when you gonna love you as much as i do

"i run off,
where the drifts get deeper,
sleeping beauty trips me with a frown.
i hear a voice,
'you must learn to stand up for yourself,
cause i can't always be around'.

he says,
when you gonna make up your mind?
when you gonna love you as much as i do?
when you gonna make up your mind?

cause things are gonna change so fast,
all the white horses are still in bed.
i tell you that i'll always want you near,
you say that things change, my dear."

a friend of mine from work recently lost her father. his memorial service was this afternoon, and i left there moved and full of thoughts.

karen is someone i have just recently gotten to know, but she is a kindered spirit in the way that you just know someone even before you really know them. we both feel music in this very similar way, and have this belief in people's hearts that often transcends what they show on their surfaces. we have quite a few shared life experiences, and have had some big similarities that sometimes is a big staggering to realize. i truly believe that we meet people when we are supposed to, and that we learn so much from each other - more than we even realize.

karen played this song in memory of her father, and in connection with the eulogy she wrote on his life. her story of this loving but flawed man was beyond moving to me. when i held her in an embrace later she told me "i knew you would get it, that out of anyone you would understand. thank you."

i left the garden, where we had toasted this man i had never met before, with this strong sense of life, love, and not giving up. i feel like the last few days have been filled with these impactful experiences, as if the universe is telling me things and helping me along, or perhaps it is just that i am finally learning to listen. whatever it is, i know i feel changed. i feel more alive, more aware, and more full of love than i have in my life. and even in sadness i feel this enormous sense of hope.

i should have said "thank you" right back. and thank you to the music last night, and the company of people i love. and thank you for all this learning.

winter ~ tori amos