we all want something beautiful

i was down at the new amsterdam staring at this yellow-haired girl
mr. jones strikes up a conversation with this black-haired flamenco dancer
she dances while his father plays guitar
she's suddenly beautiful
we all want something beautiful
i wish i was beautiful
so come dance this silence down through the morning
come out Maria! show me some of them spanish dances
and pass me a bottle, mr. jones

believe in me
help me believe in anything
i want to be someone who believes

mr. jones and me tell each other fairy tales
stare at the beautiful women
"she's looking at you. ah, no, no, she's looking at me."
smiling in the bright lights
coming through the stereo
when everybody loves you, you can never be lonely

i will paint my picture
paint myself in blue and read and black and gray
all of the beautiful colors are very very meaningful
grey is my favorite color
i felt so symbolic yesterday

if i knew picasso
i would buy myself a grey guitar and play

mr. jones and me look into the future
stare at the beautiful women
"she's looking at you...
uh, i don't think so. she's looking at me."

standing in the spotlight
i bought myself a grey guitar
when everybody loves me, i will never be lonely

i want to be a lion
everybody wants to pass as cats
we all want to be big stars, but we got different reasons for that

believe in me
because i don't believe in anything
and i want to be someone to believe

mr. jones and me stumbling through the barrio
yeah we stare at the beautiful women
"she's perfect for you, man, there's got to be somebody for me."

i want to be bob dylan
mr. jones wishes he was someone just a little more funky
when everybody loves you, son, that's just about as funky as you can be

mr. jones and me staring at the video
when i look at the television, i want to see me staring right back at me
we all want to be big stars, but we don't know why and we don't know how
but when everybody loves me, i'm going to be just about as happy as can be

mr. jones and me, we're gonna be big stars...

***

i remember falling in love with acting. performing. with the sound of my own voice echoing from the walls of a stage. the sound of applause. and, most of all...most definately of all...being able to slip into the skin and words of someone else. to lose myself in that. to be disguised. to be seen as someone so far away from me. the freedom in that was like a drug. contagious. addictive. divine.

i sat around with the other "actors". i admired them more than i ever let on. sat on the edge of their looks and lashes. listened to everything they had to say. breathed it in. i loved the way i felt like i fit. and i wanted to fit, so badly.

part of me grew. blossomed. developed into someone who wasn't afraid of her own shadow, anymore. i spoke with brazen speed and sound. laughed. dove right into the pages and the open curtains. the applause. but there was a darker part of me. the side of me that was always so self-judgemental. the voice inside with the pen and paper. jotting down my mistakes. my flaws. my trap doors. and i let that voice take front row center. let it overtake the vision of who i was. she laughed at me in my mirror reflection. told me lies. said you want everyone to love you, but *look at you*.

and i fell.

i wanted the arms of those around me to swoop me up. save me. i wanted them to flood me with confidence. bring me up. i wanted to be a star. we all do, don't we? i wanted to not hear that voice anymore. i wanted to be able to see me, and not want to destroy what i saw.

but i couldn't find the solution, not without an exit. so i left it all behind.

i still miss it. deep within me. i miss it.

but writing and music, they fuel me deeper, i think. they give me the parameters and boxes of layers and costumes to try on, to step into and explore...and create. i think this is what i was more suited towards, where my confidence lies, where i feel my strength and abilities contrast, collide, and become *something*. i know most of what i write are just rambling thoughts and reflections on feelings, more often than not inspired by song, but i try to get it out there - everyday a little more - and if nothing else i'm leaving a ink-stained (or keyboard stroked) legacy of something of me.