i look to you to see the truth

fade into you ~ mazzy star (the video)

(somehow listening to this while reading the following just makes sense to me)

"i know i am a fool, hoping dirt and glory are both a kind of luminous paint; the humiliations and exaltations that light us up. i see like a bug, everything too large, the pressure of infinity hammering at my head. but how else to live, vertical that i am, pressed down and pressing up simultaneously? i cannot assume you will understand me. it is just as likely that as i invent what i want to say, you will invent what you want to hear. some story we must have. stray words on crumpled paper. a weak signal into the outer space of each other.

the probability of separate worlds meeting is very small. the lure of it is immense. we send starships. we fall in love.”- gut symmetries ~ jeanette winterson

thank you, achtung baby, for posting this awe-inspiring quote.

touch

last night i sat cross-legged on the floor of the kids' room and played green alligators. the things i noticed most were the way my children visualize and translate the world; how they define it.

the object of the game is rather basic. you have three cards, each one has a picture of something (a birthday cake, a seashell, a computer) and then there are the "action" cards which are green alligators doing things (ballet dancing, golf, ice skating). you have to give clues to what the pictures are in order for the other players to try and guess.

a simple game, but the enjoyable part, at least to me, is seeing the creative mind work and the way expression plays such a part in the way we communicate.

i suppose it is what is sorely lacking in email, or blogs, as a main source of communication - there is so much of the human experience that goes missing. the spark in someone's eyes, the way they gesture with their hands, the quirky looks we all have that make up part of who we are, the gentle touch of a hand.

i know i'm a very physical person, i am free with hugs and arms wrapped around, i like to show my affection and emotion with touch. and sometimes, the lack of it when so many of those people i consider friends are miles away, makes me feel lonely, and often misunderstood.

i like knowing how someone's laugh sounds, how they look right before they smile, and how their voice changes when they are being genuine, or snarky, or flat out silly. and last night i got a pretty good dose of that in my children. i got to sit there and take in the way their individual voices layer over each other, how a laugh is contagious, and how unique each one of their looks and tells are when they are trying to say something, or trying to hide a detail.

just got me thinking.

we only said goodbye with words

"he left no time to regret,
kept his dick wet,
with his same old safe bet.

me and my head high,
and my tears dry,
get on without my guy.

you went back to what you knew,
so far removed,
from all that we went through.

and i tread a troubled track,
my odds are stacked,
that i'll go back to black."

all you give is returned: a mix for june

all you give is returned: a june mix

lucy in the sky with diamonds ~ bono
cleanse song ~ bright eyes
skinny love ~ bon iver
today ~ smashing pumpkins
she bangs the drum ~ the stone roses
getting led ~ adam green
europe is our playground ~ suede
back to black ~ amy winehouse
rise ~ azure ray
deft left hand ~ babyshambles
talk show host ~ radiohead
samson ~ regina spektor
carriage ~ counting crows
the last day of summer ~ the cure
summertime rolls ~ jane's addiction
summer breeze ~ seals & croft
west coast ~ coconut records
umbrella (rhianna cover) ~ manic street preachers
hippy's son ~ dirty pretty things

june mix

ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh

umbrella (rhianna cover) ~ manic street preachers

"you have my heart,
and we'll never be worlds apart.
may be in magazines,
but you'll still be my star.

baby, cause in the dark,
you can't see shiny cars,
ant that's when you need me there,
with you i'll always share.

when the sun shines,
we'll shine together.
told you i'll be here forever.
said i'll always be your friend,
took an oath,
i'll stick it out 'till the end.

now that it's raining more than ever,
know that we'll still have each other.
you can stand under my umbrella,
you can stand umder my umbrella."

day just slips by and my emotions are sinking, though i am trying to pull myself up by invisible strings and songs played up high. stumbled upon this cover and find it rather addictive. perhaps if i keep playing it, louder and louder, i'll feel better (or my ears will ring so much i will not care about anything else).

somewhere no one is expecting

cleanse song ~ bright eyes

"don't forget what you've learned all you give is returned,
and if life seems absurd what you need is some laughter.
and a season to sleep,
and a place to get clean,
maybe los angeles, somewhere no one is expecting.

on a detox loft through a glendale park,
over sidewalk chalk,
someone wrote in red,
"start over".

so i muffled my scream on an oxnard beach,
full of fever dreams that scare you sober,
into saltless dinners."

i think i may be dealing with a bout of depression that i am having a very rough time shaking. there are good things happening in my life and yet i feel very weighed down by sadness. i have yet to make it through a day without crying multiple times. i think i need a "start over". i think i need somewhere unexpected (though not los angeles). i think i need to sort out what is wrong with me.

welcome june

breck road lover ~ the libertines

"we walk the streets where she gets her name."

* max turned four this weekend and today we celebrated it at the park. i played in the sand with toys kate brought as part of his gift, and was later gifted myself with flower necklaces and crowns she made that brought back a lovely memory. unfortunately, my pale skin did not take to all that sitting in the sun too well and i am badly burned, and a bit sick feeling from it. but, max had a blast. watching him with multi-colors of frosting on his face, laughing so hard that he nearly fell over, playing with his new trains, and running around with a real sense of glee on his face made me immeasurably happy. my best friend, family and all of our children, so much bliss that brings to me. all in all, it was a beautiful afternoon.

* it is after ten at night and i want a cup of coffee desperately. yeah. sunday night and a desire like that? we all have our self-destructive tendencies, i suppose. tonight i will not partake in it, though, as i have enough struggles lately sleeping at all.

* i hate when i realize that even though i'm almost 40 years old, and have a pretty decent amount of accomplishments i'm proud of, i still end up feeling not good enough so much of the time. i wish i knew a way to believe in myself more, and to hang on to the good things said instead of internalizing so much of the criticisms and negative words. suppose this goes back to something i was musing on a few days ago, at why it is so hard to just be nice, to say kind words, to not cut each other (and ourselves) down so much. is it because we all are walking around this world feeling less than, too? so, we lash out at each other, or at ourselves, just to either feel better, or not so alone in that level of insecurity? i don't know. maybe this comes from spending a significant part of my day with my mother who seems to have mastered the art of criticism, so much so that my brother and i have learned to be self-deprecating and mocking to such a degree we have a hard time speaking aloud genuinely good feelings. or perhaps it is just that i allow myself to take that kind of thing, over and over again. either way, i would honestly rather be nice, and treated that way, too. love how you want to be loved.

* i was listening to one of the alphabet mixes i used to make this morning while cleaning the kitchen. i miss making those, as well as recently missing the music theme posts i used to write. who knows, maybe one of these days they will make a comeback.

* a trip to the temporary library took place yesterday (our main one is being rebuilt). max is starting to take an interest in books, inspired by his starting school, i believe. he is the first child i've ever had who did not embrace reading from the start, so it was especially happy-making for me to see him getting excited about books. he chose three thomas the train books, his current obsession, and even had the children's librarian helping him locate them. reading them with him last night, and learning morea about the thomas plot and back stories, i am realizing that the island of sodor is quite the land of drama. seriously, those trains just look harmless with their google-eyes and smiles, they are really a intricate web of intrigue, rivalry, and struggles. who knew.

* tomorrow is monday, i am so not ready for that reality yet. maybe that is why i want the coffee.