Monday, March 23, 2009

Cause I miss you

"Call me on your way back home dear,
cause I miss you,
and I just wanna die without you."

'Call me On Your Way Back Home' ~ Ryan Adams

I suppose there is something adolescent in thinking you cannot live without someone. I mean, at a certain age it becomes clear that you can live without anyone, and anything, because after awhile we all come face to face with loss. We learn to live through things that we think will destroy us, and we get to the other side sometimes and look back wondering what we were thinking in the first place. We brush ourselves off, we change our hair, we decide that going on is the only thing there is left to do.

The older we get the more the world becomes impatient with us. We are expected to sort it out, hold it together, get over things fast. People ask us if we are alright, but most often they do not want, nor wait, for the honest answer. Lovers break apart and before any healing has been allowed to occur we have moved on to someone else. Bodies shifting and names changing, we cling to the physical justification that we still exist, that someone wants us, that we are getting on and over with it; that we will not die without that someone we've lost.

All the psycho-babble could fill library shelves, top to bottom, and they would all say the same. Dependency is a bad word, right up there with heartbreak and need. Only the music makers and the writers of poetry and prose get to mourn anymore. So, we cling to the songs, and to the writings, and sit alone in the dark singing along, memorizing words, relating to every turn of phrase, shedding our tears along with them. Perhaps that makes us feel less alone in the world, and less immature to feel so torn up and broken inside.

But maybe, just maybe, it is okay to not want to live without someone. You will live on, regardless, and deep down you know it - I know it. But, you can still not want to lose someone who means the world to you. You can feel shattered when they feel lost from you, and miss them so terribly that you truly believe you will never recover. There are people that matter that much to us, and that isn't adolescent, or pathetic, or a bad thing - it is actually a beautiful thing to feel that way, to love that way, to have people who matter in that way. And you do not have to be a musician, or a writer, to feel that way - just honest, human, and alive.

"Oh I just wanna die without you,
yeah I just wanna die without you.
Without you honey,
I aint nothing new."

No comments:

Post a Comment