keep art alive; art by caia koopmansomedays it amazes me how quickly the time passes, how far i have already traveled in my life, and yet, how often adolescent, or naive, i feel. i still play music far too loud in the car, and i sing along; my own little concert on wheels as i roll along the 101 freeway. i still feel confused by love, and boys, and the dynamics between finding someone who fits with who you are, and actually taking the steps of being with them. on the flipside, i feel that i have volumes of life behind me, and novels worth of things to say about all of it. i feel a chaotic whirlwind of knowing and confusion, desire and regret, doubt and belief; and the unmistakeable pull of some invisible internal cord that whispers and sings to me, reminding me that i am ready for more.
last night i stood in my kitchen, steadying myself against the kitchen counter, chopping up various summer fruits that i'd gathered up from my favorite neighborhood produce market. i have been struggling with dizziness all week, a shaky feeling that comes and goes more frequently the last few days, most often when i try to concentrate on anything. at first, i thought it was anxiety. i have certainly had my share of it lately, and i am in this state of mind where i feel overwhelmed, and that everything is in constant disarray. i do not do well when everything seems disjointed and messy; it leaves me feeling out of breath, frustrated, and unhinged. i have lived with anxiety before, though, and this feels different. my head is spinning, as if i have had that one drink too many, when everything keeps moving even when you stop and close your eyes. i lay awake at night feeling my head swirl, and listening to the pounding of my heart, counting the beats, questioning whether they are faster than before.
perhaps this is a breakdown. today i cannot seem to stop crying, and my temper was lit up like fucking disneyland fireworks. i know i need to find some balance, that i have been working too many hours and not allowing myself any time for life. i also know that i have hidden in that, a bit. my life feels so contradicting and overwhelming that i am not sure what the solutions look like anymore. i feel like i need a life assistant to come in and help me sort out things; someone to feng shui my everything, or at least to hold my hand while i cry some more. i feel like having an all-out sulk on the floor, completely adolescent style angst and self-indulgent pout and pity. inside the pieces are not sticking together any longer, and in all this shuffle and shift, i feel rollarcoaster sick to my stomach.
veronica drew me a picture to "make you happy again, momma", and max slid his hands down my damp cheeks saying "don't cry". and, it all just makes me more upset at myself, as i loathe them to see me broken down.
i swore i would never let my children witness me falling apart. it just makes me feel like a terrible mother, and yet another thing i am failing at. that familiar urge to run is sitting heavy on me, and i am trying to mock it, stick my tongue out irreverently, tell it to sod off; i promised that we would not leave for a few more years. so, i sit here and try to breathe. i try to make friends with the side of me that knows this will pass, and the other part that wants to stomp her feet and wail at the moon. they are all me, and i am all them. and, it is becoming quite clear that i want, need, crave more from this life of mine.
some people hide their emotions
and some people show too much
i'm aiming for somewhere central
*hugs*
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