and i meant every word i said

keep art alive; art by tara mcpherson

"one of these days we should talk about what happened between us." was the message that was left on my phone, from the boy who broke my heart in ways no one will ever be able to break it again. it is only once that you love in that complete abandon way, when you have not really been hurt by love yet. you can love again, and will love again, but it will never be exactly the way it was that first time.

if i had to guess at how much loving him changed me, or how many things it influenced in my life, i would still be underestimating it. and, i am honestly not being overdramatic, or romanticizing it, at all; it was just that impactful. he was everything to me at that time in my life, and for the most part we loved each other beautifully.

but, it ended, and even though we managed that impossible task of staying friends with one another, it still was over. nothing since has ever been that hard to heal from. i did heal from it, though, and we both went on with our lives. the hardest part was in the knowing that we both still loved each other, but that there were impossible things that we could never overcome.

the details, well they have been thrashed around and most people who know me well have heard it before. things from his past colored who he decided he was, and there was absolutely no way for me to fit into that definition. there are people who would argue it with me, and say that my belief in what we shared was denial, but i was there and i know what i felt; i know what was true.

this all happened years ago, though. before my children and his career. i mean, we were still kids then, even though i know that neither of us ever had much of a childhood. what on earth could be said about it now? is this some kind of rob gordon re-hash of what went wrong in past relationships? is he looking for some kind of closure, when we both know if we do not have it now, we never will have it? is he on the verge of some kind of important life change and wants to understand?

all it would take is a phone call to find out, yet i am scared to death to ring him back. the whole thing makes me feel like that girl i once was, vulnerable and naive. i am not sure what i would even want to say anymore except that i will always love him, though i know i have grown far and away from the girl who believed in us at all. i still remember that night on the beach when they all told me what he couldn't, the way he wouldn't look at me anymore, how much i wanted to just shut my eyes and make it all go away. but, it happened. it is all part of the story of who i am, and i've run it through my head, and written it in and out of pages and prose, i do not know that there exists anything else to say about it.

i am still a girl. he is still a boy who ultimately chose other boys instead of me. i am still the one who had to deal with a rejection that called into question every shred of my feminity, self esteem, and existance. i had to look at all the things we shared and wonder how they could happen at all if i was not even the right gender for him. i had to make peace with who i was, and who he was, and what that meant for who we once were. i do not think i want to pull open those particular scars and scratch at them again.

the last time i saw him it was so surreal. we both were shaky and all nerves. we still could not look at each other some thirteen years later. he took an old photo album of mine, the one that had pictures of us in it, and never returned it. he winced when he saw pictures of my girls, and i winced when he talked about doug. and now four years from that awkward meeting he wants to talk about what happened between us. what could either of us really say?

i could tell him i love him, because i always will. it is impossible to love someone that much and just turn it off completely. it changes, it evolves, it loses hope and becomes something different, but it is still love. and perhaps he would say he loves me, too. but, what will it change?

i will still be the girl i am today who is struggling with her heart, and loving someone else who is equally impossible just not in terms of gender. would it just be a reminder that as much as things change we all stay the same? that i am still misguided when i fall in love, that i do not take enough care in protecting myself when it comes to truth of the heart. or, is there something that could be said that would heal my heart, and wake me up from all that i feel right now, make me either believe that what i want is possible, or cause me to realize i need to let it go?

i suppose all the answers i need are already inside of me, and all i need to do is let myself recognize my own truths. we all already know the answers, don't we? we just have to learn to open ourselves up enough to see.

thanks for the song, andrea. i think tonight i really needed it.

"you should've seen by the look in my eyes, baby

there was somethin' missin'

you should've known by the tone of my voice, maybe

but you didnt listen

you played dead

but you never bled

instead you lay still in the grass

all coiled up and hissin'

and though i know all about those men

still i dont remember

cause it was us baby, way before them

and were still together

and i meant,

every word i said

when i said that i love you i meant

that i love you forever."

keep on loving you ~ r.e.o. speedwagon