ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find

spark ~ tori amos (the video)

& live on jools holland

"she's convinced she could hold back a glacier,

but she couldn't keep baby alive;

doubting if there's a woman in there somewhere,

here

you say you don't want it,

again and again,

but you don't really mean it.

you say you don't want it,

this circus we're in,

but you don't you don't really mean it;

you don't really mean it."

someone i'm close to called me today and told me that she had a miscarriage last night, and as she told me about what happened, about having to tell her four year old son, and how it felt like she was dying herself i had to keep remembering to breathe myself.

there are some pains in life they say never fully go away, and this one, i'm pretty sure this is a never goes away one.

i still find it hard to talk about, or write about, which is something for me. though i never forget when it happened, or when that child's birthday would have been, or how old they would be now.

it was truly the most painful experience of my life. seven years ago, and it still hurts.

i did not want to say that to her, though. instead i told her i was there for her, to take care of her, and that i understood.

being a grown up really fucking sucks sometimes.