just like starting over

"it's time to spread our wing's and fly,
don't let another day go by my love,
it'll be just like starting over."

at least that is the attitude i am choosing to take with this. my laptop is dead. the hard drive failed and i have literally lost everything i have saved on it (music, photos, writing). it is all replaceable, and i have been in this before - the state of losing things that mean something to me, and starting over - and i know how to get through it.

it still sucks, though.

so far, this year seems to be about loss and new beginnings; so be it, i suppose. i feel the shift in myself already, trying to remember to simplify, to breathe, to let things go, and to start over. and to remember to let myself make mistakes, breakdown, sort it out, and start again.

i may send a plea for music at some point. and, the story i am currently working on is in my drafts - so huzzah for that.

really, i have all that is important to me - my family and friends, and the people i love.

i'm lucky, truly i am.

i'll just brush self off & look ahead, best we can ever do really.

(just like) starting over ~ john lennon

song of the day

if you want it

my mother used to have this box of 45’s she kept tucked underneath our dinosaur-size stereo system. she rarely played them, always claimed to prefer her albums, complained about having to set that little clip into the middle circle, that it took too much time. i know the real reason was because that box of 45’s were a wedding present to her and my dad, and she did not like to remember a time when it was joanie and jim anymore.

but, i loved them. and this, this song, was my very favorite.

“a very merry christmas

and a happy new year

let’s hope it’s a good one

without any fear.”

happy xmas (war is over) ~ john lennon

no longer playing the game

i love that moment when a song hits you, gets you, and leaves you in a state of near dizziness. i know i rely too heavily on music to communicate with. i know that deep down there is this hole that only music fills, a c(h)ord that only a lyrical refrain can move in me. perhaps music is this life's addiction, but i know that it is the place in which i take breath, where i let my emotions dance around in, and where i seek and find understanding.

when no one else seems to understand my heart, music does.

today it is john lennon's ode to a healthy disconnect, a new perspective, and a simplicity that can be found in the details and motions of life; at least that is what i take from it. it seems to fit right in with my refusal to become part of the drama that is trying to pull me in, and my choice to see the truth in all of it, and keep my self-respect in the process.

in my yesterdays i would have taken this as being all about me - my failings, my missteps, my lack of anything and everthing. i would have been sucked into all of it, and in the spin and masked intentions i would have lost myself, and most likely people i do not want to lose.

i don't mind the spin of the merry-go-round as long as i'm the one spinning it. most days, though, i'd rather take a trip down the slide, or try to touch the stars with my toes while swinging to the sky. or, on days like today, i'd rather lie in the grass and just let it all go.

thanks, mr. lennon, for saying it bettter than i could.

"i'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round

i really love to watch them roll

no longer riding on the merry-go-round

i just had to let it go."

watching the wheels ~ john lennon