in regards to trusting others with my heart, my feelings, my words. but, these were my mistakes to make, my misguided angels to fall for, my misaligned strung up hallelujahs to sing. part of it has been allowing myself to be too many things to too many people, and invariably never enough for anyone. i know this, i preach this, i take it to be part of my personal tenant; and yet, somehow i got hooked into being on all the current places to be, i fell into the lure of the internet communities.

they have that hazy image of family to them, that inferred feeling of being understood and belonging. seems so ridiculous, doesn't it? to be in my late thirties and still longing for that sense of fitting in. it truly is rubbish, and so blatently adolescent. but, when you never had a functional family, when you lacked the rebellion and playfulness of youth, when you never truly got to be a child, a teenager, or a young woman - well, something somewhere has to give. eventually you will make these mistakes that those around you, even those younger than you, will shake their heads at and think why would you even need this at all?

for what it's worth i do not think it wrong to need connection, and to cling to where you find it. and, i do believe that you can make real friendships with people even if you have never shared the same breathing space with them. no matter that i have been hurt in these sorts of situations, and communities, does not mean that i do not believe in their positive existance or how they can be something truly incredible. hurt and disappointment happens, no matter where you meet someone, and no matter how long you have known them. i refuse to feel less than for opening up to people. i may be stupid, but i do not regret the way i love or give, to anyone.

all that said, though, i have found myself in a state of exhaustion and realization that i have spread myself too thin. that in this moment i need to pull back, re-adjust the life-lens, shake myself free from the drama and expectations, and stop being part of the machinations of entertainment and the you're so cool indie requirements. i need to heal from some of this, i need to find myself in some of this, and i need to keep writing because my soul aches when i do not let the words out. this is where i need to be now, in my own space, without other people's definitions or expectations to live up to. i need to get back to being okay with just being me. and, no, this had nothing to do with any one person's words, actions, or deeds; even though there are those who have hurt me lately - some with intent to wound, and others without meaning to. that is all part of life, though, isn't it?

like my blog says, in the ever-resonate words of clementine, i am just a fucked up girl looking for my own peace of mind.

and now, if you don't mind, i need to dance.

"i got nothing to say i ain't said before

i bled all i can,

i wont bleed no more

i don't need no one to understand."

this corrosion ~ sisters of mercy