wait, don't let your dreams just pass away

keep art alive; art by trevor brown

the last few years have been more than a bit rough, and often i feel like i am more lost than found, and that i am still swimming around in this life trying to suss out just who i am. some days are clearer than others, some days i can breathe underwater and see everything as it swims by; i always have swam with my eyes wide open. other days i feel heart hurt and lead heavy, sinking beneath the surface, gasping for air. music helps, music always helps. as does the company of friends. ones who sit bottles of wine out and make you laugh so hard you ache the next day, who sing loudly along with you in the car, and who tease you because they know you so well. and, friends who know how to make me smile, who know how to speak to my heart in ways i thought were impossible, and who help me believe in the possibilities of life again. it is no wonder i have such a connection to water, and feel the nearest to peace by the standing on the ocean's shore, as my two dearest friends are water signs, and though they may douse out this aries' flames some days, most of the time it is a stirring of souls and the balance of heat and cool that gives the gift of balance, bliss and the kind of bonds that feel forever.

i have a lot of work to do, a lot of change that needs to happen, but some of it is finally coming into focus for me. i stayed home today due to not feeling quite right, and i think it was one of those rare occasions that i listened to that voice inside myself and took care of me for a change. i love immensely, and without borders or restrictions or walls. i know the price i've paid for giving so much in love, but i am realizing that i am willing to be wrong in love, but that i am not willing to give up who i am in it. there is joy in the giving, passion and desire fulfilled, bliss in that feeling that i would give the world to those i love - and i like that i am that person. so, if it means that i have been wrong, and that i sometimes find myself taken for granted, i just have to persist in love and trust that there are those who will love me back for who i am. i do not know what has changed in me, but something significant has. i feel like i remembered how to breathe again.

nothing is fixed exactly, and there are things ahead of me that i fear, and i still feel like quite a mess of a girl; but something inside has shifted. maybe it is my lightbulb going on, or the end of the year looming in the distance. or, perhaps all this digging and peeling back of my layers is finally shedding lights and shadows over some of my reasons why. i am still hurting an awful lot, i still have not managed a day without tears, but there is also laughter, smiles, song, and love. i have friends around me that i want to keep, i have children so amazing that i would want to know them even if they did not belong to me, and i still believe in love. i still struggle with trusting my heart, trusting others with my heart, and feeling secure in myself in any of it. i am still puzzled at how i ended up where i am right now, how i turned into someone who gave up so many of her dreams, and settled for an existance that is less than getting by.

i tell my children that it is not the failures and mistakes, but what you do with them, that matters. how you take responsibility, how you take on things that you know need to be changed, how you survive. and, i need to do that, too. i need to embrace my own words. and, there is more i could say, but i won't right now. there are things i have yet to understand myself, much less paint it all in words. thank you for those of you who inspire, who are open and honest with me, who make me laugh and cry, who reach out when they do not have to, and for those who know me well enough to just know. you know who you are, and how i feel. thank you.

water, so much water is under the bridge

so much water ~ m. ward