i want to paint secrets

missive swirl
(mine)

spread it out, spread it thin,
here it is.

this broken down heart,
this pleading sense of peace.
i want to drive circles around the how and why,
becoming the things of dreams,
or at least something more, something cascading.

i want to rip this mask off the face in the mirror,
even if it rips my skin clean off,
leaving drops of who i was in the sink,
drizzle, dripping, dry.
i want to stand in front of the world and admit everything,
and nothing.
that i was wrong with all of it,
and saw the warning signs along the road.

(they were right)

but here i am twisting and turning through this big fade,
my beloved crumbling eternal mess.
i want to sweep it all up in a brown paper box,
tissue paper, penny for luck, tuck it inside.
i want to fasten it to the underside of a demon,
or attach it to an angel wing,
whoever is the highest bidder,
or the losing straw.

which are you?

i'm this precious doubt, yes,
and i'm this burning sense of wish and must.
i want to lose all of it, some of it, none of it,
stand across the sea and dive as deep as i can, sink, sigh.
cloud my eyes with water, read the contents of all i already know.
we're losing you, young lady. speak up. say it again,
i can hear them already.

they spell it out to you.

my kaleidoscope baby,
my razorback girl,
you enter and exit the motions in me, emotions.
leaving marks with crayon.
on the interior of my eyes, my soul.

you read me.

i want to paint secrets on your toenails,
draw a map to a greasy spoon diner on your back, with pixie stick sugar.
let's climb to the top of the hello kitty factory,
search for our twin star, our scented life eraser.
scream mistakes and memories, lyrics to songs stuck in your head,
or just i love you's.

now.