lyrique la discorde et les rêves

2009-06-24T17:32:00.000-07:00

i've moved on.

i used to write here
and at the time it meant everything,
so it seemed to be the right thing to do to bring it back to life.

so this is my resurrected dream, of sorts, and hopefully i'll be writing here for a good long time.

2009-06-05T12:13:00.001-07:00

on hiatus, semi-permanently.
be back at some point.

Day Two: Coachella: Part Two

2009-04-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

Calexico

I mentioned in an earlier Coachella post about the times during the festival when the music matched the desert surroundings, and the Calexico set was definitely one of those times. We were unsure of what we were going to see at this time slot, and if I'm not mistaken we had something else chosen, but somehow we wound up finding a place on the grass to stretch out and take in this band. Prior to this experience the most I'd known of Calexico is the things I'd heard off those friends I'd known who'd seen the co-tour they did with Iron and Wine, and a song that had landed itself on a mix given to me once, featuring Charlotte Gainsbourg (their cover of Bob Dylan's Just Like a Woman, for the film I'm Not There). This was a set that I did not feel driven to give my constant attention to, yet their music sunk into my skin like the rays of the late afternoon sun did. I experienced them casually, leaning back in the grass, and taking in the day around me. The one sight that still revolves in my memory bank was of this group of young people who were dancing, often dramatically, to the music together - and with each other. There was one girl in particular, strikingly beautiful, dressed in a sarong and bikini top, with a deep scar that snaked up her torso. What struck me the most about this girl is how she spun around, in complete abandon, not hiding this mark on her that some might label a flaw. It was amazing to watch, and hit me right there how much power music has, and how deeply I'm affected by being among music fans. Calexico has stayed around with me, too - like a postcard I sent home to myself - as I've found myself seeking more of their music, playing it over and again, and feeling transported back to the desert, and that day.

Alone Again Or (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Calexico

Thievery Corporation

The beauty and magic continued on to the main Coachella stage, as we made our way over to watch Thievery Corporation. Again, the music and the desert matched up perfectly, and as the night sky turned dark, and the bright array of lights turned on, I felt transported by the music. This was a set impossible not to dance to, to sway back and forth to, and to feel lifted by - even if you sat on the grass in wonderment. The only weak moment was when they asked Perry Farrell to join them on-stage to sing Revolution Solution. I know he was featured on the released version of this song, but his voice really detracted from the over-arching sound of the set to me. The rest though was brilliant, truly an unforgettable. Warning Shots and Exilio were my favourites, as was Lebanese Blonde. I am grateful that I did not miss the swirling magic of this set.

Exilio (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Thievery Corporation
Lebanese Blonde (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Thievery Corporation

M.I.A.

Oh how I wanted to like M.I.A., I really did. Both Jules and I have enjoyed her music for awhile. Now, I will preface this by saying that I am a fan of breaking down the fourth wall that exists between stage and audience, and I have often admired, and enjoyed, artists who bridge that gap and really interact with their fans (bands that do random gigs in fans flats, stage diving like Amanda Palmer did in her set, artists who go into the audience during a show as Joss Stone actually did), but this - the stage invasion that M.I.A. instigated, it felt different. From the start of her set she seemed determined to break all the rules just for the sake of breaking them, and to prove some point that she wasn't a sell out. She even went into a rendition of Amy Winehouse's Rehab (Amy Winehouse, who was supposed to play, and whose slot M.I.A. actually ended up with) with the re-written lyrics of "They tried to make me do the Oscars but I said no, no, no.") This just seemed like the wrong place to throw out all this anti-music corporation anger. I mean, did she not agree to do Coachella? Was it not a festival of music? It was not a brand campaign showcase, or any kind of heavily commercialized venue. To me, Coachella seemed to be full of music fans - not like some Los Angeles show which is filled with a percentage of industry people just being seen. Whatever her reasons, and she may very well have had them, it rubbed me the wrong way and made it hard for me to enjoy her music. I felt like I was a manipulated participant in an agenda that I did not necessarily buy into. I am all for the spirit of fight the man, but this just felt like a battle fought against an innocent village. We were all there for the music.

Bird Flu with Stage Invasion (live, Coachella 2009) ~ M.I.A.

The Killers

Brandon Flowers is the epitome of a frontman. He is charismatic, theatrical, passionate, and impossible not to be moved by. I remember the very first time I heard The Killers it was the song Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine and my first thought was "Who stole John Taylor's bass guitar?" Duran Duran was my first band I ever fell in love with, and all the shows I went to were phenomenal to me. They would start and I would disappear into the music, the showmanship of Simon LeBon, the sounds of the keyboard, lead guitar and bass - all of it. The show would start, and I would scream-sing along, and before I knew it the show was over and I was screaming for an encore. This set felt that way. For an evening I was that 15 year old girl scream-singing along to a band that just stole me away. They even played Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine. Though my favourites were the emotive Sam's Town with Brandon on the piano, the sing-a-long All These Things That I've Done, and my personal favourite Killers' song, Read My Mind.

They were incredible.

Thank you, Mr. Flowers, for making me feel 15 again. And yes, my crush on you is still going strong.

Sam's Town (live, Coachella) ~ The Killers
All These Things That I've Done (live, Coachella 2009) ~ The Killers
Read My Mind (live, Coachella 2009) ~ The Killers

Day Two: Coachella: Part One

2009-04-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

Ida Maria

Second day in and the first set we saw was Ida Maria. I was not all that familiar with her music beyond the one song that had made its rounds via the music blogs that I follow, I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked. She was much more than that catchy tune, though that was a fun song to take in live (and the stickers that were getting passed around, with the retro Sex Pistols font, was quite fun). She reminded me a lot of a more pop-infused Bjork (think Debut, or perhaps a little less surreal Sugarcubes). Andi did mention that she reminded her of Nena, and I see that comparison, too; a matter of fact I think we mused on her doing a cover of 99 Luft Balloons while discussing her. She gave a high energy performance that was hard not to be caught up in, and I enjoyed the intro she gave to my personal favourite song of the set, Stella. My only real criticism would be that I would have preferred they turned up her vocals a bit more, and that there had been a bit more sound balance between the rest of the band, and her voice. I also really loved the song that she introduced as a "desert song", Keep Me Warm, especially the lyrics "Pour myself a cup of coffee full of sober nights, cos nicotine and coffee are my friends in this fight".

Keep Me Warm (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Ida Maria

Bob Mould Band

Hüsker Dü was one of those bands that I'd heard of, but not heard, until I found myself working for years at various record stores. I'll admit, though, that I heard Bob Mould first in Sugar before I ever heard an album of the former, and I think my musical heart was always more moved by the latter (I loved Copper Blue so much). He gave an amazing performance, full of power pop energy that I had first loved in those first moments of hearing him. Hoover Dam was my favourite of the set, as I mentioned before a song coming from the album I loved the most from his various incarnations, and musical body of work. I also enjoyed one of his new songs, Life and Times, whose lyrics hit me hard - in a good way. I hadn't actually planned on checking out his band when I'd originally set-up my Coachella plan-to-see list, but I am glad I stumbled into the Gobi tent and gave a listen.

Hoover Dam/Life & Times (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Bob Mould Band

Joss Stone

There was a bit of a break between acts we had planned to see, and Jules and I wandered about a bit, finally deciding to find a nice spot on the grass and listen to Joss Stone. She gave an enjoyable performance, and has quite a voice. I especially enjoyed her nearly unrecognizable cover of The White Stripes' Fell In Love With A Girl (Boy). Though I personally prefer the original, this was a refreshing take on the song, and it was a nice showcase for her bluesy voice. She interracted with the audience in a playful way, and her enjoyment with the day, and performing was infectious, and we both found ourselves tapping our toes and smiling a lot (even in the heat of the late desert afternoon).

Fell In Love With A Girl (Boy) (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Joss Stone

Paolo Nutini

This was one of Jules' can't miss picks, this and the next set (though the next one we were both determined not to miss). Unfortunately Paolo's set ran into the next one, so we only stayed for a few songs. What we did see was best described as charming and fun. I would like to see a full set with him someday, and both of us agreed to checking him out again if, or when, he comes to Los Angeles. The one thing that stuck out for me, as well as his charm and fun persona, was how his accent comes out so thick in his songs. I'd heard New Shoes on a mix Jules made for our drive to Coachella, and then heard it again this morning on the same mix, and realized that the album version is very produced, and that his accent is nearly erased on the recorded version. I prefer the live Paolo, thick Scottish accent, and all.

New Shoes (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Paolo Nutini

Amanda Palmer

Amanda Palmer's set was one of my most loved musical memories from Coachella. I loved her, and though I did like her before Coachella, I think seeing her live turned me into an all-out fan of hers. She has tremendous stage presence and charisma, has this way of connecting with the audience both with her expressions, her asides and stories between songs, and her unique and emotion-infused performance. She started the show by bringing out a line of volunteers who allowed their bodies to be painted up, including a letter affixed to each of their backs which spelled out her name as introduction. She stood up in all her corset and gartered glory and it was impossible to not pay attention. My favourites of the set were the moving Ampersand (that has found its way into my heart, and become one of those songs that I'll be calling one of my favourites for a long time to come), Coin Operated Boy, I Google You (a co-written gem that she wrote the music for, and Neil Gaiman wrote the lyrics to that anyone who spends anytime on the internet can relate to, even if you want to deny it), and the grand, crowd-surfing finale - a sing-a-long to Radiohead's Creep. Amanda Palmer had me on an emotional roller-coaster the entire set, crying one minute (especially to Ampersand), laughing the next, and applauding her tenacious, brave and beautiful spirit the next. This really was one of the highlights of Coachella, for me.

Creep (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Amanda Palmer
Ampersand (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Amanda Palmer

Day One: Coachella: Part Two

2009-04-22T18:09:00.000-07:00

Leonard Cohen

Just thinking about the set, and seeing the man in person, I get tears in my eyes. There are moments in life where you realize, without a moment of doubt, that you are glad to be alive - and watching Mr. Cohen sing was one of those moments for me. I stood there watching, with my beautiful daughter beside me, one of my good friends standing close by, and a few other good friends spread through the crowd, and felt amazed, lucky, and healed. Though I wish he had played my all-time favourite song, he did sing Bird On A Wire and Everybody Knows, and of course, Hallelujah. When everyone in the crowd sang along to the chorus, with him, as the sun began to set in the desert, tears were streaming down my face. It was truly my most favourite moments of the entire festival, and one of those unforgettable moments in my life. Mr. Cohen himself was so humble, genuine, and truly a beautiful soul. I still do not have the proper words to describe seeing him play, nor the coherent thoughts to describe what the experience was like. I just know that, as my friend Dale has said about the experience, my heart felt healed.

Hallelujah (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Leonard Cohen

Morrissey

We missed the first half, or so, of Morrissey's set because of Leonard Cohen, so I am not sure my assessment of this is all-together fair. That said, we did arrive at the very moment he was stating that the smell of burning flesh he was experiencing, how he hoped it was human. Then Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others started up, and he was visibly annoyed, and would go from singing loudly to mumbling the lyrics half-heartedly, as if he was grumbling, or struggling to remember the words. He seemed overall to be put upon being there, and perhaps he was. The highlight of the set for me was hearing him play How Soon Is Now, and I was also cheering him on when he took his shirt off, as I'd always heard he did back in the days of the Smiths, as I'm all for being proud of your body at any age. I wanted to like him, I wanted to enjoy the set, and I wanted to feel something more than let down by him. Maybe it was not fair, as well, for me to react to him right after Leonard Cohen, but it happened the way it did. He ended his set and I was disappointed in the experience, that is just how it felt for me.

How Soon Is Now? (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Morrissey

Paul McCartney

I was born into a Beatles family. There is not a moment of my life where I do not remember knowing who the Beatles were, or having their music around in my life somehow. They were the first albums I remember memorizing the lyrics to. They were the music my Mom listened to that changed her expression, that lifted her up when she was down, and that brought her to tears sometimes, too. I learned what it looked like to love a band, and would remember it later when I fell for bands myself. I remember the stories my Mom told me about the music, and her memories she had attached to their songs. And, after awhile, I started building my own memories to their music.

Julia's Dad grew up in a Beatles family, too, and he loved them as much as I did, and as much as our families did. We had every album in that first tiny apartment we shared, and when I found out for sure I was having a daughter we both agreed that Julia (named after the song, and John Lennon's Mother), was perfect. Her father sang her Blackbird when she was a baby, and we both sang Hey Jude to her on long car rides. Standing next to her singing along to both songs, and so many others, was incredible.

He played for three hours. He was amazing and emotional, and seemed to give so much to all of us. He spoke about Linda (the day he was there playing was the 11th year anniversary of her passing). He spoke about John (and played a song I hadn't heard since I was much younger, from a Paul McCartney album that I would take for days on end from my Mom and sing along to). He spoke about George (and played Something on the ukelele). He came out for three encores, and I truly believe he would have stuck around and played further into the night if the venue would have allowed it. This was the closest I'll ever come to seeing The Beatles, and I'm grateful for the experience. It was an unforgettable night, and really the best way to end my very first day at Coachella.

Hey Jude (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Paul McCartney
Something (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Paul McCartney

Day One: Coachella: Part One

2009-04-21T09:48:00.000-07:00

Before the memories become an even bigger music-induced blur then they already are, I thought I'd write up a small, per-artist review, if for nothing else but so that I have a place to revisit, and remember.

We Are Scientists

We arrrived and were waiting in line as We Are Scientists were already on-stage. I could hear 'After Hours' while my backpack was being checked, and had that anxious feeling of wanting to be inside already twisting around inside. We made our way over to the main stage and found a spot on the grass. We only were around for the last song and a half, but they seemed good. They are going on my list of "catch at a later date".

The Great Escape (live, Coachella 2009) ~ We Are Scientists

Airborne Toxic Event

We moved up flush with a barrier wall to watch the next band on the main stage, Airborne Toxic Event. This was one of the bands I was very excited to see, especially since I was too ill to make it to their show at the Glass House. They were fantastic. All of the members had tremendous stage presence, especially the violinist (Anna Bulbrook) and singer/guitarist (Mikel Jollett). They opened with my favourite track from their self-titled album, 'Wishing Well', which soared and far exceeded the sound I'd grown to love on their album. Their cover of 'Goodbye Horses' was phenomenal, and 'Gasoline' blew me away. 'Does This Mean You're Moving On?' pulsed with a rockabilly feel reminiscent of mod/ska events I went to in the mid-to-late eighties, and had the crowd bouncing in the sun. Jollett announced after the song that the song was "fun to perform, but fucked up when it happened". I will definitely not miss them the next time they play here in Los Angeles, which hopefully won't be too long a wait since they are Echo Park/Los Feliz locals.

Goodbye Horses (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Airborne Toxic Event

M. Ward

Prior to this past Friday my only exposure to M. Ward had been to his work with other artists. First, with the work he did on Bright Eyes' album 'Cassadaga', and tour for the same album. Then there was the album he made with Zooey Deschanel, under the name She & Him, that I'd enjoyed. But, when it came to his solo work I really had know experience with his sound, or songs. There were moments during this long weekend when the music and the desert met up and became something near perfect, and beautiful - this was one of those moments. As I sat there on the grass among friends and my lovely daughter, or when I mid-set laid back on the grass and took in the hazy afternoon sky, I felt something close to what I imagine floating feeling like. It seemed as if some of the anxiety and heartbreak I've had over the last few months started to lift off of me, and fly off somewhere in the ether. What a feeling.

Roll Over Beethoven (live, Coachella 2009) ~ M. Ward

Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley Band

For years I have held a special place in my heart for Conor Oberst, a feeling of adoration that began back when I first heard the song "Lua" on a now somewhat legendary Valentine's Day music mix that a dear friend of mine made. His work under the name/guise of Bright Eyes has been well-loved by me, especially the albums 'I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning' and 'Cassadaga'. That said, I was a bit hesitent in regards to expectations of what his live performance would be like as the last time I'd seen him, on a second night of his Los Angeles leg of the 'Cassadaga' tour he was in a foul mood, and took his disposition out on the audience (though, I have to admit he sounded amazing, even then). I had nothing to fret over this past Friday, though, as he was brilliant - and his new band (who he has been recently quoted as saying he "to Tepoztlan, Mexico to make a solo record – he accidentally formed a band.” - were incredible. My favourite of the set, the song 'Cape Canaveral', was breathtakingly beautiful, and impossible not to shed tears over. I would love to catch him live with this band again - soon - I hope.

Cape Canaveral (live, Coachella 2009) ~ Conor Oberst & The Mystic Valley Band

...More to come from Day One soon...

I'm not gonna match you cause I'll lose my voice completely

2009-04-20T12:34:00.000-07:00

Ampersand (video) ~ Amanda Palmer

"And I may be romantic,
and I may risk my life for it,
but I ain't gonna die for you,
you know I ain't no Juliet.
And I'm not gonna watch you wanna burn yourself out baby,
no I'm not gonna stop you,
cause I'm not the one that's crazy."

There is so much I want to write about my three days at the Coachella festival, but I need to sift through the memories, and the short notes I jotted down along the way. I need to re-visit some of the music, and the emotions that still cling on my skin, and on my insides. And some of the feelings I want to keep to myself because I feel so changed right now, and so healed, yet some of that feels so deeply personal that I fear bleeding all of it out in words - as I'm known to do - may take too much from it, and I really need the healing, I do.

This song, though, is playing over and over again in my memory. It is as if there is a loop unspooling, recoiling, rewinding itself up, and then playing again. I know that I stood there in that tent, close to the stage, watching her play this on the piano, and sing in what seemed like was her heart out. She seemed to be bleeding in the way that I do in words that I type, or scratch out in composition books, and I was following along with ever turn of phrase, with every lyric, and I stood there with tears running down my face, feeling so much.

I am tired of the hurting that comes from my own issues, my own pain, and my own broken hearted pieces. But, even more, I am tired of being hurt from other people's pain and broken hearted pieces. My instincts push me to try to heal the other, to understand, to rip myself open if it means they will find something soothing in anything I have to give, even when what they need, or what they have to say, slays me and slashes at me in ways that are near impossible to recover from. So, why do I do it? Why do I let my voice and wants and needs be lost to someone else's voice and wants and needs? Why do I chalk it all up to love, as if that makes all the pain okay?

I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to lose myself completely. I don't want it anymore, not like this. I want to keep healing, and for my heart and words to matter.

Drink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of days

2009-04-15T14:18:00.001-07:00

"Drink up, baby, look at the stars,
I'll kiss you again between the bars,
where I'm seeing you there,
with your hands in the air,
waiting to finally be caught.

Drink up one more time,
and I'll make you mine,
keep you apart deep in my heart,
separate from the rest,
where I like you the best,
and keep the things you forgot."

'Between the Bars (cover, live) ~ Metric

♥

The kind that goes out and then sleeps for a week

2009-04-15T12:33:00.000-07:00

You know darling: I can't stand to sleep alone: Lazy Afternoons Mix

Sleep Alone ~ Bat For Lashes
The City That Never Sleeps ~ Eurythmics
Hold Still ~ Grizzly Bear
Slowly (Oh So Slowly) ~ Conor Oberst
Day Old Blues ~ Kings Of Leon
Blue ~ Angie Hart
Sylvia Plath ~ Ryan Adams
Transatlanticism ~ Death Cab For Cutie
Never Far Away ~ The White Stripes
If You Want Me ~ Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova
Glycerine ~ Bush
Not Your Year ~ The Weepies
I Know ~ Fiona Apple?
Creep ~ Radiohead
Perfect Day ~ Lou Reed
Dream a Little Dream ~ Mama & The Papas
Will You Wait Here ~ Longview

Lazy Afternoons Mix ~ Zipped Up

And I've been here, silent all these years

2009-04-14T14:52:00.000-07:00

An article on Observe & Report, and why rape is not a comedy

A good friend of mine told me about this film, and the contents within a scene meant to be taken as comedy, on Friday last week, and it has bothered me deeply ever since.

The article above was shared by the same friend, and is very well written and thought provoking. It hit me on a very personal level, and made me realize that though there has been years that have passed, the hurt is still there, and the elements that were part of the society I was in back then still exist now, keeping silence a continuing after effect of rape.

I wrote this in another forum, but I wanted to share it here, as well - my response to the above link:

As a rape survivor, and someone who kept silent because of the situation and the societal opinions regarding date rape, or rape by someone you knew, and perhaps had been out with, and maybe considered having sex with, or had had sex with was not rape - even if you said no, even if you screamed no, even if you ran away the second you could, and even if it changed who you were for years - well, the idea of a joke being made of it just really disgusts me, but more than that, it just makes me deeply sad.

Sad too that I’m not the only one I know with a story. That more women in my life, or who have been in my life, have their own story then ones who do not. And that as a mother of three children, the thought that this is a message that is still in the mainstream, and considered entertainment, just makes me so sad.

This is definitely worth a read, and more than that, worthy of the discussions I hope this whole thing brings to light. We keep quiet so often about our stories of rape, or sexual abuse, because we don’t want to be labeled, pitied, singled out, or thought of as different because of it - but silence does not help anyone, not even ourselves.

Silent All These Years (live, video) ~ Tori Amos

Is it something so good

2009-04-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

Yet there's still this appeal: Though love will tear us apart (again): Another Love Mix

Your Love ~ Pacha Massive
Lovecats (live, cover) ~ Tricky
I'm Gonna Love You Too ~ Blondie
Love Will Tear Us Apart ~ Swans
Thin Line Between Love & Hate ~ The Pretenders
Love Is Dead ~ Kerli
This Year's Love ~ David Gray
You Can't Hurry Love ~ Diana Ross & The Supremes
One Sweet Love ~ Sara Bareilles
Game of Love ~ Wayne Fontana & The Mindbenders
Crazy In Love (cover) ~ Snow Patrol
The One I Love (cover) ~ Rosie Thomas
I Love You (Je T'Aime Mon Non Plus) ~ Cat Power & Karen Elson
Someday You Will Be Loved ~ Death Cab For Cutie
My Love ~ The Bird & The Bee
No One's Gonna Love You ~ Band Of Horses
Forever Love ~ Anna Nalick
Prisoner of Our Love ~ The Airfields

Another Love Mix ~ Zipped Up

I'll never lose this pain, never dream of you again

2009-04-13T23:36:00.001-07:00

'Untitled' ~ The Cure

"Hopelessly drift in the eyes of the ghost again,
down on my knees and my hands in the air again,
pushing my face in the memory of you again,
but I never know if it's real
never know how I wanted to feel.

Never quite said what I wanted to say to you,
never quite managed the words to explain to you,
never quite knew how to make them believable,
and now the time has gone,
another time undone."

*tears*

Where a secret was concealed

2009-04-13T22:33:00.000-07:00

slowly I am realizing that the love I wrapped around myself
was made up of caught in my throat chance decisions
and the wavering and wandering desires of every other whim
but my own

I slip and slide into these well-rehearesed chaste moments
that one would swear was fated and cast by the stroke of some star-crossed love
reigned in and provoked by a moonglow, or some other mysterious magic
meant for every ever after

but I know the paths and maps of all those in-betweens
the picture that each person secretly longs for yet rarely utters aloud
unwrap the right truths and all those locked up fantasies
come falling out to land right there
at my feet

I should have been a courtesan instead
with brightly coloured flowing dresses to hide within
and slashes criss-crossed on my pale white skin outlining where wings would be
in another life or on a different girl
anyone but me

lost among this shadow boxed inside-out lie of love
have you caught any glimpse of who I am at all
and is it fair to blame you that you cannot see something
that I made completely invisible
to you

inspired by The Calendar Hung Itself ~ Bright Eyes
The Calendar Hung Itself (live, video)

I just wanted you to love me, honey

2009-04-13T22:29:00.001-07:00

"I knew I was never gonna talk to you tomorrow,
and oh, the birds how they sing.
If you were a bird could you sing me a song of sorrow?
‘Cause all I know from you is grief.

But, I never wanted to be your rolling train,
I never wanted to be your dancin’ shoes.

I just wanted you to love me."

'Touch, Love and Lose (live)" ~ Ryan Adams

Driving back home in the typical mass of Los Angeles traffic in a truck that is not mine I find myself feeling overwhelmed, over-wrought, and sick of just about everything - especially myself. This song came on and I turned the volume up, higher, higher, and higher.

Ryan and his blues, slipping out of the speakers, swirling around the cab of that truck, leaving me feeling understood, embraced, and a little saved.

Loving someone who is still in love with someone else, it is the stuff of so many tragedies, tear-jerker movies, adolescent paperback novels, and so many songs of broken hearts. Seems almost contrived to cry about such things, and yet we do.

Sometimes one mistakes soulful eyes and warm arms for love, and sometimes the other mistakes a kind smile and a shoulder to cry on for a temporary fix.

The sun is going down now, it turns the smog into some kind of breathtaking brilliance. Everything ugly looks beautiful in the right light, or played in the right key - even a broken hearted girl.

(song of the day)

Never give a girl a gun

2009-04-12T11:25:00.000-07:00

there are still these blisters on the inside of each hand
notches left on my hip where the holster used to hang
you taught me to aim to the left and close one eye tight
to run like hell when the bullet broke the skin
to never look back and don't you ever cry, girl

but when I pulled the trigger and felt the recoil
bounce me back against the wall
you stared in disbelief with that mouth wide open gape
as if to say that you could not believe this trick would turn
you built a cold-hearted assasin up an out of a warm wishing fool
and I said to you never look away and don't you ever scream, boy

give my gun away when it's loaded

inspired by 9 Crimes ~ Damien Rice

9 Crimes (live from Abbey Road, video)

Wait

2009-04-12T11:02:00.001-07:00

"They don't love you,
like I love you."

'Maps (live)' ~ Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Yeah Yeah Yeahs' performance on SNL last night was phenomenal, and they played 'Maps', which does my heart in; but, I love it.

Oh my stars, how I love Karen O.

Will you lie with me and just forget the world?

2009-04-12T10:53:00.001-07:00

"Those three words,
are said too much,
and not enough."

'Chasing Cars (live)' ~ Snow Patrol

♥

Waiting for the gift of sound & vision

2009-04-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

From your lips she drew a hallelujah: So let go: A Masked & Covered Mix, Vol. 1

Last Goodbye (cover) ~ Natalie Merchant
Something (cover) ~ Jim Sturgess
Chasing Cars (cover) ~ Vitamin String Quartet
Let Go (cover) ~ Boys Like Girls
Teardrop (cover) ~ Newton Faulkner
He's a Rebel (cover) ~ My Morning Jacket
Jimmy (cover) ~ Of Montreal
Use Me (cover) ~ Pete Yorn & Kinky
Use Somebody (cover) ~ Bat For Lashes
Sound & Vision (cover) ~ Franz Ferdinand
Souvenir (cover) ~ Amiina
My Hero, Zero (cover) ~ The Lemonheads
Time to Pretend (cover) ~ Gareth Pearson
Bad Moon Rising (cover) ~ Rasputina
Sweet Child O' Mine (cover) ~ Taken By Trees
Mad World (cover) ~ Gary Jules
Romeo & Juliet (cover) ~ The Killers
Mr. Blue Sky (cover) ~ Lily Allen
Hallelujah (cover) ~ Rufus Wainwright

Masked & Covered Mix ~ Zipped Up

I hope its gonna make you notice someone like me

2009-04-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

Use Somebody (original, video) ~ Kings Of Leon
Use Somebody (cover, video) ~ Bat For Lashes

Natasha Khan/Bat For Lashes' cover of Kings of Leon's recent 'Use Somebody' is a work of stark beauty and vulnerability. I love the organ in the background, and the tambourine. It reminds me of the Doors albums I borrowed from my Mom growing up, and the way I found their songs to feel something close to holy, sensual and intimate.

Khan's version gifts the song a more timeless, stripped down feel - which also adds to the plea of loneliness that the lyrics provide. Where the original soars as a post-modern power ballad, Khan's cover brings it in closer, holds itself with arms wrapped around sadness, and raw emotion.

I love both versions.

Zipped Up

(song of the day, cover Sunday)

It's a dark secret you carry with you

2009-04-12T01:39:00.000-07:00

They're gonna find us: At the dark end of the street: Meow Mix

Something for Cat ~ Henry Mancini
Black Cat ~ Ladytron
Cats in a Bag ~ The Luyas
Jump at the Cats ~ King Creosote
Dark Secret ~ Matthew Sweet
Couches in Alleys ~ Stryofoam, featuring Ben Gibbard
Three-Legged Cat ~ Red House Painters
Plea From a Cat Called Virtue ~ The Weakerthans
Freeze ~ Mikix The Cat
Dark End of the Street ~ Cat Power
Cat People (Putting Out Fires) ~ David Bowie
Cat Tail Legs ~ Megan Hamilton
Iceland ~ Bark Cat Bark
Big Cat ~ The Clean
Risenraeder ~ Kitty Hoff & Coralie Clement
Kitty Get Down ~ The Ropes
Switchblade Kitty (Ruckus Roboticus Remix) ~ The Lady Tigra
Rippin Kittin ~ Miss Kitten

Meow Mix ~ Zipped Up

Somewhere deep inside you must know I miss you

2009-04-11T18:24:00.001-07:00

"I was in your arms,
thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense,
building me a fence.
Building me a home,
thinking I'd be strong there,
but I was a fool,
playing by the rules.

The gods may throw a dice,
their minds as cold as ice,
and someone way down here,
loses someone dear.
The winner takes it all,
the loser has to fall,
It's simple,
and it's plain,
why should I complain?"

'The Winner Takes It All (cover)' ~ Meryl Streep

Say what you want about this film, and the music within it, but there is something endearing about it, and hard not to adore, if even just a little. Meryl may not have the best voice, but she plays the role as Sophie's independent Mom so well, and in most of the film seems as if she is having the best time ever (especially after so many heavy dramatic roles played prior that she is so famous for).

And here, the vulnerability and sadness, so raw and real. To me this is the strongest song of the film, and had me actually realizing what this song was about in the first place. Abba, so much a staple of my growing up years (and those late teens/early twenties club days), I had forgotten the regret in this one, and the bittersweet resolve.

The first time I watched it was on a plane and it made me cry. Tonight it hit me a little harder - this scene, and the one between her and Sophie, her daughter. During that scene Jules turned to me, grabbing my hand, and asked if I would give her away if she ever got married.

Then in this scene, she asked if I was okay. I think she may be the only one who really knows how much I hurt over what happened, and what did not happen. And yes, it still hurts like hell, though I'll carry on and tell myself I am fine until I believe it, because that is what I do. I carry on. I survive. Always.

(song of the day)

You gave me more to live for, more than you'll ever know

2009-04-10T15:12:00.001-07:00

"Kiss me,
please kiss me.
Kiss me out of desire,
not consolation."

'Last Goodbye (cover, live)' ~ Natalie Merchant

♥

And help you to forget

2009-04-10T13:58:00.001-07:00

"Ophelia was a tempest cyclone,
a goddamn hurricane.
Your common sense, your best defense,
they wasted, and in vain.

For Ophelia'd know your every woe,
and every pain you'd ever had.
She'd sympathize and dry your eyes,
help you to forget...

And, help you to forget."

'Ophelia' ~ Natalie Merchant

One of my favourite songs, videos, artists. Such a moving piece on the collective consciousness of women, and also on the split from reality/mental illness, and the stereotypes and roles, both chosen and directed, that women have taken through the centuries.

Ophelia is such a tragic soul, the one woman besides Juliet and Lady Macbeth, that stand out to me and linger in my memory from my Shakespearean studies. She is one of those characters that I am ever left wondering about, wanting to know more, wanting to explore her heart and mind. Ophelia, like the girls from 'Virgin Suicides', and Daisy in 'The Great Gatsby'. Mysteries that will never be fully solved, but that keep us riveted, wondering, and full of contemplation.

I always feel a bit like these Ophelia's, so many pieces that make-up the person I am, sometimes conflicting, sometimes in harmony, and ever-evolving.

(song of the day)

Its filling me up with new life

2009-04-09T21:04:00.001-07:00

"The stars in the sky,
bring tears to my eyes;
they're lighting my way,
tonight.

And, I haven't felt so alive,
in years."

'But Not Tonight' ~ Depeche Mode

This song reminds me of nights spent in, usually a Saturday because there were never any good places to go to on Saturdays. Perhaps we needed it as a recovery period, or maybe it just became a ritual that we relied on.

We had three movies that we rented everytime. After awhile the woman who owned the tiny video store started joking that we should just keep them. 'Modern Girls' was one of the three, and this song was a big part of the film.

It also reminded me of driving around Hollywood in the middle of the night, my too-small car filled with people, music and voices entertwining. The nights back there seemed endless.

A girl and her blues

2009-04-09T20:49:00.000-07:00

(written January 5, 2007)

the blows are unexpected
they sneak in through a left open window
or bleed out from the contents of a song
leaving behind purple rising bruises
in places marked easy-to-hide
because this is the kind of pain meant to be kept solitary

like ghost ships full of forgotten treasure
that only i can see
after a five shot night of whiskey
or a twist tryst with someone who calls you
by every name but your own

as if my face casting shadows on your bedsheets
needs to be blurred out or painted over
made into some unrecognizable fantasy
that just cements all those grade school slurs
and the party invitations that missed my post box
every year

i grow so weary of these re-writes and character studies
ever the muse just thrown into a new set and form
by a different artist's hand

after awhile someone else's lines turn into my own
and i lock the bathroom door behind me afterwards
watch black streaks of borrowed eyeliner slide down my skin
as i feel nothing but the cold tiles under my feet
ever searching the mirror reflection
to find who i am anymore

it is then the marks become visible
gashes that spell out every weakness and lie
and i think to myself
that there are not enough tears in one girl's lifetime
to make this ever okay

maybe you should have just forged my passport
and made me into someone from your ink stained stories
at least then i could read ahead and know how it was all
supposed to end

To be lost in a forest

2009-04-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

On all those hooded sweatshirt walks: We were a stroke of luck: A Wandering Mix, Part One

Heart ~ Stars
Fake Palindromes ~ Andrew Bird
Gold Mine Gutted ~ Bright Eyes
Someday You Will Be Loved ~ Death Cab For Cutie
Grazed Knees ~ Snow Patrol
This Modern Love (acoustic) ~ Bloc Party
A Forest ~ The Cure
Upward Over the Mountain ~ Iron & Wine
Something To Believe In ~ Aqualung
Still Fighting It ~ Ben Folds
We Might As Well Be Strangers ~ Keane
Sense ~ Pete Yorn
Violet Hill ~ Coldplay
Walking With a Ghost ~ Tegan & Sara
I'm On Fire ~ Bruce Springsteen
Appalachian Springs ~ The Verve
The Great Beyond ~ Aimee Mann
This Is Your Life ~ The Killers
Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying ~ Belle & Sebastian

Wandering Mix, 1 ~ Zipped Up

This is love

2009-04-08T17:30:00.001-07:00

I've very rarely been this vulnerable with anyone, but it has happened, and it means everything to be able to trust someone to see you this exposed. It is beautiful, and yes, it is love; not matter what your definition of love is - friend, lover, parent, child - moments like this are love.

I'm glad I've had one or two of those moments in this life.

It will pass away like a slow parade

2009-04-08T17:16:00.001-07:00

"and Laura's asleep in my bed,
as I'm leaving she wakes up and says,
'I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
baby don't go away, come here'"

'Land Locked Blues (live)' ~ Bright Eyes

♥

Some things are better left unsaid

2009-04-08T14:52:00.001-07:00

"This is the book I never read,
these are the words I never said,
this is the path I'll never tread,
these are the dreams I'll dream instead.
This is the joy that's seldom spread,
these are the tears...
the tears we shed.
This is the fear,
this is the dread,
these are the contents of my head."

'Why' ~ Annie Lennox

This is such an amazing performance.
I think I have no words to express, it just leaves me shaking.

I am not sure I ever felt the power and emotion in this song until hearing this.

Wow.

I have a picture pinned to my wall

2009-04-08T12:41:00.001-07:00

"You say I'm a dreamer,
we're two of a kind,
with both of us searching for some perfect world,
we know we'll never find.

So perhaps I should leave here,
yeah yeah and go far away,
but you know that there's nowhere that I'd rather be,
than with you here today."

'Hold Me Now' ~ Thompson Twins

I have so many memories attached to this song, which is most probably a testament to my age, and the era that I was an adolescent. It reminds me of high school dances, John Hughes films, and sleepovers with my friends. I'm pretty sure I did some kind of make-shift karaoke (you know, two girls with a tape recorder singing/'recording" in the bathroom) to this song.

Something about the song though, and the lyrics, still matter to me today. They transcend some of the over-wrought nostalgia that floods through my skin when I hear it. Though honestly, most of the feeling is from the point of view of a sixteen year old girl with band posters tacked up on her walls.

(song of the day)

Kiss off into the air

2009-04-08T10:26:00.000-07:00

Now I know the perfect kiss: Is the kiss of death: A Kissable Mix

He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) ~ The Crystals
Kiss Off ~ Violent Femmes
Give Him a Great Big Kiss ~ The Shangri-Las
The Just Kiss Her (The Shoes Remix) ~ Candy Clash
Kiss Of Death (Remix) ~ New Order

Kiss Me (Dances With White Girls Remix) ~ Franz Ferdinand
Kiss Me Slowly ~ Airiel
Kiss Me At The Gate ~ The New Monarch
Kiss And Make Up ~ Saint Etienne
Kiss Me Again ~ Jessica Lea Mayfield
A Kiss Before I Go (live) ~ Ryan Adams & The Cardinals
The Last Kiss ~ Aidan Moffat & The Best-Ofs
Kiss My Name (live) ~ Antony & The Johnsons
French Kiss ~ Brave Belt
Still I Long For Your Kiss ~ Duane Jarvis
Blew A Kiss ~ The Glasses
The Kiss ~ Judee Sill
Kiss That Girl ~ Pop Will Eat Itself
He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss) (cover) ~ Grizzly Bear

Kissable Mix ~ Zipped Up

See your sunrise

2009-04-07T17:53:00.001-07:00

"Did she make you cry,
make you break down,
Shatter your illusions of love?

Is it over now?
Do you know how to pick up the pieces and go home?"

'Gold-dust Woman' ~ Hole

I so needed this song today, played loudly and screamed to. I am really in a truly awful mood.

But music prevails, always.

I love the original, too - but today Courtney is doing it for me.

Oh, hold on to me

2009-04-07T16:59:00.001-07:00

"Please can we go away
Get out of here
Somehow today.
For a place that I've heard on the radio
Never sleeps.

I'll get a job in a bar,
You could be a waitress and serve cheap cigars
To fat mustachio men in suits, you'll look cute.

Fuck what they say
Fuck it if they talk
It really dont matter.
We're going to New York."

'New York' (live) ~ Stephen Fretwell

♥

Say you don't want it

2009-04-07T15:47:00.001-07:00

"How may fates turn around in the overtime?
Ballerinas that have fins that you'll never find.
You thought that you were the bomb, yeah?
Well ,so did I."

'Spark (live)' ~ Tori Amos

Fate colours outside of the lines and normally I am all for that kind of disregard, but today it all just hurts. It matters, the people around you, and the lives touched. I am so fucking tired of doubting the person I am.

(song of the day)

Down by the sea

2009-04-07T11:36:00.000-07:00

Lost my soul there: Down by the sea: An Ocean Mix

Pacific Coast Highway ~ Courtney Love
The Diamond Sea (cover) ~ Yeah Yeah Yeahs
An Olive Grove Facing the Sea ~ Snow Patrol
California ~ Phantom Planet
From Brighton Beach to Santa Monica ~ The Clientele
Too Many Fish in the Sea ~ The Marvelettes
The Sea ~ Morcheeba
Ocean ~ Dar Williams
Gleaming Endless Ocean ~ Scarlet Youth
Edge of the Ocean ~ Ivy
Sea ~ Low
Deep Sea ~ Kurt Vile
Deep Blue Sea (live) ~ Grizzly Bear
The Girl & the Sea ~ The Presets
In the Aeroplane Over the Sea ~ Neutral Milk Hotel
Led to the Sea ~ Jenny Owen Youngs
Roller Coaster by the Sea ~ Jonathan Richman & The Modern Lovers
The Minnow & the Trout ~ A Fine Frenzy

An Ocean Mix ~ Zipped Up

But my mind has fucked me over more times than any man could ever know

2009-04-07T11:07:00.001-07:00

"So we stayed up late one night to try and get our problems right,
but I couldn't get into his head just what was going through my mind,
and I think he knew where I was going,
he put Ryan Adams on;
I think he thinks it makes me weak,
it only ever makes me strong."

'New Romantic' ~ Laura Marling

I wish there were easy answers and simple solutions. That definitions, and re-definitions, came in some pretty brown paper package, delivered to my front door, with a map on what we do now. Or that music really had the answers, and not just the comfort of knowing that we all share a collective consciousness of confusion.

If I had the answers I know I would share them with you. But I don't. I just have this haze of sadness, and confusion, still.

Passion

2009-04-06T19:00:00.000-07:00

"I’d rather lose myself in passion than lose my passion."

~ Jacques Mayol

Future

2009-04-06T18:18:00.000-07:00

At the end of this month some significant things will change. I will no longer have a job, which I know I am not alone in, as so many people are part of the financial crisis' layoffs. I find myself surrounded by awkwardness, and lost faces, who are bracing themselves for the coming day. Perhaps I should be sad. I've been here for two years, and I have friends here that I care deeply for. But, I can't help it, some part of me is incredibly excited.

There is the fear though. That ever nagging self-doubt and anxiety that makes me feel that I will ultimately fail at everything I truly want. I suppose this is part and parcel to why for years I've shut off the "want" button inside of me. If I gave voice to things I wanted, needed, desired then I was making them known, recognized, and real - and then what would I do when one by one I was let down, disappointed, or fucked up the things I wanted so desperately? Was it not safer to stay silent, to go numb, and to cling to past hurts as if they would protect me from the future.

I held on tight to a heartbreak that happened years before as my defining moment, and the inevitable outcome of loving someone. It was too vivid, those memories of lying on the floor in a heap, shaking, crying, feeling like I wanted to die. The inevitable loss, the parting words, the clumsy attempt to stay friends. And, I'm sure if you asked him today, he'd still call me a friend, even though we haven't spoken in years. It was too difficult, too tangled, and too painful for the both of us. I remember as if it were yesterday. Why would I risk giving my heart away like that, only to end up at that kind of ending? Better to build a wall, to be the one who left first, cared less, was able to exit unscathed.

And dreams of what I wanted to be, of what I saw when I sat alone and thought about where I should be, and who I should be? I'd held the desire to write and teach for so long that they became part of my interior make-up. They were the things I longed for, but would never have. Because what if I tried and couldn't teach a thing? What if I stood in fear and anxiety at the front of a classroom, struck mute? And what if no one gave a shit about the words I wrote? What if they were dismissed in stacks and stacks of well-meaning "thanks, but you are not what we're looking for" letters of rejection? What would I have to call mine if those unrequited dreams were smashed?

But, I did fall in love again.
I am still writing.
And I do still want to teach.

The love may not have worked out completely in the way I hoped it to.
The writing may never go where I want it to.
And I may return to school and get lost along the way, and never stand before a classroom.

But...

My heart still knows how to love, and I still love, even hopelessly.
My writing has touched a few people, and it has helped me find myself.
My children learn quite a lot from me, even in my mistakes.

So, maybe this layoff is a tap on my shoulder, or a kick in the ass. Perhaps now is the time to try some of these wants out, or learn to let them go. I don't know. I may fail miserably. I may never be enough. But, I think I am quite excited to have the chance to try.

That's not me

2009-04-06T16:12:00.001-07:00

"In a little while,
I'll be gone.
The moments already passed,
yeah, it's gone.
And I'm not here,
this isn't happening.
I'm not here.
I'm not here."

'How to Disappear Completely (live)' ~ Radiohead

Late last night in the midst of those sleepless hours, when sadness and insomnia were clasping hands tightly, and turning me completely inside out. I think, for an brief moment in time, in the haze of exhaustion, I felt transparent. Perhaps it was a wish, of sorts, to disappear completely - if only for a day or so - and not face the hurt I was feeling.

This song reminds me of that.

Also, this particular version just takes my breath out of me, and brings tears to my eyes. Radiohead is one of those bands that I never fully embraced to the levels that most of my musically obsessed, and self-defined indie friends, ever did. I loved the Bends album, and never quite loved anything after. I know some of this was all the hype, and the never ending shout-outs the band received, silencing many of the bands I utterly adored.

That said, sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I've come around to some of the undeniable incredible songs. This is one of them.

(song of the day)

And when I see you, I really see you upside down

2009-04-06T14:31:00.000-07:00

She can't see through the mirror: So she hides on the other side: A Reflective Mix

Mirror ~ Apples In Stereo
Alice ~ Pogo
Future Reflections ~ MGMT
Mirror Error (Afghan Raiders Remix) ~ The Faint
Rear View Mirror ~ Rapper Big Pooh
Mirror Ball ~ Crayon Fields
A Lack of Color ~ Death Cab For Cutie
Me & My Mirror ~ Vitaminsforyou
You Just Disappear ~ Alcian Blue
Window (Mirror) Shadow ~ Adrian Orange & Her Band
One ~ U2
A Scale, a Mirror & Those Indifferent Clocks (live) ~ Bright Eyes
Mirror in the Bathroom ~ English Beat
Walk Into the Mirror ~ Stephen Malkmus & The Jicks
Strange & Beautiful ~ Aqualung
Black Mirror ~ Arcade Fire
Putting the Damage On ~ Tori Amos
How to Disappear Completely (BBC Remix) ~ Radiohead

A Reflective Mix ~ Zipped Up

If I only could

2009-04-06T11:17:00.001-07:00

"So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell me, we both matter, don't we?
You, (If I only could, be running up that hill).
You and me (If I only could, be running up that hill).
You and me, won't be unhappy.

And if I only could,
make a deal with God,
and get him to swap our places,
be running up that road,
be running up that hill,
be running up that building.
If I only could

Come on, baby, come on, come on, darling,
let me steal this moment from you now.
Come on angel, come on, come on, darling,
let's exchange the experience."

'Running Up That Hill' ~ Placebo

♥

Brevity

2009-04-06T10:40:00.000-07:00

Brevity's Pull - In Praise of the American Short Story

Back when I was in college, the first go around, I took a three semester course on American literature in which I had the best teacher/professor I had ever had/have ever had. We spent a great deal of time on the short story, and I remember she was the first one to introduce Raymond Carver, for one, to me.

She was the reason I decided, without a doubt, that I wanted to teach. She was also one of the six people who inspired me to write, to believe in my writing, and to read until my eyes couldn't stay open.

This article reminds me of her, and of a love I have for short stories. And, it is also another tap on the shoulder that the decisions I'm making for the next turn of page in my life is the right one. I'm scared as hell, and thrilled to the bone, but I'm starting to know that I am on to something here.

Life's too short to not follow your bliss, and try for your dreams.

Paperback letdown

2009-04-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

Another page is ripped away from a book I clung to for far too long
a fairytale story of a girl who had neverending quests to fulfill
a string of dragons to slay for everyone who crossed her path
and still the demands of being a princess beckoning
to be fair, true, and vulnerable to love's twisting illusions

with blood still dripping from her trying-to-hide hands

But how can one be both savior and damsel in distress?
daisy-chains braided into my hair as a child were not the uniform of a lifetime
even though I think I clung to the significance of those wispy, wild flowers
enough to paint them into my skin around a name not truly my own
perhaps they were my attempts to re-write the plot twists
or at least give this girl a different ending

It is obvious you never knew me
not for a second
even though I cracked open my ribs
and let my heart fall through
exposing every secret, every flaw, every god-damn part of who I am
or was

I never wanted you to rescue me
the only one who can save me

is me

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

2009-04-05T22:04:00.001-07:00

"I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?"

'Skinny Love' ~ Bon Iver

♥

And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more

2009-04-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

"All I see are dark grey clouds, in the distance moving closer with every hour. So when you ask 'is something wrong?', I think 'you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now. No, we can't talk about it now."

Tiny Vessels ~ Ben Gibbard

This is the moment

2009-04-05T19:12:00.000-07:00

Harder now that its over: But now you're free: A Regret Filled Mix

Like a Friend ~ Pulp
Tiny Vessels ~ Death Cab For Cutie
All the Way Down ~ Glen Hansard
The Scientist (cover, live) ~ Aimee Mann
Nothingman ~ Pearl Jam
Regret ~ New Order
So. Central Rain ~ R.E.M.
Warning Sign ~ Coldplay
Warwick Avenue ~ Duffy
Flightless Bird, American Mouth ~ Iron & Wine
Last Day of Our Love ~ Bird & The Bee
Harder Now That It's Over ~ Ryan Adams
Rootless Tree ~ Damien Rice
Last Goodbye ~ Jeff Buckley
Flying High ~ Jem
Trouble (cover) ~ Elliott Smith
Norwegian Wood (This Bird Has Flown) ~ The Beatles
Stay (Far Away, So Close) ~ U2

(above links are videos, mix is below)

Regret Filled Mix ~ Zipped Up

The moment that could have changed everything

2009-04-05T18:01:00.001-07:00

"It was an accident.
I wasn't looking for it, I wasn't on the make.
It was a perfect storm.
She said one thing, I said another,
next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in that conversation."

Letter to Karen, Californication

I posted this pre the big blog delete. It made me cry then, it makes me cry harder tonight.

One of the most beautiful television moments, to me, ever.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions

2009-04-05T17:51:00.001-07:00

"Nobody said it was easy,
it’s such a shame for us to part.
Nobody said it was easy,
no one ever said it would be this hard.

Oh take me back to the start."

'The Scientist' ~ Coldplay

This has always been my favourite song of theirs, followed closely by Fix You and Warning Sign.

Tonight I’m regretting something I never thought I’d regret ever. I’d give a lot to go back to the start and not changed things, not said things, not done things. In the end I would have rather kept the friendship over anything else.

I’m sorry I hurt you,
but I’m also sorry you hurt me.
That we hurt each other.

I'm just really sorry, full of regret, feel terribly stupid, and angry. I wish I could take it all back.

I miss my friend.

Womankind

2009-04-04T22:18:00.000-07:00

"It's all right for a woman to be, above all, human. I am a woman first of all."

~ Anais Nin

I saw myself in you

2009-04-04T11:44:00.001-07:00

♥

Love is the best

2009-04-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

Give me a reason to love you: Because love is all we need: An I love you mix

All You Need Is Love (cover) ~ Jim Sturgess & Dana Fuchs
Can't Help Falling In Love (live, cover) ~ Ingrid Michaelson
First Love ~ Emmy The Great
Glory Box ~ Portishead
Gonna Make You Love Me ~ Ryan Adams
I Found Love ~ The Free Design
Is This Love ~ Bob Marley & The Wailers
It Must Be Love ~ Madness
Let My Love Open the Door (cover) ~ M. Ward
Love & Happiness ~ Al Green
Love My Way (cover) ~ Cruel Black Dove
Love Song (cover) ~ Death Cab For Cutie
New Love Grows On Trees ~ Peter Doherty
Real Love (cover) ~ Regina Spektor
Tainted Love ~ Soft Cell
Slave to Love ~ Bryan Ferry
Trying My Best to Love You ~ Jenny Lewis
When a Man Loves a Woman ~ Percy Sledge
I Love You ~ Sarah McLachlan

I Love You Mix ~ Zipped Up

Not just today, but for today

2009-04-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

April 4th is deemed the day to say I love you. But, those people that I love, I would never need a day set aside to tell them.

Beyond a love of music, and a sharp sense of humour, my Mother gifted me with an openness to express love. She may have not always left me feeling loved, but I know she never hesitated saying it.

I could argue, and have, that those three words are thrown around far too carelessly. Sometimes we say this without realizing the implications, or definitions, that may attach to the words. But, I like to think (or try, at least) that I am careful with these powerful, and beautiful words. I know that if I love you, I will most likely love you forever, and always.

Je t'aime, toujours.

And your heart fades away

2009-04-04T09:44:00.001-07:00

"Touch my hand,
it's only me, listen;
I'm here.

Come to stand,
in sultry fields,
with you."

'Sometime Later' ~ Alpha

The sun outside my kitchen window trickles in through the closed blinds, and a cool breeze sneaks in because these apartments, they are full of leaks and holes. The music swirls around the room and I feel light and heavy, all at once. It is hard to quell the desires that were so recently awakened, only to be forced closed again.

I have a lot of everything to give, to feel, to experience. Perhaps there are things on the horizon, and my eyes and ears, and my heart so bruised and cracked at the moment, are just like the blinds. Only a bit of hope comes through, but is it enough to keep me going? Will I allow myself to open up as I did ever again?

I'd like to think so. I'd like to believe. I'd like to recognize the possibility of living and experiencing more than just plots in my imagination, and typed words on a screen. I love the characters I create, but they do not hold me through the night.

I'd be lying if I said I did not wish it was you, but I know, I know, I know. Sometimes, my feelings still linger, and my mind wanders back to early mornings entwined in each other. We cannot help how we feel, or what we remember. I know, I know.

Bristol trip-hop steals my soul, temporarily, and exquisitely.

(song of the day)

From the start

2009-04-04T01:10:00.000-07:00

"From the start I knew it would probably end badly, but I didn't care."

~ Juliana Hatfield, When I Grow Up

Regardless of what they say

2009-04-03T23:45:00.002-07:00

All things go, All things go: They don't love you like I love you: A Midnight Drive Mix

Maps ~ Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Roads ~ Portishead
Chicago ~ Sufjan Stevens
Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (cover) ~ Keane & Faultline
Middle of the Road ~ The Pretenders
Lay Me Down ~ The Wreckers
Drive (live) ~ Bic Runga
Lake Shore Drive ~ The Innocence Mission
Let Me Drive ~ Winter Glovers
Trigger Happy Jack (Drive By a Go-Go Remix) ~ Poe
Wake Up Drive Thru ~ Upsidedown
Drive (John Peel version) ~ Aberdeen
Burnt Out Car ~ Saint Etienne
Car Crash ~ Courtney Love
Car Trouble ~ All Girl Summer Fun Band
Chasing Cars ~ Snow Patrol
Chemistry of a Car Crash ~ Shiny Toy Guns
Ride ~ Cary Brothers
Enjoy the Ride ~ Morcheeba
You Ride Your Way and I'll Ride Mine ~ Rolf Harris
Maps (cover) ~ Arcade Fire

Midnight Drive Mix ~ Zipped Up

A million hours left to think of you and think of that

2009-04-03T23:45:00.001-07:00

"I brokedown and wrote you back,
before you had a chance to.
Forget, forgotten, I am moving past this,
giving notice.
I have to go.
Yes, I know the feeling know you're leaving."

'The Con' ~ Tegan and Sara

Tonight I am mulling it over, meandering around memory and reality, and where we are now. I knew the risks, I knew the chances, and I knew that part of me was lying to myself that I could handle it, that I would be alright, that I would end up on this side of it, unscathed.

But, I am scathed and bruised, broken inside, and tonight I am very sad.

Some days, recent days, I feel the wall building up around me. My skin thickened and my heart protected. I know that it will be ages before it thaws again, before I let anyone have me in that way again. But, in those days, those moments, I am held together and I feel like I'm moving on. This is only just another lie I tell myself to get by, though, isn't it?

Certain songs rip me open and knock the wall down, brick by brick. I know I have to get on with it, I know I have to go on without this thing, whatever it was. I just really do not know how.

(song of the day)

Extraordinary

2009-04-02T21:31:00.000-07:00

"Just remember one thing...anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. I mean, there are too many mediocre things in life, and love shouldn't be one of them."

Frankie, Dream For An Insomniac

I always thought that I'd see you again

2009-04-02T20:05:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me: But the district sleeps alone tonight: All Alone Mix

Konstantine ~ Something Corporate
Am I The Only One ~ Barenaked Ladies
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight ~ The Postal Service
One (cover) ~ Aimee Mann
Better Off Alone ~ Marie Digby
Live Alone ~ Franz Ferdinand
Moon River ~ Audrey Hepburn
Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me ~ The Smiths
In This Lonely Town ~ Jeremy Jay
Sleep Alone ~ Bat For Lashes
You're Not Alone (Nightmares On Wax Remix) ~ Olive

Why Do They Leave? ~ Ryan Adams

Left Behind ~ Aqualung
Alone Again ~ Illinois
I'd Rather Be Alone ~ The Guess Who
We Are Not Alone ~ Kathy DeVito
Now That I Miss Her ~ Elefant
Fire And Rain ~ Dido

All Alone Mix ~ Zipped Up

Love must be forgotten, life can always start up anew

2009-04-02T17:21:00.001-07:00

"This is our decision, to live fast and die young.
We've got the vision, now let's have some fun.
Yeah, it's overwhelming, but what else can we do.
Get jobs in offices, and wake up for the morning commute."

Time To Pretend ~ MGMT

Today I found out that I am being laid off from my job. I have less than a month and then the job I've had for the last two years (almost to the day) will be no more. I've been through this before, more times then I care to mention, but it never becomes easier to deal with. That said, it is change, and change has been what I've pleaded for lately. Sometimes the universe kicks you when you need it; a karmic nudge saying "there is somewhere else you want to be."

Of course the places I want to be, in most instances, are highly aspirational and nearly impossible. That said, is it not the purpose of life to try to challenge the obstacles? Is it not our own self-doubt and limitations we create to believe, that truly make things impossible?

I loathe working in an office and the daily commute, it has never been where my heart was. It was always a means to an end, a necessity to do things like eat, sleep, and have some sources of entertainment.

But what I really want to do, all those dreams that swirl around in my head, could this be the time to finally give it a go? If I'm scared, perhaps I can just learn to pretend to be brave.

(song of the day)

Intermissions

2009-04-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

sometimes we make impossible choices
on a mathematical graph version of life
full of boxes to check
and equations to solve
as if it were that easy to pick a path to follow
or a who that will hold our hand along the way

in the dark rooms of decisions
we all just stand staggering alone
images flash like tiny reels of film
that play on the insides of each eyelid
some nights I watch it over and over
rewinding that one scene again
while I pray for the escape hatch of sleep

but instead there is only this breathing caught and tangled
between the web of regret and lies
you know the ones we practice like a valedictorian speech
thanking people we secretly loathe
for making us into some unrecognizable figure
as we tie on the mask and take the final bow

she wrapped a ring around forever
and kissed you hard on the mouth
with tongue turns and teeth marks
left on your bottom lip

you made it mean everything
in a moment parked crooked on the side of the road
a girl trying to erase everything she had broken

she handed over the pen
asked you to write the story of us
twisted her arms into upside-down angles
you saw the misplaced pieces she wished she could be
that she threw back in anger
screaming that you had it all wrong

we had it all wrong

and all along there is that sound
the fuzz and whir of a far off engine
we have all heard it before
the whispers and coos that land at soft parts of our skin
right close to the ear
tricking us into thinking we can run from this

come away and leave the mess behind you, girl

and we have run so hard and fast
that our shoes split in two
our souls breathless and begging for water

but you were not someone she wanted to run to
or away from
but she did run and run and run

all the kisses worked a magic
that slowly bled into the lie
of what we would eventually become
the subsequent error in the formula
the algebraic failure of a broken hearted love

You don't have to say what you did

2009-04-01T15:13:00.000-07:00

You must have me confused: So cry me a river: An April Fool Mix

Run For Your Life ~ The Beatles
Fool ~ Cat Power
Bad Moon Rising ~ Rasputina
Don't Let It Fool You ~ Empires
Ain't Too Proud To Beg ~ The Temptations
Fool ~ Marie Digby
Rootless Tree ~ Damien Rice
Cry Me A River (cover) ~ Glen Hansard
Lovefool (cover) ~ The Morning Benders
Almost Lover ~ A Fine Frenzy
Fuck Was I ~ Jenny Owen Youngs
Beautiful Lie ~ Yoav
Soft ~ Kings Of Leon
Rebellion (Lies) ~ Arcade Fire
Fuck You ~ Lily Allen
Dickhead ~ Kate Nash
Bad Things ~ Jace Everett
Sometime Around Midnight ~ The Airborne Toxic Event

An April Fool Mix ~ Zipped Up

Quand je pense à mes copines

2009-04-01T14:10:00.001-07:00

"À cause des garçons !
On met des bas nylon
On se crêpe le chignon."

'À Cause des Garçons' ~ Yelle

French girls singing pop songs with provocative lyrics? How can I resist?

Yelle's music is impossible not to want to dance to. Makes me miss my past life as a club girl. There is something in the entire ritual of getting ready, picking out the outfit, doing your hair, make-up, ingesting various unmentionable "accessories".

The real fun in all of though, the very best part, was the music playing when my friends and I would be getting ready - and the soundtrack for the drive into Hollywood, or downtown Los Angeles. It was filled with more excitement, and enthusiasm, then the boys we may have been crushing on, or the actual destination itself.

Cela aurait été un parfait complément à notre pré-dance préparatifs.

I've got my mind made up now

2009-04-01T11:10:00.001-07:00

"Coz I'll be you and you'll be me,
there's lots and lots for us to see,
there's lots and lots for us to do.
She is electric, can I be electric too?"

'She's Electric' ~ Oasis

It took a long time for me to come around to Oasis. I'm not one to be ruled by personas in the artists I enjoy, but sometimes the personas hit me before the art actually does. This was the case with Oasis.

To be honest, it was not until I heard Ryan Adams cover one of their songs that I really stopped and thought to myself, "you know, they have some songwriting talent there."

Another moment happened when I was at a bar with a few friends of mine. One of Oasis' songs came on, and the whole table of us started singing along.

Eventually I had to give in and start listening, and slowly a few of their songs began to work their magic on me, and becoming part of the ever-expanding soundtrack of music that I love.

This song came on just now, the second song to come up on shuffle (just following the Beatles, which is humorous in its own right), and it brought an immediate smile to my face. I think I've hit repeat now at least three times.

Something about the lyrics, especially the ones I quoted, speak to the place I am in my life, and heart, at the moment. The small changes I'm making, and the way I'm seeing the world, and how I want to traverse within it. It is hard to articulate exactly, but the feel of this song, and the idea of so much to see and do, speaks to me today.

Leaving is just the start of letting go

2009-03-31T16:57:00.000-07:00

written January 2, 2007

there are these awkward turns of the page
that mark our hands with paper cut reminders
that this almost did not exist at all
that in more ways then we care to admit
we had moved on with this thing we coin a life
with new characters and episode titles
the lead roles played by different actors
though i think they all tried to play
that nothing across the screen had changed

it all seemed to fall into place
making perfect sense to the untrained eye
but up close the door was hanging loose from the hinges
the pieces warping and peeling at the corners
and I emptied out all the jars of paste
but all that stuck together were strands of my hair
and notes to a song I'd forgotten the lyrics to

at a distance I guess I had it all
but there were these vacant gaping holes
only filled up with my fire spat words
that tore at the widening air between us
I was trying to crack open the surface
wide enough for the whole world to see

perhaps I just wanted to wound you
to see if you would stand up and fight
or flee and run from me
because at the start I'd wanted this
to be my Before Sunrise
but the script was ill-conceived
the production rushed

what did you see when you looked closely at us
did you notice the bullet hole signs of our pending goodbye

we were each other's mardi gras masks
but now I need mine back
the painted lady is letting go of her disguises
as I stand by the window to wave at the floats rolling by

I wish you safe travels
hand you a box of bandages as you tape up the last box
because these next days will bleed all of us
separation is like that
even when it is for the best

and we will hurt while we heal
as we learn to believe in the dance again

Oh my stars and garters

2009-03-31T15:43:00.000-07:00

Rid of Me ~ PJ Harvey
Unravel ~ Bjork
She's Your Cocaine ~ Tori Amos

starsandgarters zipped

Women in music. All genres. All the time.

starsandgarters

a combined project of love from Lily and Lucy

Suzanne takes you down

2009-03-31T12:24:00.001-07:00

"And you know that she's half crazy,
but that's why you want to be there."

Suzanne ~ Leonard Cohen

Nearly everything I've ever written, be it a short story, or a novel in progress (one day I'll finish one of them, I am determined), has had a character inspired by one of Leonard Cohen's songs. He is a muse of mine, and I do not remember a time in my life that I was not touched in some way by his music.

I still remember the first Cohen song I heard, where I was, and how it affected me. My Mother had one of his albums leaned up against these giant speakers. The stereo system was one of those impressive and dinosaur-sized 70's get-ups that took over one entire wall of our living room, and I loved it. I would drag my books or sheets of paper out into that front room, and set myself down in the corner closest to the music, and lose an entire afternoon in music.

It was a warm day, possibly late Spring, and my Mother was busy cooking something in the kitchen. I can recall the smells of the kitchen wafting into the room, and Fleetwood Mac's Rumors album had just finished. She yelled out to me to put something else on, and Leonard's album was right there in arm's reach.

I actually knew this song from Judy Collins' In My Life album, she was a favourite of my Mother's. The song Suzanne was actually a poem first, called "Suzanne Takes You Down", published in Cohen's book of poetry, 'Parasites of Heaven'. It is second only to "Hallelujah", as Cohen's most covered song.

I think what I love most about his songs, and his poetry, is how he captures such stories and characters - what life he gives them, and the plots that just build from each lyrical refrain, and melodic arc.

I think he will always be one of my muses.

So love me now

2009-03-30T23:53:00.000-07:00

No One Would Riot For Less ~ Bright Eyes
No One Would Riot For Less (video) ~ Bright Eyes

"Well wake, baby, wake.
but leave that blanket around you,
there's nowhere else safe.
I'm leaving this place,
but there's nothing I'm planning to take;
just you, just you, just you, just you..."

I've said for a long time that music is my oxygen, my sanity, the way I focus and often exist. Lately I have noticed that it is my muse, though I'm sure I always knew this, never writing a word in a notebook, composition book, blank blog space, or even the backside of a postcard without a song playing in the background.

So now, as I push myself through to finish a story that keeps building, determined to not be the girl who never finishes anything anymore, I find myself with my ears open, taking in every turn of a lyric, and progression of sound. I've found myself pulling over to the side of the road, tears streaming down my face, as I see something so vivid in my mind.

Characters seem to take over, nudge at me, tug at me until I stop and look, or listen - this is the path, over here, and don't forget...

I always heard writers talk about that at some point the story takes over. That you become, as the writer, a conduit - or perhaps it is just that you become so entrenched with the characters that you become pieces of them. As if you are playing a role on a stage, layering traits over your own, and mixing them until they are one.

All I know for sure is that I am carrying them around with me - everywhere - and they seem to have song preferences. By the end of this story I think I my end up with a soundtrack that is volumes long. Time life will have to come around and make an informercial for it, or something.

The next chapter

2009-03-30T23:29:00.000-07:00

we peel back the lines

of some long forgotten sentence

as if it were the unravelling

of an orange sweet and ripe

just a second shy from falling to the ground

you hand me a half-moon smile of a piece

that I slip between pursed lips

the sudden shock of bittersweet

turning my tongue to a tang tinged alert

and I laugh a bit

my eyes watering up into what

could be mistaken for tears

you touch my cheek softly

brushing chilled skin

and glance across the alley

where the sudden sparks are from

shooting up high out into the night

and I wonder if you are searching

for cue card direction

some sort of sign from the studio audience

because some days it surely seemed

that I needed the approval of the masses

more than I needed you

and it was the nature of

that drive and desire

glue stuck to me

ever since I was a child of five

setting toys across the grass

pleading with wordless conviction

for someone to notice me

for a sign that I was wanted

but I am far from the Hee Haw overalls

and jungle gym calloused hands

of a far past 1973 summer afternoon

and this story tale time in between

is nothing like a final happy ever after

because it takes more than a horse

and a first kiss

to make any kind of forever

dirty hands and tired bodies

falling and failing to get back up again

the hardest work is that of a relationship

but kiss me anyway as the year turns to another

and we will collect those coloured sparks from the sky

that make a night like this taste of fabricated magic

maybe if we hold it deep in our pockets

saved for later

we could pull them out and use the gleam

to light each of our individual pathways

and some days we might trade them off with each other

when we meet up at the curve and curl

taking hands briefly to say I am still here

So when you ask if something's wrong, well damn right there is, but we can't talk about it now

2009-03-30T23:21:00.001-07:00

"This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silver lake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks,
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings
and every bite I gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day"

Tiny Vessels ~ Death Cab For Cutie

I could write this scene out, so clear in my mind. Perhaps change the location slightly, somewhere closer to the ocean, or the airplanes. But, I feel it, deeply, and I can see it, so vividly.

When I bought this album I remember this song hit me in a way that I thought would leave a bruise. I remember thinking that I'd felt that way, from the perspective of the singer. And now, I think I know what it feels like to be the girl the song is about. Or maybe I read too much into music, into memories, into my own version of the story.

We write our own endings sometimes, especially when they are so murky and impossible to define, and especially when they are not really endings, at all.

Right now, tonight, this song breaks my heart.

And you stood at your door with your hands on my waist and you kissed me like you meant it

2009-03-30T18:57:00.000-07:00

My heart is yours: to break or bury: A Crossed Out Heart Mix

Lost Cause ~ Beck
Wise Up ~ Aimee Mann
Back On the Chain Gang ~ The Pretenders
Warwick Avenue ~ Duffy
If the Brakeman Turns My Way ~ Bright Eyes
Warning Sign (acoustic, live) ~ Coldplay
Hallelujah (cover, live) ~ Damien Rice
Crossed Out Name ~ Ryan Adams & the Cardinals
Miss Misery ~ Elliott Smith
Still Fighting It ~ Ben Folds
Nobody's Daughter ~ Courtney Love
Teardrop (cover) ~ Newton Faulkner
Disintegration (cover) ~ Lewis & Clarke
Say It To Me Now ~ Glen Hansard
Hands Down (live) ~ R.E.M. & Dashboard Confessional
Don't Let Them See You Cry ~ Manchester Orchestra
Nothingman ~ Pearl Jam
Metal Heart ~ Cat Power
Purple Rain (cover, live) ~ Kate Nash
The Diamond Sea (cover) ~ Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Crossed Out Heart Mix ~ Zipped Up

I've got to tell you what a state I'm in

2009-03-29T22:48:00.001-07:00

"When the truth is,
I miss you."

'Warning Sign' ~ Coldplay

♥

Goodbyes

2009-03-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

"I walked out the door. There's no memory left." ~ Joel

"Come back and make up a good-bye at least! Let's pretend we had one." ~ Clementine

Goodbye is sometimes just as important as hello, though goodbye often goes unsaid, or is rushed, because we all tend to be wary of sentimental exits, and public displays of emotion. But, what if the goodbye you raced through, cutting it off before the real words were expressed, was actually the final goodbye? What if you never see that person again? Or, if you do, it is different between you, distant, awkward, or redefined?

Perhaps you will look back and think "I wish we would have had a real goodbye", the kind with a long, lingering kiss and an honest "I don't want to let you go."

Hello, Goodbye ~ The Beatles

"Goodbye, my love,
goodbye."

Firsts

2009-03-29T15:52:00.001-07:00

"The first show on a tour is like kissing someone for the first time. It's a kind of wonderful blur. It happens in a flash of blinding light as if time has no weight or meaning and then, suddenly, it's over. After the initial thrilling, terrifying dive into it, the experience never again has the same intensity. Some of the magic, wired energy slips from your hands - maybe because your nerves have settled - and though you strive to reclaim it every night thereafter, you do settle into a workaday routine of gig after gig."

Juliana Hatfield ~ from her memoir, When I Grow Up

Law of Nature ~ Juliana Hatfield (from the album, How To Walk Away)

And you will be changed

2009-03-29T14:12:00.001-07:00

"I once was lost,
but now i'm found.
Was blind,
but now I see you.

How selfish of you to believe in the meaning of all the bad dreaming.

Metal heart you're not hiding,
metal heart you're not worth a thing."

Metal Heart ~ Cat Power

The film Dedication, which I watched and wrote about last night, had a soundtrack that was as unforgettable as the film itself. Eccentric, bittersweet, melancholic, and full of an array of mood swings, much as Henry himself was.

Cat Power's Metal Heart was the standout favourite, almost upstaging the scene it resides in. When Metal Heart began to play, and Chan's voice trilled in, the combination of scene and song brought me to tears.

Chan Marshall's voice is one that quite often brings me to tears.

Shoegaze from Sweden

2009-03-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

South Ambulance's Davy Crocket starts out with a dance club beat that quickly, and somewhat abruptly, transforms into something worth staring at one's shoes and sway about the room to. I could do without the clumsy beginning, but the rest is quite swoony and worth playing on repeat.

You can stream the EP here, which includes a cover of Pale Saints' 'Kinky Love'.

Remember me

2009-03-29T08:23:00.000-07:00

Throw your arms around me: Make all the rest just an afterthought: Acoustic mix

Days Go By (acoustic) ~ Dirty Vegas
Trouble (cover, acoustic) ~ Elliott Smith
Perfect (acoustic) ~ Alanis Morissette

Posession (acoustic) ~ Sarah McLachlan
This Modern Love (acoustic) ~ Bloc Party

First Day of My Life ~ Bright Eyes

Blackberry Stone ~ Laura Marling

24 (live, acoustic) ~ Emmy The Great

Elephant ~ Damien Rice

It's Not (live, acoustic) ~ Aimee Mann
Ashes & Wine ~ A Fine Frenzy

This Time ~ Jonathan Rhys Meyers

200 More Miles (live) ~ Ryan Adams

No One's Gonna Love You ~ Band Of Horses

The Luckiest ~ Ben Folds

The Nicest Thing (acoustic) ~ Kate Nash

Last Goodbye (acoustic) ~ Jeff Buckley

The Trapeze Swinger ~ Iron & Wine

Acoustic mix ~ Zipped Up

I'll miss you

2009-03-28T23:27:00.001-07:00

Henry: "I've spent my whole life... wanting something... and doing my very best not to find it. Never even going near the places it might be... And suddenly, I've got the goddamn thing practically chained around my neck."

Lucy: "What are you talking about?"

Henry: "You. You. You're the, you're the... You're, you're- you're the goddamn thing. Ahhh, uh. I mean... You're, you're. I can't describe you... uhh, I don't, I don't write that kind of shit, I write... You know, the people who write, who write the real books, the love books, and the poems, and even those stupid little fucking novels with the hunky assholes on the cover..."

Lucy: "Stop... "

I watched this film tonight. It was fraught with things that affected me, touched me, upset me, and in the end, moved me. Henry and Lucy. So much broken-ness in this film, pain, hurt, and yet there was this thread of hope that meandered its way into every scene. As much as at times I wanted to dislike the characters, or turn my eyes away, I could not stop watching, caring, understanding, feeling, and just connecting to them.

I suppose I saw some of myself in the both of them, for different reasons, and to varying degrees. And yes, I did indeed see a bittersweet sense of hope.

Like the tiny rock he gives to Lucy, loses, finds, then gives to her again, the film was one of a kind.

Then it fell apart

2009-03-28T23:18:00.001-07:00

"I would stand in line for this.
There's always room in life for this.

Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart
Oh baby, oh baby
Then it fell apart, it fell apart."

Extreme Ways ~ Moby

♥

An alternate ending

2009-03-28T23:03:00.001-07:00

I prefer this ending,
but we do not always get to choose the ending, do we?

"I picture you in the sun,
wondering what went wrong.
And falling down on your knees,
asking for sympathy.
And being caught in between,
all you wish for,
and all you've seen.
And trying to find anything,
you can feel,
that you can believe in."

In the Sun ~ Joseph Arthur

Happiness in love

2009-03-28T14:27:00.000-07:00

"Why?
Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hindsight because it concealed dark truths?
Why does the memory of years of happy marriage turn to gall when our partner is revealed to have had a lover all those years?
Because such a situation makes it impossible to be happy?
But we were happy!
Sometimes the memory of happiness cannot stay true because it ended unhappily.
Because happiness is only real if it lasts forever?
Because things always end painfully if they contained pain, conscious or unconscious, all along?
But what is unconscious, unrecognized pain?"

The Reader ~ Bernhard Schlink

Some things look better, baby, just passing through

2009-03-27T23:44:00.001-07:00

"And it's no sacrifice,
just a simple word.
It's two hearts living,
in two separate worlds.
But it's no sacrifice,
no sacrifice,
it's no sacrifice at all.

Mutual misunderstanding,
after the fact.
Sensitivity builds a prison,
In the final act."

Sacrifice ~ Sinead O'Connor

♥

When will I begin to live again

2009-03-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

How many planes are taking off right now, and how many are just landing? Is there any symmetry to the timelines and destinations? I know there are flights that occur daily, and the rhythms that happen, of take-offs and landings, is something to count on, rely upon, plan an escape to.

I wonder if you watched from the window from that room up so high, could you tell the time by just watching the planes ascend into the smog filled Los Angeles sky? I suppose it is a more precise measure then a newly acquired wrist watch, especially when you trade one timezone, for another.

And I will always remember that airport, and the significance it has to me. The trips taken, the people met at baggage claim, or in hotel doorways, and the future adventures that may, or may not, take place. I have maps and travel books stacked on a shelf, the one I sleep next to. I take them out often, lay on the floor and peruse the street names, cafes, places of so-called interest - and I dream, wish, want, and desire.

I miss the sound of the plane's on the tarmac, the lighted towers that change colours, blinking off and on, and I miss the feel of an over-filled suitcase dragging behind me, and a ticket to ride between my fingers. I miss what it all once meant, and what it still means, to me.

"One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday
Why live life from dream to dream
And dread the day when dreaming ends."

One Day I'll Fly Away ~ Nicole Kidman (from Moulin Rouge)
One Day I'll Fly Away (video) ~ Nicole Kidman (from Moulin Rouge)

I'm damaged bad, at best

2009-03-27T13:28:00.001-07:00

♥

Tied to a night they never met

2009-03-27T13:10:00.001-07:00

"All these people drinking lover's spit,
swallowing words while giving head;
they listen to teeth learn how to quit,
to a night they never met.

you know it's time,
that we grow old and do some shit;
I like it all that way."

Lover's Spit (black sessions) ~ Leslie Feist

Mid-afternoon, with music stuck in my head, and the smell of coffee brewing in the next room. These are stolen moments when words criss-cross and light up my fingertips, while dreams still in their feigned disguises remind me of my hopes and fears. I discovered this song in a found mix, it was hidden amongst the familiar and unknown, the way most beauty is.

It reminded me of an afternoon, a saturday, working at Tower Records, in Chicago. There was this girl who was visiting from New York, and we had one of those conversations usually shared with those people you trust your soul with. But, sometimes strangers have that ability to peel back the surfaces, don't they?

She laughed and half-whispered a moment shared with a boyfriend she'd recently lost, and I listened. She asked about this band, and I told her I'd only heard them once, in a bookstore in Portland, and how the boy behind the counter with the pale blue eyes had told me the name.

She bought everything I recommended, laughing at how I now held a secret of hers, so she might as well take back with her some things I sang along to.

I have no idea what her name was, but I wrote her into a story once. and this song played, repeated, and played again, while I wrote it.

Into the light of the dark black night

2009-03-27T08:33:00.000-07:00

Singing in the dead of night: These lullabyes may save me: Sleep Mix, pt. 1

Save Me (iTunes original) ~ Aimee Mann
I Can't Feel My Hand Anymore, It's Alright, Sleep Tight ~ Mum
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight ~ The Postal Service
Asleep ~ The Smiths
This City Never Sleeps ~ Eurythmics
Sleepless ~ Kate Havnevik
Her Morning Elegance ~ Oren Lavie
No Dreams Last Night ~ The Clientele
Cataracts ~ Andrew Bird
Flightless Bird, American Mouth ~ Iron & Wine
Rocketman (cover) ~ My Morning Jacket
Sweet Child of Mine (cover) ~ Taken By Trees
Blackbird ~ The Beatles
Playground Love ~ Air
The Funeral ~ Band Of Horses
I Will Follow You Into the Dark ~ Amanda Palmer
Real Life Version ~ Voxtrot
Dream ~ Priscilla Ahn
Europe is Our Playground ~ Suede

Sleep mix part one ~ Zipped Up

Teardrop on the fire

2009-03-26T23:35:00.001-07:00

♥

You add up all the cards left to play to zero

2009-03-26T23:27:00.001-07:00

"I could make you satisfied in everything you do,
all your secret wishes could right now be coming true,
And be forever,
with my poison arms around you."

Angeles ~ Elliott Smith

Tonight I hate Los Angeles. Tonight I hate being this alone. Tonight I am hurting in so many ways, and I am finding it hard to breathe and just go on. Let go, it should be so easy, I've done it before. I know about loss, and I know about giving up with grace, and I know about being the one that loves less.

But tonight, with the air thick and playing at a prologue to Summer with it city stuck warmth coming through, I just wish I felt differently. I wish it were easier. I wish I did not look in the mirror and see time slipping by. I wish I saw some remnant of beauty and hope in the reflection. But tonight, right now, all I see is poison and pain, and the echo of an empty room.

I know some of this is the physical pain I'm feeling. I've been in tears most of the night, and I loathe feeling as if I cannot take care of myself. I can, and I will, but tonight I feel like giving in, and giving up.

I keep hitting replay on this song, and each time it makes me cry a little bit more.

Love

2009-03-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

"All of us have had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears, "I'm suffering for a love that's not worth it." We suffer because we feel that we are giving more than we are receiving. We suffer because we feel our love is unrecognised. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules. But ultimately there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth. The more we love, the closer we come to spiritual experience. Those who are truly enlightened, those whose souls are illuminated by love, have been able to overcome all the inhibitions and preconceptions of their era. They have been able to sing, to laugh, to pray out loud; they have danced and shared what Saint Paul called, "the madness of saintliness". They have been joyful - because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender."

By the River Piedra I sat down and wept ~ Paulo Coehlo

Home in a sentence

2009-03-26T18:01:00.001-07:00

♥

'Cause we'll hold each other soon

2009-03-26T17:37:00.001-07:00

"If there's no one beside you,
when your soul embarks,
then I'll follow you into the dark."

I Will Follow You Into the Dark (cover) ~ Amanda Palmer

I am not quite sure what my beliefs are in regards to souls, and where we end up after this life. I have moments where I think I believe in some things, and inklings on my feelings about other things, but in the end I tend to believe in the possibility of many things. Perhaps I just agree that I'll be surprised when the time comes, and I look forward to finding out.

As for souls, I do not know how to define them, or what I even consider a person's soul to be. We toss the term around so much in this life. Soul mates, soul searching, things that move our soul, break our soul, touch our soul; but do we actually know how to describe what our soul is?

Is it the unique parts of ourselves, our psyches and consciousness? Is it the tastes we have, and the things make us love some things, and some people, and not others? Is it that part of us that cannot leave us, no matter how destroyed our bodies may become, unless we truly die? Is it something that transcends this life? Is it what comes out in our art, our words, our creations, and when we give love to someone else?

I would like to picture our souls as the parts of us that do not have to do anything except just be. The child in us that still plays on the swings and the roundabout and the slide at the playground. The artist in us that paints, draws, writes, sings, creates even if they have a full-time job and children at home. The lover in us that spends hours in bed, taking their time with every inch of each other's skin, not rushing, and not wanting the moment to end. And, the friend in us that holds themselves out there when no one else will, or can, to entwine their hand in another's, even when the other doesn't know how to ask for the hand.

I think that is what I like to see souls have.

And maybe, just maybe, the dark - the ever after - the what comes after this life - is just a meeting up of all the souls who will now spend eternity playing, creating, loving, and holding hands.

Someone told me not to cry

2009-03-26T10:57:00.000-07:00

Follow the day: And reach for the sun: A Morning Mix

Wake Up ~ Arcade Fire
One of These Mornings ~ Moby
From This Side of the Morning ~ Del Amitri
Home ~ Gemma Hayes
A Fine Spring Morning ~ Blossom Dearie
Grey Lady Morning ~ Dave Evans
Becky ~ All Girl Summer Fun Band
Wake Up ~ Alanis Morissette
Mr. Good Morning ~ Elliott Smith
Til the Morning Comes ~ Neil Young
Now That I Miss Her ~ Elefant
These Days Nothing But Sunshine ~ Apple Orchard

Stop the Sun ~ Elysian Fields
Chelsea Morning ~ Joni Mitchell
The Morning Fog ~ Kate Bush
Feeling Better ~ The Teenagers
Bedshaped ~ Keane

The Way You Brush Your Hair Away From Your Face ~ Apple Orchard
Light & Day ~ The Polyphonic Spree
Good Morning Light ~ Cellophane Rain

Morning Mix ~ Zipped Up

You said something that I've never forgotten

2009-03-25T19:33:00.001-07:00

"We lean against railings
describing the colors
and the smells of our homelands
acting like lovers

How did we get here
to this point of living
I held my breath
you said something"

'You Said Something (live)' ~ PJ Harvey

Have you ever noticed the immense power of words? How something can be said, even a few syllables, in person, in a letter, typed, written, whispered, bled, and everything can just change. Or, everything can stay the same, go on. or not. But those words, no matter how you try to set them free, they live in the deep folds of your skin, in the taste of life itself, in the wallpaper of our souls.

I know, for me, I have this insatiable need for words, for that language to ricochet from all corners of my mind, my ears, my lips. I always feel the deep recesses of who I am, overwhelming, over-flowing, making me feel that I always have so damn much to say. And so much I want to have said, or wish I'd said. I want to be the catalyst for all the words of everyone to come spilling out, all over, all over me. I feel this need to know, to know so much; to learn, and to hear the flowing of words, again and again.

Or maybe I just want to hear your words spoken to me again, with my words answering back.

I know I hold so many words that have been said inside of me. They sneak out in so much of who I am; in my breathing, in my writing, in the way I think, in the way I react. So many nights I lie in bed, sleepless, replaying so many words, over and over. And I know I dissect too much, I evaluate too much. I read too much into words. But, it is part of who I am, how I am, my own breed of insanity, I suppose.

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

2009-03-25T15:42:00.001-07:00

♥

Sometimes I still feel the bruise

2009-03-25T15:28:00.001-07:00

"Making contact gets harder as the silence grows longer.
And why would you think of me when you were not the one
in love?
When you were not the dreamer.
When you were just the dream."

Sometimes I Still Feel the Bruise ~ Trembling Blue Stars

There are silences that heal, that are necessary, that albeit sometimes painful, are the best thing for us. Sometimes there is nothing better than a dimly lit room, a blank book in front of you to write in, and the only sounds breaking thru are the passing cars, or some stray felines singing into the middle of the nght air; to each other perhaps? to the moon? to themselves?

There are other times when the silences hurt because you feel there is so much to still say, and yet never enough time, or perhaps not the right time, or any time at all. Maybe the time has passed, as it often does between people we've known, and even though there lies a pile of unspoken somethings, they exist only in one person's psyche, in that one person's moments of silence.

We take the roles of the dream's contents, or the dreamers, without any say in it really. Once in that role, is there ever a chance to change it? To switch places? To land on the proverbial same page at the same time? In those moments of complete silence when your thoughts linger on someone in particular, can they feel it, too? Is that when the unspoken actually is spoken in some way, even if just in a feeling that comes over you, or a dream that you cannot seem to shake?

Does anyone ever feel the same way at the same time as someone else?

My such a sweet thing

2009-03-25T11:47:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful feeling: Over and Over: A Spring Mix

Wild Flowers ~ Ryan Adams
Spring ~ Saint Etienne
Beautiful World ~ Coldplay
Take the Long Way Home ~ Supertramp
Do Nothing ~ The Specials
Regret ~ New Order
Time of the Season ~ The Zombies
Opposite Day ~ Andrew Bird
Crimson & Clover ~ Joan Jett
Soul Meets Body ~ Death Cab For Cutie
Perfect Day ~ Lou Reed
Nothing Ever Happens ~ Del Amitri
Brighter Than Sunshine ~ Aqualung
Ashes and Wine ~ A Fine Frenzy
A Flower White ~ Susumu Yokota
Spring Flower ~ The Great Outdoors
If She Wants Me ~ Belle & Sebastian
Grazed Knees ~ Snow Patrol
Green Grass of Tunnel ~ Mum

Over & Over Mix ~ Zipped Up

And I'm in the quicksand

2009-03-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

Quicksand (video) ~ La Roux

Quicksand ~ La Roux

Fascination (demo) ~ La Roux
In For the Kill (video) ~ La Roux
La Roux website
La Roux blog

Already a sensation in the UK, La Roux, who were voted by the BBC as #5 in the "Sounds of 2009", combine 80's synth sounds with the post-modern electroclash edge that has become a citylife sensation in dj'ed dance clubs, and indie music mixes, everywhere. The name La Roux, French for "a red-haired one", was selected from a baby book of names by red-haired singer/writer Ely Jackson. She is the daughter of Trudie Goodwin, star of the British procedural drama, The Bill. Co-producer and co-writer, Ben Langmind, help to create La Roux's razor sharp lyrics and electro-magnetic up-tempo beats, creating a perfect-fit partnership.

Yazoo, Erasure and The Communards come to mind when listening to La Roux, as does the inevitable Depeche Mode comparison that most of the post-80's electro bands/artists that have come around in the last few years get affixed on their "sounds like" t-shirts. Jackson herself recalls being raised on Nick Drake and Neil Young records, and that her first songwriting experiences came in the form of a girl singing heartbreaking poetry, and strumming on an acoustic guitar. Her now musical partner encouraged her to trade the guitar in for a Korg keyboard, but to keep her poetic, somewhat melancholic songs in tow.

The meeting-up of electro-keyboard pressing, which cannot help but harken those 80's pop predecessors, with Jackson's disarming, high-pitched crooning, and her emotionally-wrought lyrics (she's been cited as crying between lyrical refrains, on-stage) is hard to ignore. I look forward to catching La Roux live during their mini-U.S. tour this April. It has been ages since I've been to the Roxy, but I think this is a good enough reason to make a return.

North America mini-tour dates:

April 3rd, Brooklyn, NY @ Studio B
April 4th, Montreal, QE @ Les Saints
April 5th, Toronto, ONT @ The Drake
April 9th, San Francisco, CA @ 330 Ritch (Popscene)
April 12th, Los Angeles, CA @ Roxy (Dimmak party)

They'd only remind me of you

2009-03-24T21:29:00.001-07:00

♥

Within the sound of silence

2009-03-24T15:01:00.000-07:00

My Grandmother used to tell me that all the answers we seek lie within ourselves, but that we fill our lives with too many noises and distractions to ever hear the answers. She was also the one who told me, over and over again, to follow my bliss. I used to say that last one, over and over again, to everyone I knew. It became a slogan of sorts, and friends of mine would send me it written in letters, on a kitchen magnet, on the front sides of postcards, and even as a theme to a music mix once.

I'm not sure I ever truly followed my own, or my Grandmother's, beautiful advice. Nor have I ever embraced silence and solitary moments enough to ever shut up the rattle and hum of daily living, and truly listen to my own thoughts, and answers.

But now I try to find those moments. I steal them if I have to. Waking up earlier than the sun in order to nick a bit of time from the day, alone in the front room of my small apartment, leaning close to the window where I an almost feel the air from outside chill my skin. Or I stay longer than necessary in the shower, letting the warm water trickle over me, like rain, washing away the stains of heartache and disappointment, confusion and fear. I try to find that spot in myself that isn't worried about money, survival, understanding, or what anyone else thinks of me. I try to find that spot in myself that is just that, myself.

I used to gauge my decisions on how they affected others, or by how others would perceive me. I put so much of myself out there to everyone I knew, walking around like I'd been turned inside out, my insides raw and jagged for all to see. I let the judgement, whether uttered or unspoken, make too much of a difference in who I was, and what I did.

But where is the truth in that? Where are the answers in other people's biased opinions? And in the end, if we fall and fail, will all those others opinions be there to help us?

In this quest to find out exactly who I am, and what I want, and what that actual bliss is that I'm meant to follow, I'm finding my voice in the silences.

"In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence."

Sound of Silence ~ Simon & Garfunkel

Sound of Silence (video) ~ Simon & Garfunkel

Just for one day

2009-03-24T14:40:00.001-07:00

"Though nothing will keep us together,
we can be us,
forever and ever."

'Heroes' ~ David Bowie

I still remember the first time I ever heard this song. Someone made me a mixed tape and had slipped it into my bag when we were leaving a club, in the wee hours of morning, somewhere in Hollywood. Funny, I really don't recall the night all that well, or where we are, but I do remember the tape.

I'd loved Bowie for years by this point, and had favourites of my own, but this was one song I'd never heard before. From that moment on, it not only became my favourite Bowie song, but one of my all-time favourite songs ever.

I drove around in that first car I had, listening to it with the windows rolled down, singing along. The song would end, I'd hit rewind, turn down a side street to lengthen the trip, and listen again. I had this image in my head, a scene from a film, or a story just starting to form, that had the ocean in the distance, and a boy and a girl in a bittersweet embrace. It was painted with melancholy in my imagination, one of those moments where you know you are saying goodbye, for what might be forever, and are not quite sure you know how you'll let go.

I still have that image in my head, just perhaps a bit more defined, one might say.

Heroes ~ David Bowie

The music plays all day long

2009-03-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

These white lights will bend to make blue: And sorrow looks beautiful: A Mix

Galaxy of the Lost ~ Lightspeed Champion
You! Me! Dancing! ~ Los Campesinos!

The Magic Position ~ Patrick Wolf
We are Rockstars ~ Does It Offend You, Yeah?
Bullets ~ Tunng
Lump Sum ~ Bon Iver
Oxford Comma ~ Vampire Weekend
One Day Like This ~ Elbow
Get Better ~ Mates Of State
Challengers ~ The New Pornographers

Let's Call It Off ~ Peter Bjorn & John
Five Years Time ~ Noah & The Whale
Head to Toe ~ Kings Of Leon
Can't Say No ~ The Helio Sequence
In My Head ~ Ballet
Easy/Lucky/Free ~ Bright Eyes
Chicago ~ Sufjan Stevens
True Affection ~ The Blow
Heart ~ Stars

Take Me Home ~ Aqualung

These Bright Lights Will Bend to Make Blue ~ Azure Ray

And Sorrow Looks Beautiful ~ Zipped Up