today's the fourth of july

fourth of july ~ aimee mann

"today's the fourth of july,
another june has gone by,
and when they light up our our town i just think,
what a waste of gun powder,
and sky.

i'm certain that i am alone,
in harbouring thoughts of our home;
it's one of my faults that i can't quell my past,
i ought to have gotten it gone.

oh baby, i wonder if when you are older,
someday,
you'll wake up and say,
my god,
i should have told her;
what would it take?

but now here i am and the world's gotten colder,
and she's got the river down which i sold her.

so that's today's memory lane,
with all the pathos and pain;
another chapter in a book where the chapters are endless,
and they're always the same;
a verse,
then a verse,
and refrain.

oh baby, i wonder if when you are older,
someday,
you'll wake up and say,
my god,
i should have told her;
what would it take?

but now here i am and the world's gotten colder,
and she's got the river down which i sold her."

you could make a killing

"i wish i was both
young and stupid."

sometimes i find myself knee-deep in nostalgia, wishing for a past that has those gold-rimmed truths that really aren't so true. memory paints itself the way the soul wants to see it, and in all the ways i was stronger then, i was weaker, too. i suppose we trade life for wisdom, mistrust for compassion, indecision for hope. though sometimes what you take with you is insecurity, loss, and the internalized self-loathing.

i cringe sometimes at how entertained we all are by self-deprecating humor. not that i am any better at it, not at all. it is always so easier to cling to misery, to fear, to obstacles. to lose yourself so completely that you settle for less because maybe you never had better, or perhaps you keep being reminded that you are not good enough for what you truly want.

so we run, we collapse, we hide, and we crumble. for me, sometimes i wish for when i was younger. a trick i play with my heart that i felt more then, or took to heart less. always the one to love less, to hide more, to act rash in ways that ultimately pulled the rug out from under me.

how does one break that cycle though? how does one take the steps towards being the person they are meant to be?

that's how i knew

"i drew a picture of you,

you and your anchor tattoo,

and saw the face that i knew,

covered in shame."

that's how i knew the story would break my heart ~ aimee mann