You add up all the cards left to play to zero

"I could make you satisfied in everything you do,
all your secret wishes could right now be coming true,
And be forever,
with my poison arms around you."

Angeles ~ Elliott Smith

Tonight I hate Los Angeles. Tonight I hate being this alone. Tonight I am hurting in so many ways, and I am finding it hard to breathe and just go on. Let go, it should be so easy, I've done it before. I know about loss, and I know about giving up with grace, and I know about being the one that loves less.

But tonight, with the air thick and playing at a prologue to Summer with it city stuck warmth coming through, I just wish I felt differently. I wish it were easier. I wish I did not look in the mirror and see time slipping by. I wish I saw some remnant of beauty and hope in the reflection. But tonight, right now, all I see is poison and pain, and the echo of an empty room.

I know some of this is the physical pain I'm feeling. I've been in tears most of the night, and I loathe feeling as if I cannot take care of myself. I can, and I will, but tonight I feel like giving in, and giving up.

I keep hitting replay on this song, and each time it makes me cry a little bit more.