'cause i'm still feeling lonely

unable so lost,
i can't find my way,
been searching, but i have never seen,
a turning, a turning from deceit.

'cause the child roses like,
try to reveal what i could feel,
i can't understand myself anymore,
‘cause i'm still feeling lonely,
feeling so unholy.

'cause the child roses like,
try to reveal what i could feel,
and this loneliness,
it just won't leave me alone, oh no.

i'm fooling somebody,
a faithless path to roam,
deceiving to breath this secretly,
a silence, this silence i can't bear.

'cause a child roses light,
try to reveal what i could feel,
and this loneliness,
it just won't leave me alone, oh no,
and this loneliness,
it just won't leave me alone.

a lady of war,
a lady of war.

i wonder, at times, if i have somehow transcended my loneliness. or, if i have just pushed it so far in that pit of inner denial, that it seems as if it ceases to exist. somehow it is in the unexpected leaving of a best friend, that i am beginning to sort out just how lonely i really have been. in my relationship, in what i felt was my best friendship, and in my day-to-day existance. there is nothing quite as disheartening as being lonely when you have people in your life. loneliness within a relationship, and friendship, feels like a cavernous pit that you just keep falling further into. you try to pretend you are used to it, that it is enough, that you do not deserve better, or more. slowly that loneliness goes cold, becomes numb, but it is still there. waiting. freezing over into some form or bitterness and anger. and sometimes it takes a change to wake you up. to make you realize you are lonely, but that some of that can still be fixed in yourself. that you just have to reinvest yourself in your life.

i think i have been holding my personality back in a lot of ways. that i have been trying to hard to be someone i am not, and losing bits of me in the process. that i had not realized how not me i was being, and how hurt i really was, until i started trying to be me again.

i am reclaiming my life, and taking real steps to be social again. to step out of myself some, and let people in again. it is already starting to have an positive effect in my relationship, and in myself, too.

i think i have been holding back too much. that my walls were being built so solidly, that they were almost impossible to overcome. that i had been exuding a "stay away" vibe that did just that -- caused people to stay away; at least in my non-online life.

i don't know.

what i do know is that never, even in my most shy times of childhood and pre-adolescence, have i ever not made friends. i have always moved around, within my home state and county, changing schools. moving. changing jobs. change. change. change. and i always got lucky. met amazing people. connected. felt apart of my surroundings. and then it started to stop. i lost myself in things that were easier to be lost in, and then it suddenly was not easier anymore. the loneliness came out in full force, and i knew it was either change, or lose myself forever.

i've missed the personal, one-on-one. the in each other's faces kind of friendships. friends who are a phonecall away. who you can escape to a movie with, take a walk with, cook a meal with, watch silly t.v. with, invite over for dinner. i have really missed it, a lot.

last night i took my first step at reclaiming friendships and a social life. the potluck was amazing. sure, everyone did not make it, and i know the horrific heat played a big part in it. regardless, it was still an amazing time. seeing a friend i had not seen in over twelve years, and realizing we had not lost a bit of our connection, was amazing. the fact that she took one look at me and got it, saw who i was and was happy with who i am, was just what i needed. hanging out with a new friend who felt comfortable enough to share what was going on in her life was quite amazing, too. and she borrowed my most favorite book and called me today saying she had stayed up all night reading it, that it had helped her, that it had healed her soul in very big ways and thank you.

and seeing my other friend, who i had not seen in a year, and remembering what it was that i found special about him from the beginning. that moment when i realized that we matter to each other, and that we have been inspired by knowing one another. he hugged me and told me he'd really missed me, and i knew that he meant it. that who i am was good enough, and that who he is is good enough. and that really that is what friendship is. allowing people to be who they are, and letting them know they are wonderful in who they are. and sharing a big meal that everyone helped bring together, singing songs together in the kitchen, and sitting on the floor playing with my kids and my friends; it was all incredible.

i feel better today then i have in the last three years, and i have a feeling that it is about to get a whole lot better.

it is good to begin ending this overwhelming loneliness, and feeling so numb for so long. it is damn good to be alive. the ocean helped too. she really does heal me.