and when i see you i really see you upside down

a lack of color ~ death cab for cutie

m, in color

(mine)

she was grey
scorched
languid
lacking
wrapped like a pretzel in the corner
swayingand i tried not to count the bones beneath her skin
tried not to see all the death surrounding her
i looked into her eyes instead
saw the swirl and the colors

her family placed her here
with revolt
and manipulation
they were still trying to make her a black and white character
something small to fit inside of their sitcom lives
but she had the bleeding tones
the bright hues
pouring out of her veins screaming for release

and she starved them
bled them
tore them
tried to kill the color of her soul
fit herself out of herself
for them

we worked in her garden
tried to feed the landgive to the ground something we couldn't give ourselves
i saw her slipping
fading
but i wanted her to just hold on
and i kept looking in the mirror in my room
trying to see myself as the sane one

there were always so many worse than me
like m

some nights the dreams would come
slamming doors in my head
in my thoughts
making me dizzy
weak
and i would just swallow
try to breathe
navigate the disarray of my subconscious

but, i was failing
tripping over my own stack of denial
just wanting to help m walk down the path
to the painting room
hold the can as she dripped her brush
at the ends

there were memories locked into those cement walls
tears
and we were all just passer-bys
biding our time
trying to smile and look "okay"

and, some of us made it to the other end
i did
once i grasped hold of the monster
in the back of my cloudy mind
and agreed to face off with the dragons
of being dismantled

i passed on through
but, m didn't

she painted her rainbows on pots and pans
on the ceiling
in the backyard shade
and then left us

sometimes in the color scheme of my night vision
i see her
not in a black and white re-runs
but riding the beast of sickness
conquering it finally
laying it to rest
in technicolor

* found writing of mine in an old composition book, written for a friend i knew, and lost, a long time ago.