you're weak but not giving in

keep art alive; art by lilly piri

“and sometimes when you’re on
you’re really fucking on
and your friends they sing along
and they love you
but the lows are so extreme
that the good seems fucking cheap
and it teases you for weeks in its absence
but you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
you’ll fake it if you have to
and you’ll show up for work with a smile
and you’ll be better
you’ll be smarter
more grown up and a better daughter
or son
and a real good friend
and you’ll be awake
you’ll be alert
you’ll be positive though it hurts
and you’ll laugh and embrace all of your friends
and you’ll be a real good listener
you’ll be honest
you’ll be brave
you’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
you’ll be happy.”

the next few weeks are going to drain me of everything, i fear. these are the days where music (and copious amounts of coffee) are what get me through, as work will act as a pack of zombies eating my brain for sustenance and pleasure.

i have this silly fear that has been with me since i was a child, and it echoes in the back of my mind sometimes when the shadows of adolescent insecurity rear their ugly head and grab a hold of me. it is that old saying (who says these things really?) that goes out of sight, out of mind, and sometimes it taps on my fears that if i don’t participate, if i don’t play along, if i don’t pick up the phone/send the email/say the first hello that i will disappear. or, if not forgotten, i will be misunderstood. and, i think it is not just me who feels this, i think sometimes we all do.

so, in an attempt to ease the minds of those i care about, or to ease my own worry, i am here. i do care, probably more than you realize. and, work is going to kill me until christmas. i will try to keep up, i will try to check in, i will try to keep writing (i sort of lose it when i don’t write). but, if i seem less than usual it is fleeting, and i will be back soon enough.

and, although i don’t buy into such things as resolutions, i do love fresh starts and i am holding out hope that this coming year will be better for all of us.

*much love*

a better son/daughter ~ rilo kiley