Monday, October 22, 2007

love is not a victory march

keep art alive; art by joshua petker

life is this way, you wake up one morning with your day planned out, and all those stresses and plans they all spin around in your head. you know what they are, how they look and feel, we all have them. all the problems in your life always weigh heavier than they may actually be if you only took some time to change your perspective; to take a step back. when you breathe for a moment, park your car on the side of the road and maybe write something down, turn the radio up, spend an extra few minutes on the phone with a friend - it changes it, doesn't it? it makes it all so much more bearable - this living a life.

through it all we have these interractions with people, whether in the flesh kind of meetings, or otherwise. i think sometimes we take for granted that the people who matter to us will always be there, and that those other ones, the ones we are either just getting to know, or only know in a seemingly small way - well, we think there will always be time to connect. we live our lives in a pattern, a routine, and sometimes a rut. we complain to each other about what we would change if we could, what we wish was different, what we really and truly want. and, the best of us - the truest of us - we listen to each other, we hold each other's hands, we believe in each other's capacity to be more than we are. and in that, well, sometimes it is the smallest of words that make all the difference.

chris (crash pryor) told me recently that i would be okay, to not let the bastards get me down, to not let someone else's issues cloud my own, and to never stop writing. when i told him i was in the midst of drama he laughed and said "drama? been there, done that, have the t-shirt and the soundtrack," and in those words i gained perspective. i took a deep breath and in his words, and the support and love of a few other important people in my life, i decided where i would leave, and where i would stay, and who i would refuse to give up. i am not sure that i ever thanked him for it, either, but i think in some way he knew. we had meant to meet-up and go out for drinks. we had crossed paths through work and home, in proximity, and in certain circles in both professinal and personal realms. we never did.

in this life we really do believe there will be another chance, another moment, another time.

even in his death i feel like he is teaching me about perspective, and i wish i had the opportunity to thank him, again. there are people in this world that mean the world to me, and i am grateful that i have never shied away from telling them that. if i love you, i will probably tell you often, and repeatedly; and, for me it does not cheapen the emotion. if i tell you i love you i mean it.

the perspective shift i feel right now, though, is an overwhelming feeling of not wanting to wait any longer to live, to change, to love, and to be in this life. i know it is a sentiment that most likely many people feel when hit with an unexpected death, but i do not think that cheapens the meaning of that, either. i suppose i just want to remember that there isn't always more time, that putting off being happy is a ridiculous thing, and if you want something to change in your life maybe you should do it, even if it is scary and difficult, and even if you might get hurt in the process. and, don't let anyone scare you off of what you want, or allow anyone else to tell you what it is you know to be true. trust yourself, and your heart, and don't let the bastards get you down.

thank you, crash. you will be missed.

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