fill yourself with quarters

mistaken for strangers ~ the national

"you get mistaken for strangers by your own friends
when you pass them at night under the silvery, silvery citibank lights
arm in arm in arm and eyes and eyes glazing under
oh you wouldn’t want an angel watching over
surprise, surprise they wouldn’t wannna watch
another uninnocent, elegant fall into the unmagnificent lives of adults

make up something to believe in your heart of hearts
so you have something to wear on your sleeve of sleeves
so you swear you just saw a feathery woman
carry a blindfolded man through the trees
showered and blue-blazered, fill yourself with quarters
showered and blue-blazered, fill yourself with quarters."

this song is amazing, cathartic, and somewhat relatable; though i think part of me realizes that for months and months and possibly years it is me who has mistaken myself for a stranger.

i am taking a much needed break from much of everything internets-related. it is nothing personal, nor is it anything i want to explain. i just need the time to sort myself out, finish this year, and do some work on my life.

so, i suppose i would say this space is currently under construction, or at least the narrator of this reality.

i did my best to keep my head

gold mine gutted ~ bright eyes

"it was grass stain jeans and incompletes and a girl from class to touch
but you think about yourself too much and you ruin who you love
well all these claims at consciousness my stray dog freedom

let's have a nice clean cut
like a bag we buy and divy up."

ex-lovers can never truly be friends. there will invariably be the conversations that repeat and replay, each time leaving a fresh mark, a new scar. we all have the past one we let down, who we never were good enough for, who we never felt ourselves with. but honestly, i'm tired of being reminded how badly i failed.

just consider me a stupid girl who tries to still care about people she once loved, and maybe just from now on leave me alone.

everyday we wake up

you, me and the bourgeoisie ~ the submarines

"everyday i wake up,
i choose love.
i choose light.
and i try,
it's too easy just to fall apart."

a close friend of mine is visiting. he arrived late last night and we stayed up well into the early hours of morning talking about life and love and all the in-betweens. he is like family to me, my adopted brother, and these are the kinds of conversations that make me realize how much i miss him when years pass by of us seeing each other, and also how much i value the people in my life who are friends, family, and chosen family.

it is hard in this life to be understood. and it is even harder to wake up everyday and decide to see the good things around us. to choose love instead of anger and hate, to choose light instead of the dark clouds of negativity. and really, it is sometimes far too easy to fall apart (i know, i've spent most of this year falling apart and feeling defeated that no one was there to catch me - c'mon lucy, don't you know you have to catch yourself???)

anyhow...another friend sent me a link to a review of an aimee mann show and the submarines were the opening act. this video was linked in the review, and listening to it, it just felt like friday to me, it felt like how my heart is feeling today, and how i would like to believe i try to wake up and live my life like.

at least i like to think i try to.

i can be my own best friend

lua ~ conor oberst & the mystic valley band

lua ~ bright eyes

"and i know you have a heavy heart, i can feel it when we kiss
so many men stronger than me have thrown their backs out trying to lift it
but me i'm not a gamble, you can count on me to split
the love i sell you in the evening by the morning won't exist

you're looking skinny like a model with your eyes all painted black
just keep going to the bathroom, always say you'll be right back
well, it takes one to know one, kid, i think you've got it bad
but what's so easy in the evening by the morning's such a drag"

the first time i heard lua it was around valentine's day. a good friend of mine sent out these mix cd's for the holiday and it was filled with songs and bands that at the time i had never heard, and would end up completely falling in love with. the libertines were on that cd, and anyone who knows me knows what that band means to me. ted leo and the delays were on that cd. arcade fire, too. i'm telling you it was an amazing cd.

this song - lua - was among the tracks, too.

lua took me apart on the first listen. it seriously dismantled me in ways that certain songs, pieces of art, moments in film, and pages of books sometimes do. i remember having to pull the car over to the side of the road and remind myself to breathe. years before i was so much like this song, so much that tears were streaming down my face while conor's fragile voice trilled out over the strum of his acoustic guitar.

there was so much beauty in the song, and so much desperation. a certain kind of loneliness that you know when you spend nights out far too late in smoke-filled clubs, pressing up against strangers in stairwells and dance floors, making excuses to disappear into the bathroom with chemicals tucked in your purse.

it was years that had past since i was that girl, but i still recognized her. still recognize it tonight. finding the live version, with conor and his new band, was a highlight - and it is well worth the time to download it. i did not think i could love this song anymore then i did, but i do.

"it was so simple in the moonlight now it's so complicated
it was so simple in the moonlight, so simple in the moonlight
so simple in the moonlight..."

its gonna be alright

one thing never changed ~ the pretenders

"that old train keeps blowing
through the center of this town
restores my faith
when the chips are down

it don't take no passenger
since the streets got re-arranged
but that whistle still blows
because one thing never changed

the boy i was loving
had to say so long
back to a world
where i don't belong

it affected me so
you could say i was deranged
but that whistles gonna blow
because one thing never changed

speak to me
speak to me again
speak to me
speak to me again

that old train keeps blowing
i can hear it in the night
i hold onto myself
its gonna be alright

people come and go
like cars changing lanes
but that whistles gonna blow
because one thing never changed."

i am blown away by the beauty, and sadness, in this song. chrissie hynde is a personal favorite of mine. her voice, it is that one voice, that one vocal range, that i've always found my own voice in. and something about some of her songs, the way she sings them, that just gets under my skin, and stays put.

i've played this over and over since a friend sent it to me this morning. tears come and go, and i play it again. beautiful, it is just tragic, and beautiful.

something about it reminds me of the final scene in the film ghost world. the part where enid goes to the bus stop that no longer is active. the stop where she sees the old man waiting, even though she's told him herself that no bus will come here anymore. and then the bus comes. she gets on and leaves. she is on to something else. is is death? is it meant to represent change? letting go?

i'm standing up the morning after

elliott smith (1969-2003)

no name # 6

"if only you could just change your luck."

say yes

"situations get fucked up,
and turned around,
sooner or later."

between the bars

"i'll kiss you again,
between the bars,
where i'm seeing you there,
with your hands in the air,
waiting to finally be caught."

angeles

"i could make you satisfied in everything you do.
all your secret wishes could right now be coming true.
and be forever with my poison arms around you."

clementine

"you drank yourself into slo-mo,
made an angel in the snow,
anything to pass the time,
and keep that song out of your mind."

miss misery (early version)

"but it's all right,
because some enchanted night,
i'll be with you."

miss misery

"to vanish into oblivion,
is easy to do.
and i try to be,
but you know me,
i come back when you want me to."

happiness

"what i used to be will pass away and then you'll see,
that all i want now is happiness for you and me."

i miss you, elliott smith. i wish i'd had the chance to see you play. i wish i could have baked you cupcakes and told you how much your music has meant to me. that there were nights either/or kept me going, kept me breathing, and made me feel less alone. more than anything, i wish you were still among us, making music, and finding your own bliss.

i hope you found it, wherever you are. thank you for the music. i miss you.

worth reading: everybody cares

waiting in october mix

beauty is tragic and we are forever waiting: an october mix

real love ~ regina spektor

"all my little plans and schemes,
lost like some forgotten dream,
seems like all i really was doing,
was waiting for you."

this day ~ the sleepy jackson

"the sun comes in the morning,
and it waits at night,
and i've got the one the only one i know."

how soon is now ~ the smiths

"i am human and i need to be loved,
just like everybody else does."

faultlines ~ dirty pretty things

"and all this waiting is just hesitating for nothing, oh-oh ohh.
and the faultlines and all the conjecture from both sides,
why-oh-why can't we change things?
this is destroying me inside.
you know you wanna run away."

ocean and a rock ~ lisa hannigan

"i spoon you into my coffee cup,
spin you through a delicate wash,
i wear you all day."

cobwebs ~ ryan adams & the cardinals

"if i fall,
will you catch me?
if i'm sorry,
sorry enough.
if i fall,
will you pity me?
will you confuse my love for the cobwebs?"

new york ~ stephen fretwell

"oh, hold on to me.
i'm gonna get you out
i'm gonna set you free.
to a place that I've heard on the radio.
never sleeps.

i'll get a job in a bar,
you could be a waitress and serve cheap cigars
to fat mustachio men in suits, you'll look cute."

neighborhood #1 (tunnels) ~ arcade fire

"then i'll dig a tunnel
from my window to yours,
yeah a tunnel from my window to yours."

breakable ~ ingrid michaelson

"and we are so fragile,
and our cracking bones make noise,
and we are just,
breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys."

most of the time ~ sophie zelmani

"most of the time i'm halfway content.
most of the time i know exactly where it went.
i don't cheat on myself,
i don't run and hide,
hide from the feelings that are buried inside.
i don't compromise,
and i don't pretend,
i don't even care if i ever see him again;
most of the time."

porcelain ~ better than ezra

"well i wish i could kill you,
savor the sight.
get in to my car, drive into the night.
then lie as i scream to the heavens above.
that i was the last one you ever loved.
yes, your skin is like porcelain."

burrito ~ pete yorn

"come on over tonight
come on over this morning
momma says, 'you only fall in love once.'"

guess i'm doing fine (live) ~ beck

"it's only lies that i'm living,
it's only tears that i'm crying,
it's only you that i'm losing;
guess i'm doing fine."

sky ~ joshua radin & ingrid michaelson

"last night, we had a great fight,
i fell asleep in a horrible state,
than dreamt that you loved my best friend,
my heart would not mend,
seemed it was fate."

blue jeans & white t-shirts ~ the gaslight anthem

"and we sing with our heroes thirty-three rounds per minute,
we're never going home until the sun says we're finished.
and i'll love you forever if i ever love at all,
with wild hearts, blue jeans, & white t-shirts."

waiting ~ the devlins

"i'll still be waiting...
waiting with the orphans,
waiting for the bee stings,
they tell me that success brings,
waiting in the half light,
waiting for your whole life,
waiting for an ideal...
a low deal...
a no deal,
to play your stereotype.
and if you ever find the time,
you know i'm not far behind,
and if you ever need someone...

i'll still be waiting..."

waiting ~ october mix zipped