feathers on my breath

big sur, california

the first five songs of the day:

dancing queen ~ abba
st. pauli ~ art brut
one more time (daft punk cover)/my vien ilin (live) ~ ted leo
no birds today ~ cowboy junkies
new york is a woman ~ suzanne vega

apparently my itunes hates me, or went off and took a holiday without me. when i turned on the laptop this morning and opened up itunes she was completely empty. so, i have had to re-load all my folders of music. on the plus side, all those annoying duplicate songs are now not there. also, my itunes seems to have an early morning abba thing going. no matter how i sort my music, as soon as i hit shuffle and play an abba song starts it all up. not the same one, either; she varies with her abba-love.

i have been (re)reading the unbearable lightness of being recently. the last time i read it i was eighteen, and it astounds me how differently the book feels to me now that i'm reading it, some twenty years later. it is one of those books that i want to take in slowly, contemplate all the meanings and layers, and write in the margins. i am reminded of my favorite english proffessor, and how she encouraged us to keep composition books full of our reactions on anything we read; be it a classic piece of literature, a newspaper article, or a comic book. this article is quite keen, and makes me want to grab a copy of big sur and take the drive. visit the nepenthe, the henry miller museum, and talk to the ocean for a bit.

i've also had my mind on san francisco lately. i cannot believe how long it has been since i've been there, and how much i miss it. there was a time when i was younger, and jules was a baby, that i almost moved there. sometimes i think it may be where i end up, after jules has graduated high school and settled into college. i miss the bay area.

today is shoshana's birthday. she is such an incredible soul, full of poetry, wit and genuine kindness. i miss her quite a bit, and often. i was thinking today at how long we've known each other, and how we've both changed and grown in many ways, and how we are the same in other ways. i hope she has an incredible day, and a fantastic new year in her life.

best show on television this summer, besides californication, has been live at abbey road. seriously, the music has been so incredible that i have even been impressed with bands and artists i normally would not listen to. i posted a video from the show, with damien rice, a week or so ago; i will post another incredible one, later today.

a much needed day off today, though i have been checking work email. it was nice to be able to drop the kids off this morning without the typical rushing around and barely breathing ferver. veronica seems to love school, wakes up excited and anxious to get there. at breakfast, at the school, they had breakfast pizza and fruit. the pizza made me smile as it reminded me of post-party cold pizza mornings, especially when i first lived on my own.

kerry, yo gabba gabba is on the television right now. this is the most surreal and hypnotic children's show i have seen in a very long time. it reminds me of a post-modern sid and marty kroft show. max sure seems to love it.

now isn't it obvious

keep art alive; art by caia koopman

somedays it amazes me how quickly the time passes, how far i have already traveled in my life, and yet, how often adolescent, or naive, i feel. i still play music far too loud in the car, and i sing along; my own little concert on wheels as i roll along the 101 freeway. i still feel confused by love, and boys, and the dynamics between finding someone who fits with who you are, and actually taking the steps of being with them. on the flipside, i feel that i have volumes of life behind me, and novels worth of things to say about all of it. i feel a chaotic whirlwind of knowing and confusion, desire and regret, doubt and belief; and the unmistakeable pull of some invisible internal cord that whispers and sings to me, reminding me that i am ready for more.

last night i stood in my kitchen, steadying myself against the kitchen counter, chopping up various summer fruits that i'd gathered up from my favorite neighborhood produce market. i have been struggling with dizziness all week, a shaky feeling that comes and goes more frequently the last few days, most often when i try to concentrate on anything. at first, i thought it was anxiety. i have certainly had my share of it lately, and i am in this state of mind where i feel overwhelmed, and that everything is in constant disarray. i do not do well when everything seems disjointed and messy; it leaves me feeling out of breath, frustrated, and unhinged. i have lived with anxiety before, though, and this feels different. my head is spinning, as if i have had that one drink too many, when everything keeps moving even when you stop and close your eyes. i lay awake at night feeling my head swirl, and listening to the pounding of my heart, counting the beats, questioning whether they are faster than before.

perhaps this is a breakdown. today i cannot seem to stop crying, and my temper was lit up like fucking disneyland fireworks. i know i need to find some balance, that i have been working too many hours and not allowing myself any time for life. i also know that i have hidden in that, a bit. my life feels so contradicting and overwhelming that i am not sure what the solutions look like anymore. i feel like i need a life assistant to come in and help me sort out things; someone to feng shui my everything, or at least to hold my hand while i cry some more. i feel like having an all-out sulk on the floor, completely adolescent style angst and self-indulgent pout and pity. inside the pieces are not sticking together any longer, and in all this shuffle and shift, i feel rollarcoaster sick to my stomach.

veronica drew me a picture to "make you happy again, momma", and max slid his hands down my damp cheeks saying "don't cry". and, it all just makes me more upset at myself, as i loathe them to see me broken down.

i swore i would never let my children witness me falling apart. it just makes me feel like a terrible mother, and yet another thing i am failing at. that familiar urge to run is sitting heavy on me, and i am trying to mock it, stick my tongue out irreverently, tell it to sod off; i promised that we would not leave for a few more years. so, i sit here and try to breathe. i try to make friends with the side of me that knows this will pass, and the other part that wants to stomp her feet and wail at the moon. they are all me, and i am all them. and, it is becoming quite clear that i want, need, crave more from this life of mine.

some people hide their emotions

and some people show too much

i'm aiming for somewhere central

nosebleed (acoustic) ~ maximo park